Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Yesterday was a bad day.
Ron discovered a lump in his stomach just under the skin about three weeks ago. His radiation doctor wanted his chemo doctor to look at it and have a biopsy done but his chemo doctor kept blowing off his appointments. To date we have seen his chemo doctor once for about five minutes and he hasn’t shown for three other appointments. I was very frustrated because I have enough to battle without tracking down asshole doctors to make sure they show up for appointments they have scheduled. Finally, his chemo doctor arranged for Ron to see a surgeon and that appointment was yesterday. The doctor himself was very nice, the best one we have seen yet. But he didn’t know what the lump was either. He did think it was deeper than previously thought. He didn’t want to do a biopsy yet until another ultrasound was done so he scheduled one – March 7! It’s been so difficult waiting this long to find out what it is, to keep Ron from freaking on a daily basis. Now we have almost another month to wait. In addition Ron has now had 25 radiation doses. They changed the angle the other day and are coming at it from different directions. He can feel burning now in other parts of his body.
After yesterday’s appointment, I dropped him off at home and came to work but I was a zombie.
Up until now I have managed to remain fairly upbeat and I know I’ll get that back again, but yesterday was so hard. For the first time since this nightmare began, I broke down and cried in front of him. Any crying I’ve done before, I haven’t let him know about.
He is looking so bad right now. He has lost a great deal of his hair and what he has left has all turned gray. When we first met years and years ago, he had pretty long (and beautiful) hair. He’s been loosing a great deal of it over the last few years, but not like he has now. I know this bothers him a lot. He is pretty white now and has huge dark circles under his eyes. It hurts so much to look at him because I know how much he is hurting. He has another round of chemo scheduled on Friday and they take a huge toll on him. It all came crashing down on me yesterday. I’ve been trying to be strong for him but I just couldn’t.
For the first time in memory, I don’t want to be working. Even at my old job when things were so bad, I was glad in general, that I was out in the working world. But not anymore. I can’t think right and a part of me is resentful (not to my present employers – they have been great!) but in general, that I’m not there with him. But at the same time, to be with him all day – I don’t know if I can do it. But what about him? He lives it all day.
I know I’ll pick myself up, gather the strength again to go on though – and soon. I just couldn’t yesterday.
I’m not sure I’ll leave this up. It’s pretty depressing. But it does help to express things in writing.


Mad said...

{{{{Kristie}}}} Hang in there, hon. I've been trying to drag my hubby to the doctor for weeks now. Years ago he had a lump/bump in the middle of his back that wouldn't go away. We ended up going to a doctor who removed it...said the tests on it came back negative so it was just benign. Where he cut him healed but lately he feels the lump again and when he presses down hard on it, pus comes out. He keeps saying it's nothing but these days, with the C word around every time you turn around, it's pretty hard not to think it's "something" to his "nothing" I might have to knock him out and drag him to the doctor for my peace of mind soon if he doesn't willing go with me.

Bookwormom said...

AW (((Kristie & Ron)))

Take it down if you like, but don't keep everything all bottled up. It isn't good for your mental or physical health to bury it all inside.

It must be very hard indeed to wait so long for an appointment. I'd consider filing a written complaint against the doctor who continues to skip his appointments. It is unfair to his patients. Then again, you already have quite a bit to cope with, perhaps complaining about him is another burden.

romancelover said...

Hang in there. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Be strong!!!

Megan Frampton said...

Break down here anytime. You know you've got a lot of people rooting for you guys out here.
Love to you both.

Kristie (J) said...

