Sunday, September 28, 2008

It’s not always easy to ‘do the right thing’. It hurts to face the facts sometimes that you are wrong; people were hurt in part due to your actions or lack of; that underneath it all, you are a coward.
This is what happened to me. I don’t know how many are aware of the latest controversy going around blog land, but inadvertently I find myself in the middle of it.

Some months ago now, a group of us were IM’ing each other back and forth, having a jolly time, discussing favourite heroes and who we would like to take with us if we were ever stranded on a dessert island. It was a lot of fun and we decided to blog about it along with our favourite books.
From that, a blog was born – the DIK Ladies. A huge flurry of emails were flying back and forth and because I was one of the original group on the AIM discussion and then on the favourite hero blogs, I was included in the DIK group. I didn’t contribute a whole bunch. I was somewhat uncomfortable as I’m a frequent visitor at AAR and they use that term. I sent an email saying that might not be such a good idea, but I truly believe it was lost in the flurry that was going back and forth because there were A LOT. I didn’t know many of the people involved and being quiet by nature, I let it slide.
This is where I made my fist mistake. I should have made sure my voice was heard. But RL distracted me. At the time I was stressed at work from training a series of new people, not getting my own work done and I just let the issue go.
Time went on.
Then I heard that Laurie of AAR was upset about the name of the blog. As I was only a peripheral member of the blog, I kind of let things lapse again.
But then yesterday I was blog hopping and visiting AAR potpourri board. I will be honest again and say that I didn’t read Laurie’s whole post on her own blog. At that moment I thought “shit! I should have done more back at the beginning.” But, knowing how important AAR is to Laurie and knowing recognition for something is important, I sent her an email saying I understood that she was upset.
And here I made mistake number 2. I quickly dashed off the email without going into more detail.
This is part of the email I sent Laurie. And I realize by explaining my part in this that I will anger some good people and I am so truly sorry for that. I consider so many bloggers dear friends
Next thing I knew, we were doing posts on it. I was a tad uncomfortable, but not nearly so much as when some of them decided to start a blog. I sent them an email saying I didn't think it was such a good idea; that AAR had come up with the phrase DIK and perhaps they should come up with a different name. Alas, I was ignored. It was created and set-up without any input from me - other than the e-mail I sent saying they should look for a different name.
Laurie emailed me back asking if she could quote me. I was in a terrible dilemma. I didn’t explain myself well enough in that email. She said I could be anonymous, but I bristled at that. I don’t like being anonymous. Never have been, never will be.
And then I saw DA post. To be honest I’ve met Jane and think very highly of her but I don’t think it was well done of her at all. Even if I wasn’t personally involved, I was appalled.
At the same time, I was made aware that Laurie has a ‘button’ she wants people to add to their blog. And while I chastise Jane of DA, I also chastise Laurie in this move. My immediate thought was ‘come on – give me a break!’

So back and forth went a flurry of emails with the DIK ladies. Some of them were shocked to hear that Laurie was so upset, some were pissed off and MANY of them were surprised because they were unaware of the whole situation and a good majority are either very infrequent visitors of AAR or never visited at all.
Please read this again.
That is the truth. My original email probably went nowhere.
In all my years of online presence, I have never been as sick at heart as I have been over this situation. At this point in time, for my own peace of mind, I’m very tempted to get out of the blogging world/romance community altogether. I’m tired of that knot I’ve had in my stomach over my own lack of action/wrong action and the actions of some others.

I know some people will be angry with me and I hate that they will be. But so be it.
Now, I’ve had my say and I’m done with the whole situation. I’m tired of the childishness shown on some people’s parts and I’m angry with myself.


nath said...

Hi Kristie!

Seriously, I think you shouldn't feel as guilty as you are. Being part of a group blog is hard and with DIK having so many members, it's even harder. You've done what you could in the beginning. Perhaps you should have tried harder, but what's done is done.

Also, seriously, I understand Laurie's issue... but if you don't know DIK "originated" from AAR, what can you do? It's so frequently used nowadays...

sybil said...


Don't sweat it. I think the whole thing is less about 'wrong or right' as personal conflicts and personalities.

I can agree AAR & LLB had no legal claim to the term and her post, result, DA post and the following were so easy to see coming it was just a matter of time.

