Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I’m hitting a tough time. I didn’t think I would, somehow I thought I would avoid it, but it’s coming up on the one year anniversary of Ron’s death. Memories I’ve held at bay for a year now are flooding in. I haven’t mentioned it to many people at work but I did tell my supervisor today what’s going on with me.
I haven’t blogged for a while on how I’m dealing with losing Ron. At times it seems I’m doing remarkably well. I’ve leaped over a number of personal hurdles.
When I found myself out of work shortly after I lost Ron, after a brief time of inertia, I managed to get up and find another job. I know that somehow it was meant that I be where I am.
I got up the guts and drove to meet Cindy. That took a lot, that first visit, but since then we have found a real deep friendship I think, even apart from our mutual love of romance.
And not long ago I took t he train by myself to Toronto to meet Ames and Nath and Cindy. That was another leap for me.
And then there was the trip to Dallas. That was huge!
I left early in the morning and as I sat in the plane, I held my hand to the window and thanked Ron. You see it was his lifelong financial planning that allowed me to go.
There was one time in Dallas; it was at the Harlequin party, when I was kind of sitting by myself for a moment just watching all the fun times going on around me, when I felt Ron’s presence so strongly and he was happy that I was happy. I began to cry a few quiet happy tears that the trip was even more than I expected.
Yet I do go through really tough times too. I still can’t watch the Jays on TV – and I love baseball.
Ron coached for years and every day on my way to work I pass the baseball complex where he coached a lot of games. If the complex is empty, like it is in the mornings and just about every day when I drive home after work, I’m fine. But if there are cars there and people playing, then it devastates me. I was never as proud of Ron as when he was coaching a bunch of kids, knowing he never had that when he was a kid and knowing how much he loved coaching, even though it was difficult for him.
Because my oldest son didn’t have a car of his own, I gave him Ron’s car. I drove with him in it recently and it was all I could do not to start pounding and hitting my son, making him pull over and screaming that he had no business driving the car – that it was his Dad’s and for him to get out – get out now!
I didn’t – I didn’t say anything because I know that at times it’s difficult for my son himself to drive the car with all its memories.
When my youngest sister was here and we were going up to the cottage, I was driving. At one point I was driving down a highway Ron and the kids and I used to take when we were on vacation. I didn’t say anything to my sisters, but I came so close to pulling over and asking one of them to take over – I was hurting to much to drive.
When the pain comes – and it does – it is so sharp and so hard to bear, I almost double over with it.
Memories are coming fast and furious now, especially of the last year when he was so sick. I suppose it was a defense mechanism that I didn’t relive them until now, but they won’t stop and I feel on the verge of tears all the time. They are like waves that are washing over me harder and harder and at times I’m being knocked under.

Wendy and Jane and I had a conversation about soul mates and I really believe with everything I am, that Ron and I were meant to be together. That helped get me through the bad times we went through. There was never a day, a moment that I didn’t love him with all my heart. Mind you there were a lot of times I didn’t like him a whole heck of a lot, but I’m sure he felt the same about me and I think that just comes part and parcel with living with someone on a daily basis, in particular if in some ways you are so different from the other person. And Ron and I were different in a lot of ways. First off, he was a guy, enough said there. What woman can really understand what all makes them tick. He was a pessimist, me the optimist; he a glass half empty kind of guy, me a glass half full. He liked things neat, me, as recently pointed out, not so much.
He disliked being around other people, even though he coached baseball. Me, I need to be around people although I do have times I like to be alone.
I don’t know how I will spend the actual day. Lisa the sister has invited me to her place for the weekend. I’ll probably go. Ryan will be out of town so I don’t have to be there in person for him, but I’m not sure what to do about Brent.
I know both boys – well men really – are still deeply affected by their Dad’s death. We still haven’t talked about it, but they each either have or are getting tattoos in remembrance. So I don’t want to dessert him, but I don’t think I can be around this weekend.
I think about his mother too. We’ve never been that close but she is a nice person. I can only imagine the heartache she will be feeling. The year before Ron died, his father died so she lost not only her husband but her youngest son.
One thing that keeps me going and gives me comfort is faith. It’s knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will see him again sometime.
But still my heart aches at time. The sense of loss is just as deep as it was the day he died. I’m coping and coping quite well at times, but half of me is still missing, or if it’s there, it’s deeply scarred and it will never heal quite the same again.
I’m not a weepy, crying person, but I don’t think I’m going to get through this week without breaking down a few times.
I know I’ll get past this sadder than normal time and I’ll still have moments of being the old me, but I’m going to allow myself to be sad this week, to not have a ready smile on my face. I’ll allow myself to cry – whenever it hits and not feel like I shouldn’t, even at work. I’m going to allow myself to feel sorry and sorrow at what I’ve lost.
And I’m going to continue to love Ron with all my heart.

28 comments:

Leya said...

Kristie,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hang in there!

Hugs

Jaci Burton said...

There is nothing in this life like having someone you can love so intensely, with your whole heart. Finding a love like that is priceless. Losing a love like that is devastating.

My heart hurts for you, Kristie. And I think you're entitled to feel that pain, to mourn his loss for as long as you need to. Because a love like that does last forever and you did him such sweet justice in your post here.

Hugs,

Jaci

Wendy said...

You shouldn't bottle up your tears. Grief is such a personal thing, and everyone handles it differently. You should allow yourself to feel the loss, but to also remember all of those wonderful years you had with Ron. Whatever you decide to do, I hope whatever it is that you don't spend this first anniversary alone. I would just tell your sons that you're spending the weekend with Lisa. If they're good boys (and they sound like they are!), they'll understand that their mother cannot be home alone during this time.

