Yesterday was a bad day.
Ron discovered a lump in his stomach just under the skin about three weeks ago. His radiation doctor wanted his chemo doctor to look at it and have a biopsy done but his chemo doctor kept blowing off his appointments. To date we have seen his chemo doctor once for about five minutes and he hasn’t shown for three other appointments. I was very frustrated because I have enough to battle without tracking down asshole doctors to make sure they show up for appointments they have scheduled. Finally, his chemo doctor arranged for Ron to see a surgeon and that appointment was yesterday. The doctor himself was very nice, the best one we have seen yet. But he didn’t know what the lump was either. He did think it was deeper than previously thought. He didn’t want to do a biopsy yet until another ultrasound was done so he scheduled one – March 7! It’s been so difficult waiting this long to find out what it is, to keep Ron from freaking on a daily basis. Now we have almost another month to wait. In addition Ron has now had 25 radiation doses. They changed the angle the other day and are coming at it from different directions. He can feel burning now in other parts of his body.
After yesterday’s appointment, I dropped him off at home and came to work but I was a zombie.
Up until now I have managed to remain fairly upbeat and I know I’ll get that back again, but yesterday was so hard. For the first time since this nightmare began, I broke down and cried in front of him. Any crying I’ve done before, I haven’t let him know about.
He is looking so bad right now. He has lost a great deal of his hair and what he has left has all turned gray. When we first met years and years ago, he had pretty long (and beautiful) hair. He’s been loosing a great deal of it over the last few years, but not like he has now. I know this bothers him a lot. He is pretty white now and has huge dark circles under his eyes. It hurts so much to look at him because I know how much he is hurting. He has another round of chemo scheduled on Friday and they take a huge toll on him. It all came crashing down on me yesterday. I’ve been trying to be strong for him but I just couldn’t.
For the first time in memory, I don’t want to be working. Even at my old job when things were so bad, I was glad in general, that I was out in the working world. But not anymore. I can’t think right and a part of me is resentful (not to my present employers – they have been great!) but in general, that I’m not there with him. But at the same time, to be with him all day – I don’t know if I can do it. But what about him? He lives it all day.
I know I’ll pick myself up, gather the strength again to go on though – and soon. I just couldn’t yesterday.
I’m not sure I’ll leave this up. It’s pretty depressing. But it does help to express things in writing.