You can't be responsible for anyone but yourself, even in a group of people. Much of the nature of blogging can cause a LOOK AT ME DAMN IT vibe to it. As well as a if you don't I am gonna hold my breath until you do. Jane's post was very her, wicked smart, unflinching and snarky. LLB's post I haven't read, cuz I am really sure it will annoy me and would cause a reaction much like Jane's.

Only I am much more of a bitch than she is, not near as smart and would cuss. I do not think of LLB as a victim here in broad terms. And seriously think she went about this in the wrong way.

At the same time I can understand her frustration and I do think credit should be given if and when someone does something to personally influence another.

But that is vague and there is no way to enforce that... saying I am pissed off is one thing vs saying I am going to hold my breath until you give me credit. Sort of losses the punch.

It would be like me starting a DoY VS DiW blog where Craven and St Vincent fight it out til the death. ;)

I would of course tell Lisa Kleypas about it and if she said oh gosh I would rather you didn't. That would be the end. I would tell you, credit you for being a point of my madness and prolly some of the others.

It would be all in good fun and why the hell NOT shout out those that play... MUCH like your great crusades (sp?).

I would most likely miss people. And as they came up I would WANT to add them, cuz it is silly fun and fuck me I don't want to leave people out or hurt them over something silly.

But that is me... I ALSO know point blank if in my excitement I had forgotten you and you emailed me or I had someone go sybil you stoopid ass what about Kristie? I would have begged your forgiveness.

NOT because I had too. Not because it was due to legally. But because it is just 'right' in sybils moral world and we all know I have so fucking few of them I cling to the few I do ;).

At the same time, if you had emailed me in anger, demanded credit and or a button (that makes me giggle to imagine) I would like to think I would have thought shit sybil you rude whore FIX this. But knowing me, well ok if it was someone I didn't know well like you, I would have responded with a what the fuck who do you think you are telling me what to do?

Cuz I tend to come unglued when anyone tries to FORCE me to do jack. I am sure you haven't noticed ;).

le sigh I had a point here, WOOT I am embracing my rambler....

Point is get the fuck over it love, you said your piece and said it well. Friends fuck up, friends get over it and friends get over imagined slights. It is more than possible to be friends with various people, some who might not even get along.

YOU can take NO responsibility for anyone but yourself.

Now get this stupid idea out of your head about 'leaving' cuz you aren't allowed to go anywhere. I might not be able to go there and kick your ass but I can send CindyS ;).

Kay Webb Harrison said...

Dear Kristie,

I have been following the DIK matter with some trepidation. When I checked out the DIK site and saw your name, I couldn't believe that you had had a part in naming the site without a shout out to AAR/LLB. I am always so pleased to be right; it happens so rarely.

We all do things in the moment that we wish we could undo later. It's part of being human. However, YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. Please do not deprive the rest of us of your gracious presence on your own blog and on others.

Take care,

Dev said...

I've seen this brewing over the past week and my first thought about Laurie and DIK was "Is she serious?" I honestly didn't know, because I honestly don't know what the big deal is.

So, I guess I'm Switzerland. I have no sides here. I visit blogs for the friendships, camaraderie, and book recommendations. I tend to stay out of the wars and snark battles ~ I'll even avoid certain blogs until the war is over so to speak.

Don't beat yourself up about this, Kristie. You can only be responsible for yourself.

Wendy said...

I'm breaking my cardinal "Wendy Is Switzerland And Thinks Blog Drama Is Beyond Absurd" rule just for you sweetie. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT let this "event" keep you from blogging. Because damn, you've just started posting on a semi-regular basis again, and I love your posts. First Tara Marie leaves me, and now if you do? I'm going to throw a major tantrum - and nobody really wants to see that.

And I will come and find you if you decide to leave. Shit, I know the area. I could show up at your place, hog-tie you, make you wear a Yankees jersey (see, that's how evil I am!) then make a pit stop in Buffalo and get myself some real pizza, real wings, and reasonably priced Canadian beer.

Plus you're one of the few people I know who has a book collection more insane than I do. And who will say, "Wendy, Wendy, Wendy" to me when I mention all the great books I still have languishing in my TBR?

So don't you dare leave!

sybil said...


wendy posted


Wendy said...

Sybil: Well, here's the thing. I stayed out of all the commenting etc. because like you....I knew I would cuss. Nobody likes a cussing librarian. It just tends to frighten people.

sybil said...

I have heard you cuss, does that make me extra nifty?

I said out of it cuz I am well medicated and afraid you would hurt me. *g* I prolly cuss enough for both of us, err and then some ;).