And you aren't missing much by not watching the Jays :) Although they have a couple of young pitchers that look promising. I think of you and Ron every time I hear Josh Towers is pitching - and am happy to report he doesn't suck nearly as bad as he did last year. That alone would probably make Ron smile.

But now I feel like a shit-heel for arguing about soul mates with you and Jane. I do think you and Ron were soul-mates, just not in the way that a lot of romance writers interrupt the theme. See, I can compromise :)

Nicole said...

*hugs*

Seems others can express themselves much better than I can, but know that you're in my thoughts.

C2 said...

((((Kristie))))

Jaci said exactly what I wanted to (that's why she's an author and I'm a reader :o) ).

Take care.

Alison Kent said...

Kristie, I'm so glad that I got to meet you in person, and see for myself what a bubbly personality you are. It's wonderful that you've been able to do things, like visiting Dallas, but you lost someone so valuable to you that of course you need to mourn, but you also need to live as he wanted you to. Hugs and more hugs and even more. I'm thinking of you.

Karen W. said...

We'll all be thinking of you and praying for you during this difficult time, Kristie. Take care.

sybil said...

You are doing such an amazing job hon. And Ron would be so proud of you.

Cry when you need to. Smile when you can. Scream if it makes you feel better. Just roll with it, there are no rules, there is no right or wrong.

Be well and take care of you.

Lori said...

(((Hugs))) Kristie, you are doing awesome. I know Ron is out there cheering your every success and holding you in his heart just as you are holding him.

Make sure that you at least touch base with Brent so he knows you're thinking of him. Your boys are men to be proud of, and he will handle the weekend just fine.

Know we are thinking of you, and that we all love you!

Rosie said...

Reading all the wonderful things people have said I sat here feeling envious of their words. Wasn't Jaci brilliant?

I remember so clearly last year when I began reading your reminiscences of Ron and your life together. It moved me so deeply that you were able to share them with us, so eloquently, passionately and with all the love you had for Ron and your family so apparent. What a beautiful tribute to your relationship. All I can say is thank you.

I admire you and appreciate so much the gift you have shared. What an incredible year and journey you have had. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as this anniversary approaches. Whatever you decide to do I truly believe that Ron more than anyone would be so proud of you.

Casee said...

I think Jaci said it best.

I can't even imagine going through something like this, Kristie. I'll be thinking about you and hope you can remember the better times in the days to come. {{hugs}}

Tara Marie said...

What you've done in the last year is amazing. Your strength (whether you realize it or not is incredible. It's normal to grieve especially around anniversaries. My thoughts and prayers are with you everyday. Cry when you need to, it's healing.

Jodi_Lee said...

Kristie J - When you are happy, we are happy - and when you are sad, we are sad. Your post was beautiful. Do what you have to do girl. Love & prayers are sent your way.

Jane said...

Kristie

Your post was beautiful and whatever you need to do to help the healing process, you should do.

Jane

nath said...

Kristie, this just proves how much you love Ron and that he'll always be in your heart. Hang on there, Kristie :D

ames said...

hey kristie,

i am very proud of how strong a woman you are. my thoughts go out to you and the boys.

Daphne said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

CindyS said...

You are such a dear friend to me Kristie and the fact that you come my way more often means so much to me. I keep hoping one day I'll get a bump on my head and forget I have panic attacks. Then, look out! ;)

I will be thinking of you often this weekend and you are always in my prayers. And I think you should go and stock up on a couple dozen eggs - or go to a flea market and buy some old dishes. I'm sure Lisa has a few trees up where she lives.

(((((((Kristie))))))

ReneeW said...

I don't think I have anything to add to everyone's thoughtful comments. I'm impressed with your incredible strength. I pray that God will bring you peace and comfort and I hope that sharing your pain with us has lessened it for you. Bless you.

Love, Renee

Anonymous said...

Since Ron physically left you it seems spiritally he is stronger within you. You now live with more courage and strength, do more of the things you have a passion for and always within in you bits of Ron come out, You carry him in your thoughts and actions, you think of his reactions to your actions, he hasn't left you Kristie he is just letting you shine and carry him. I am sure that he is very proud of you and if you decide to cry or scream he would be there with you giving you his love and strength to be everything he knew you could be.
Now I have to go blow my nose as you made me cry. Take care.
Lori B.

Giselle said...

Kristie,
my eyes just welled up reading your post.

Just wanted to send lots of love and cyber hugs your way.

MERLIN said...

Kristie,

Big hug from the UK.

Nearly 5 years for me : it gets easier I promise you.

M x

Devon said...

My thoughts are with you Kristie. Go through whatever you have to go through and don't feel bad about it. It's completely natural that this would be a rough time, but it will get better.

All the best.

Jenster said...

Kristie -

However hard it was for you to write this post, I'm so glad you did. It's one of the most beautiful tributes I've ever read.

Cry as much as you want. Grieve, mourn, rant, rave, whatever your heart wants to do. It doesn't mean you're weak in the slightest.

I can't even begin to understand your pain, but I your words help me to feel it just a little.

Sherry Thomas said...

This is one of the most moving love letters I've ever read. When I see my husband tonight I will tell him how much I love him.

Anonymous said...

Hi Kristie:
Thinking of you!! Lori B. said it better than I could have.
Hugs,
Janice

Gabrielle said...

Kristie, you really are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing what you're going through. Beaucoup, beaucoup hugs.

Mollie said...

Kristie,
I'm so sorry I haven't commented sooner. You've left some very nice comments during my recent rough patch and I'm sorry I haven't done the same for you. I'm sorry for your loss and will keep you in my prayers.