Oh dear – I hate to be depressing, but things aren’t going at all well right now and writing helps.
Ron had 28 treatments of radiation and until the last day, there seemed to be few side effects. Ha! I thought. This isn’t going to be as bad as we were told it could be. Unfortunately I thought too soon. He is suffering them now. He’s experiencing devastating pain when he tries to eat something. Mealtime – which hasn’t been good since this first started, has become something I dread beyond belief. Seeing him in pain – and he’s not hiding it – is causing me almost unbearable heartbreak. On Sunday, I couldn’t take it and had to drive out and grieve to my sister. Now she’s in pain seeing my pain which is caused by Ron’s pain. And now I feel bad passing it on to others. But if I don’t express it somehow – I will explode. People standing around where I was before the explosion will look, scratch their head and say “Yup – she blowed up reeaalll good there”
One of the options they mentioned before the radiation is a feeding tube. I’m thinking we are going to have to go that route even though when I first heard it I cringed. Ron’s not a big guy. In recent years I’ve compared us to Jack Spratt and his wife – me being the wife. He can’t afford to loose any more weight but eating is causing him excruciating pain. And me eating? Fugetaboutit. Anything I eat tastes like sawdust.
I called Social Services today to see about getting in to talk to someone – that good counsellor thing. I just feel like I can’t talk about it much to my sisters ‘cause it hurts them. One thing I decided. When we get past this – whatever may happen – I am going to find out how I can help other people in similar situations. That’s one thing keeping me going.
Work is both a blessing and a curse. If I didn’t have work to go to and stayed home with Ron all day – well I just can’t imagine. On the other hand, my concentration powers are lower that a snake’s belly in a wagon rut right about now. We are talking zombie girl here.
One of the things that absolutely helps the most though is the cyber romance community. Visiting and reading message boards and even more the romance blogging community is what’s helping to keep me sane. That and an extremely strange and some might even say warped sense of humour I inherited from my parents.
Reading blogs, commenting on blogs, doing my own blog – it is all helping more than I can express.
So, if you’ve made it to the end of this entry – my thanks and deepest appreciation for being a member of the community.