You should go do a post on tgtbtu, TSL top ten reason to stay out of blog dramz one can be LOL cats is so 1990. But gwen might hit you over that one *g*

Bev(BB) said...

Kristie, please don't let all this get you down. If you have to take a break and stay away from a few individual sites for awhile, then do it, but don't let it get to you because you didn't do anything wrong regardless. It's called a breather and we all need them at times.

Consider this, anyone could've used the label "Desert Isle Keepers" for a blog on any blogging utility or even another site whether related to romance or not. No one owns the phrase. Even picking it up as a domain doesn't lock it down that way. And there are even a lot of romance readers out there who haven't heard of either AAR or DA no matter what they might want to believe or hope.

Misty G said...

Kristie, if you stop blogging i will cry. Don't make me cry?lol

And by the way Syb, I have the feeling Kev could wip both Derek and St Vincent's butt in a street fight. It would be a close call with Derek, but I think my Kev could take him.

azteclady said...

What Sybil said, what Wendy said.

Please Kristie, ignore this latest bit of online childishness, please please please ***hug***

azteclady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sybil said...

Misty I didn't think this was a good time to tell Kristie that the order is now Seb, Kev, Derek

Was he not wonderful? CANT WAIT for leo's book. And omg the next contemp is looking FABU.

Do I need to say sorry for hijacking your thread? :)

Dev said...

Sybil ~ don't apologize. I'm just finishing Mine Till Midnight. It's been languishing in the TBR pile for far too long. I need to finish it before Kev and Win's story is out on Tuesday. And can I just say I'm so happy about the amount of Sebastian in this book??? Also, lots of talk about Jenner's, but what ever happened to Derek and Sarah after Craven's burned down???

Kristie, any thoughts????

Jace said...

Kristie, it takes guts to come out and state your case. I think you've done the right thing. We can't control what others will feel, say and/or do ... as long as your conscience is clear and you've done what *you* thought was right, that's the important thing.

Brie said...

Kristie, Thanks for sharing.

I do find the whole "naming of the blog" thing beyond silly, and that probably has a lot to do with me being fairly new to the romance community and having no idea that DIK was synonymous with AAR until yesterday.

From an outsider looking in, I think that things could have been handled better on both sides. Instead of the mud slinging that I saw on DA yesterday, and the passiveness that is underlining this whole debacle, just being straight forward probably would have kept this small thing from turning into big one.

Anyway, I don't think that you should quit blogging because of this. We all make mistakes every now and then, and in the grand scheme of things, this is an itty bitty misstep.

I commend you for coming forward and being honest, so rare to find these days. And I'm sure that for every one person that is upset that you have come forward, there will be at least two that are not.

Keep your head up, doll. This too shall pass.

Misty G said...

Er, in my book, I'm pretty sure it's not Kev, Derek, way...Kristie J, do not stop blogging your book thoughts! Cuz really, that is what this is all about. Thoughts on books.

Shannon said...

Kristie- Please please please don't let this cause you to leave the blogging world. Of all that has resulted from this situation (hurt feelings, arguments, etc.) you leaving would be the worst one. I'm sorry that your voice was not heard amidst the craziness of the blog being created. I hopped on the bandwagon after the first big DIK push, so was not aware that you had tried to speak up regarding the name. I regret that the situation has put you in an uncomfortable place. I can honestly say that I had never visited AAR, so was not aware that she used the initials often. I had heard the term used in other places, so did not think it would be taboo to shorten the three words to initials for our purpose. This is an unfortunate situation and I hope it all blows over soon so that we can all get back to our regularly scheduled book lovin'.

Tumperkin said...

Kristie - you are such a lovely woman and a great blogger and reviewer - I hate that you feel bad! I'm deliberately not saying anything about the rights and wrongs here cos I feel that's so secondary to the fact you are feeling this way and you really shouldn't.


Holly said...

I've been a member of the romance blogging community for going on three years now and I had no idea DIK and AAR were related in anyway. None.

Perhaps you and some others that started the blog did, but I tend to think it was all done in innocence. Did the ladies who founded the blog pick the name to annoy Laurie? Or to disrespect her? Of course not.

To beat yourself up over it is silly. You are an integral part of the romance community and to see you silence yourself over one silly thing is ridiculous. I seriously doubt anyone - whether it be Laurie or the DIKLadies - meant for that to happen.