Mad: You HAVE to get him in - whatever it takes!!!. For months before Ron finally was diagnosed, he said he "felt" something around the top of his stomach. He would try and see if I could feel it too but as he's always been a wee bit of a hypocondriac, I didn't take him too seriously. I could never feel anything but told him to have it checked out anyway. I didn't push that hard though for him to go. Now of course we know there was something there and the thought that if I had insisted and not brushed off his concerns - well, it would drive me crazy if I allow myself to think about it.
I know, believe me, that the what if thoughts are scary, and hopefully, probably it will turn out to be nothing serious, but if I can learn and pass on anything through this, it's to not wait and just hope it goes away!!
So do the old caveman turn-around. Knock him out and drag him by the hair! Then "reward" him later for being a good little caveboy ;)

Amanda & Daniela: Thanks. We are seeing someone if not the actual doctor we are supposed to be seeing. He's sending in the second string, which is probably better anyway as I wasn't the least impressed with him in the FIVE MINUTES we met him. But still chain of command dictates that any decisions or orders come from him. And if he's not even showing upt..... Yes - he is treating a disease - but he's also treating a person but we are feeling very like non-persons with this doctor.

Angela James said...

Oh Kristie, I would never wish what you and Ron are going through on anyone. It's amazing to me that you've held up this long, without crying in front of Ron. Is there any possibility that you could see a counselor/therapist? It might be helpful in processing your feelings. Not taking them away, but helping to cope and giving you an outlet.


Alyssa said...

Oh, Kristie. I'm so sorry to hear this. :( Feel free to vent all you want. We're here for you.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way,

Tara Marie said...

Kristie, {{{HUGS}}} and prayers are with you everyday. When I saw this earlier, I had a good cry for you. Whenever you need a shoulder, your online friends are here.


CindyS said...

Kristie, don't beat yourself up about crying. I'm so glad that you finally let some of it out. It is probably a bit of a relief for Ron to see that you are scared for him.

You are so very strong and I don't know how you do it. I pray for you guys and hope that everything will work itself out. I know we are blessed with the healthcare system we have here in Canada but the treatment you are getting from that doctor is criminal! The wait times are also horrible. You would think that Ron would be a high priority case that would get in sooner than next month.

Also, with what you are going through you need to give yourself permission to have bad days. Resenting your job is going to be part of it but even the romantics in us know that being with someone 24/7 can make things even harder. I like Angie's suggestion. It's okay to get help even when you think 'but he is the one that has it the worse'. It doesn't matter. Your feelings count too. Ron may also benefit if he has a mind to go to someone himself as he is experiencing things that he might not be able to express to those closest to him.


CW said...

Oh, Kristie. Hugs and take care.

Kristie (J) said...

I'm feeling much better today and I've able to make Ron laugh again. Well - me and Xena (apparently I was spelling her name wrong before I was told). I think yesterday it was the letdown of waiting to see someone only to be told we have to wait even longer. I told Ron that if they really considered it high priority, they would have bumped him up higher, so they must not be overly concerned. My sister has been urging me to get councelling to deal with things(and to help integrate Krisite - she's met her)and I think I will. I've been trying to get Ron to talk to someone too - but so far he's resisting.
They asked me today at work if I would be interested in taking on a rather large project. As it's pretty basic and doesn't take a lot of thinking, I think something like that will be good. I'm just worried though about the commitment it means. As I said, they have been very good and understanding there and have encouraged me to take off as much time as I need but this may change things a bit as there is a time limit on the project.
Thank you to all for listening. It really does mean a lot - more than words can say.

Nicole said...

*hugs* Kristie.

I'd say counseling would be a good thing. I always scoffed at it until I actually went. And amazingly it did help to be able to just talk to someone who really listened.

ReneeW said...

Oh, Kristie, sweetie, I'm so sorry you have had so much to deal with. Angie's suggestion of a counselor is a good one. I will keep you and Ron in my nightly prayers.

sybil said...

You are amazing hon and I hope you know that. Counseling might not do you any good but you know what, it can't hurt right?

So if you can do it, do it. And maybe seeing you go, will help give Ron the nerve to go.

many hugs to you guys!

Avid Reader said...


You know I'm here for you, too, and your both in my prayers. And, hey, I broke down and bought LOST. I kept thinking about you whenever I looked at the box set. The price was very reasonable with my coupon. Take care, stay strong.


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