I'm headed out of town shortly to visit a friend. Tomorrow I'm going for lunch with a friend and later on I'm having a few people over for a chick flick/romance movie night. (one of the movies is The Outsider with Tim Daly) I turned all the radio stations on to BOB FM - they play favourite music of the 80's, 90's and whatever. A song came on that I like with a lively beat and I started to bop to the music. Then it was like a string just jolted me. How could I feel happiness!!!! I've been coping pretty well, but for a moment there I was very happy. So of course then the guilt hit. It hasn't been that long and is it too soon to have those happy times? I've always been an optimist. That's one area Ron and I sort of balanced each other out - I'm the optimist, he was the pessimist. I miss him so much but I am slowly starting to feel OK at times. I KNOW I will see him again. I KNOW he is with me. He is so in the house in presence. A few people have asked if I plan on staying here and there is no question that I will. The house is all paid off and this is just where Ron is. He loved this house and it's the place he was most at peace and where he felt comfort so there is no question of me moving. He told me to go on without him - to live. But today - after the string pulled me I got to thinking it was too soon.
I think I need to give myself permission to have happy times. And to feel that permission that Ron would give me. I know it's what Ron would want. I think that's one of the things that he loved about me - that I could find joy in so many places. If the situation were reversed, I would want him to feel joy. Of course he very rarely felt it, but I would want him to feel it.
So today that's what I'm going to do. Let myself be happy at times. It doesn't mean I didn't and still do love him with all my heart. It doesn't mean I don't miss him deep inside all the time. It doesn't mean I'm still not going to experience those times when the tears won't stop and I hurt from crying. But if another song comes on the radio I want to bop to, I am giving myself permission to dance along to the music. It's what I used to do. And Ron will probably be watching, covering his ears as I sing along and think she really can't dance that well.