Take a short break and breathe a bit if you need to, then come back and tell the blogging world why you love Kev more than Derek now. (*snicker*)

We love you, Kristie, and personally I think Blogland would be a sad place without you.

Big Hugs!

As an aside - Sybil and Wendy, you two crack me up. ;)

Alyssa said...

Oh, Kristie . . .

It's tough to be in the middle. But take comfort in the fact that you did raise your concerns. Now you can get out of the middle and let the other parties work it out.

Take a blogging break if you need it, but you must return. :) You're fabulous!

Marg said...

Like Holly I have been blogging for nearly 3 years, and had no idea that AAR and DIK were so linked. I don't visit AAR, and am unlikely to do so any time soon.

Kristie, the blog world would be a much poorer place without your contribution, so I hope that this situation does not cause you to stop blogging. Take a break if you need, but please don't leave all together.

Devon said...

KristieJ, you better not go anywhere.

Don't sweat it. No kerfuffles have a very long shelf life anyway. You did what you could, and I can see how you feel uncomfortable, but it shall pass. Is any body really angry at the DIK ladies anyway?

For my part, I only visied the DIK blog at its inception. I've been so oot of things. Although I was familiar with AAR and DIK, it didn' make a big impression on me. It was a variation, an offshoot, of a concept that was also a variation on a common concept. I don't see the site's presence as having a effect on AAR, so I don't see what the big deal is. Adding an acknowledgment is a good idea, and all that is needed (if anything).

I enjoyed Jane's post and thought it was a light-hearted way to treat the subject. Didn't get the end thing about buying up domains, though.

Stop talking about Kev!

Dev said...

Give the girl a break, Devon. Since Sebastian has effectively kicked Derek's ass into hiding, the girl needs to talk about somebody.

Devon said...

No talking about things I don't haaaave yet. Dontcha know it's only fun if I can lord it over folks too? :)

Christine said...

Dearest Kristie,
First of all, you are one of the sweetest, warmest, laid back blogging friends I have. I love you dearly.

Secondly, this 'situation' is not your fault and in no way are your responsible for Laurie's hurt feelings. If Laurie is a kind, understanding friend, she will absolve you of any responsibility with regard to her hurt feelings. You did what you thought was right by voicing your opinion about the blog name months ago and that's it. You are not responsible for anyone else's actions. Nor are you responsible for making sure everyone you come in contact with in the romance blogging world is happy with each other.

Thirdly, please do not even consider leaving the blogging world. So many people, including countless lurkers, would miss you terribly. Please don't punish yourself or your other blogging friends for one person's drama.

Finally, Wendy the (cussing) Librarian will come through NJ, play the slots in Atlantic City (for gas money, of course), then pick me up on her way to you. We will find you. =)

Yours truly,

Carolyn Jean said...

Kristie, I think anybody who knows anything about you or reads the thoughtful things you have to say every week has to know you would never act in a purposely unkind, unfriendly way.

And hey! Obviously you voiced their concerns. You aren't the den mother here. You have no reason to feel guilty. Don't stop blogging!

Katiebabs said...

Kristie: ((HUGS))
There is no reason to feel bad at all. Just because a person or person who have issues with something, doesn't mean you should have the same issues also.
They are making their problems yours.
You know why I have been silent on this who situation, and quiet honestly, there are much more important things to worry about. I have a mother who is sick, I am up to my eyeballs in planning my sister's wedding and hoping to god I will have a job next year and will be able to afford simple things such as food and shelter.
I have put things into perspective and I think others should do the same.
At least we have the awesome video of Ninja Cat to keep us smiling.

Aymless said...

NNNNOOOOOOOOooooo!!! KRISTIE NO LEAVE...*grabs ankle* How will I HAVE to add things to my TBR without you?!

Ditto with everyone here, NOT your fault/problem. And we all LUURVE you and can't read without you. (((HUG)))

Personally I didn't know about AAR/LLB until yesterday and only knew about the DIK through the Hero Draft (still giggling over it). I joined all in fun and certain had no idea it would hurt someone's feelings. It's all about fun and sharing the love of books.

Aymless said...

Err... Forgot... GO Derek GO!

Marianne McA said...



I never made it over to the DIK ladies blog, but you posted about it here, and it never crossed my mind that there was anything untoward about the use of the acronym in the name, even though I've been visiting AAR for years.

I do think it's a storm in a teacup, and next week we'll all be angsting about something else stupid. I'm guilty of participating, but this sort of kerfuffle is what I like least about the internet.
You (and Katiebabs) are, OTOH, firmly in the 'what I like most about the internet' category.
You talk about books AND Richard Armitage. And you're such nice people.

