Etc. time

So – I made a big decision yesterday – and I’m at peace about it. A few weeks ago I applied for another position for the company I work for. I’m not going to name the company, but basically it’s an organization that arranges home care for people who have been released from the hospital yet still need nursing care. Or they may need some personal support work or a number of other services. We are like the hub of the wheel and the men and women who visit the homes are the spokes. I work in the intake department so we are often on the front lines. We are open 8 to 8, 7 days a week so this means I have to work my share of weekends and late evenings. My official title is team assistant and I work with nurses and other similar professionals in an administrative type position.

Now for those who may not know this, only a few weeks after Ron died, I found myself out of work. I was not in a good place. But I finally managed to pull myself together and get out looking for work. I was sent to this place, though I didn’t realized until my first day the role they played in my own life. As soon as I did, and this may sound strange to those who don’t believe in this kind of thing, I knew it was Ron still taking care of me.

I love what I do – simply love it. Although it’s more in administration than actual hands on of people, at the end of every day I come home feeling like I’ve helped make a difference in the role I play. I’ve adjusted to the odd hours during the week and even seen the good on each different shift I work. I don’t mind working every third weekend. And I can’t say enough good things about the people I work with. I see them working hard at times in seemingly insurmountable odds trying to work things out and my respect for what they do grows every day.

But the position I applied for is in a different area of the company. It’s in the corporate end of things. It’s a higher category job; I would be making quite a bit more money and I would be using many more of the administration type skills I’ve gained over the years than I do now. I had to take tests last week and went for an interview where I think I did pretty good. So I think the chances of being offered this other job are pretty good.

But still I was torn on what to do if I was offered the position since I love where I am now. The drawbacks aren’t really drawbacks for me. I wanted to have an answer in advance in case I was offered the position and had to make a very quick decision.

And it came to me today – in a peaceful, yet definite way. I’m going to choose to stay where I am. There is a fairly high turnover in the department because it’s not the usual ‘9 to 5’ job so I think they need as much consistency as they can get. It’s more ‘hands on’ then the one I applied for and I think that is one of the reasons why I’m there. Because having gone through what so many of the people we serve are going through myself, I have the understanding and empathy of what they are feeling when they call.

And at this point in my life, I don’t have the ambition to climb any higher. A few years I did and I would have snapped up this job in a New York minute if offered. But things have changed in my life. Priorities are different. And while more money is not a bad thing, Ron left me fairly comfortable financially wise. I can afford to travel to Dallas, to San Francisco, to Washington DC and still rent a cottage with friends. I have a car that’s in good condition and the house is paid off. So making more money isn’t as important as the feeling I have at the end of the day.

Things can get pretty hairy some days. And I ache and hurt at some of the situations I see. But after sitting quiet and listening to my heart, I know I’m where I’m supposed to be.

And the peace I have at making this decision feels very good – even if some people may not understand the choice.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I wrote the above early last week partly to help me through my thoughts. Yesterday I was called into the Human Resource Managers office and she told me I was the lucky candidate and I was offered the position. There were at least six other people that also applied for the job.

I turned it down.

As I left her office, I thought to myself 'self, you just did something a lot of people would consider real stupid.'

What made it even more...... interesting....... is after I wrote the above, I was called into my managers office and reprimanded for something I screwed up on. That hurt - bothered me for days! But in the end it didn't change my decision. While it was hard listening to her tell me she was very disappointed in me, I think I was even more disappointed in myself. I was oh so tempted to change my mind if offered the job, but in the end I knew I couldn't.

And that's a glimpse into what's been going on in my world.