I shall cry if you stop blogging.

Leslie said...

Kristie ~ Please don't stop blogging. Your wit, intelligence and all around kindness would truly be missed. You are human, you made what you feel is a mistake and now you're owning up to it and doing what you can to fix it. Please don't let it stress you out. We all make mistakes and none of us can please everyone no matter how hard we try.

I hadn't heard anything about this until I read DA's post. I don't frequent AAR much so wasn't aware that they think DIK is theirs. I honestly don't understand why it's such a big deal but I'm newbie to blog land.

So if a break from blogging is what you need that's cool but please don't stop completely. We would all miss you very much!
(And you really don't want to wear a Yankees jersey) : o

Bookwormom said...

AWWW Kristie, don't go! I missed you so much when you took a break before. Like Wendy said, Tara's gone now too & it'd be so sad for you to leave over such an item as this. Really. You said your piece, things'll settle down soon. Stay & read a while with us.


Bridget Locke said...

Kristie-First of all, I commend you on your attitude during this whole kerfuffle and how you've acted during it.

Secondly-If you quit blogging I think I will hunt you down and tie you to your desk. I love your blog! I've been coming here for years and know I'll always find something heartfelt and wonderful here.

As you're well aware, this whole situation has seriously hit my hot button and I've tried very hard to stay out of it, but in situations like this, I want to reach over and smack people upside their head for the sheer stupidity and pettiness that I've witnessed during this.

I find it very sad that things like this pop up on a regular basis, especially in the romance blogland. I find it shows us all in a bad light and makes us all look ridiculous.

I would rather it never happened at all, but since it did, I think we should all act like grown-ups & practice a mature viewpoint on the whole thing. I may still be mad and want to scream, but I refuse to let that woman ruin a wonderful and fun experience for me.

There, I think I've said what I needed to say.

And PS. Kristie, I love ya, babe! :)

pidute said...

i am always shocked at the reaction of some people !

This DIK blog was just a bit of fun were not talking about a company that brass tones of money.

Don't let drag you down we love you !

Taja said...


the first thing I thought when I read your post was "No! Don't stop blogging over this." You're an important part of the romance community and a wonderful blogger, and it would be a sad day if you quit.

While I can understand that you feel bad about this all, I also think that you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. I know that is easier said than done, but seriously, I think you did what you could and you shouldn't feel ashamed.

So my final thought still is: "No! Don't stop blogging over this."


Stacy~ said...

I've also been blogging about 3 years and have seen my share of stuff. I can honestly say I was completely clueless about this whole thing until I came to your blog this morning (Monday). I rarely visit AAR and had no idea that that DIK came from there. (But did it really? I mean, how much out there is really all that original these days?)

I LOVE your blog & your posts, and hope you decide to stick around. We love you Kristie, and would have to lose you. You are a true friend and I hope you don't let this bother you because you are not a spiteful person, and no one should be mad at you.

Jessica said...


I think you discharged your responsibility by sending the emails and raising the issue. The rest is out of your hands.

I agree with you completely that there's a enough bad behavior to go around on this one. A lot of people whose virtual personas I really respect have not acquitted themselves well. It's too bad.

My own outsiders' view is that no measly term could generate this much heat. Rather, what's at issue for everyone is the changing of the guard in terms of the centrality and influence of AAR relative to other romance blogs.

MK/Kati said...

*running in*

Damn it! I'm late for everything!

Oh Kristie, my love, I can't have you making with the crazy talk. Of course you're not going to stop blogging. That would be silly.

Yes, this whole thing WAS a whirlwind, and sure it was done in fun, and yes, feelings got hurt.

But you, my sweet, sweet friend, did what you could, you raised the issue for those of us on the DIK blog, you emailed Laurie in the hopes of making amends. Sometimes the sweetest gestures aren't appreciated. But honey, you ARE. NOT. TO. BLAME. for this. There's been a bit of childishness on all sides, I think. And you have, as you always do, comported yourself as a grown up.

And we LOVE you for it.


Teddy Pig said...


I my world which is obviously different than many


Stop feeling bad for doing the right thing.

I myself would have done the wrong thing and spun crazy lady up so much she would be starting hate blogs about my ass.

But that's just me.

Stay, you make the rest of us a little saner.

Zeek said...

you're fine Kristie- and really Desert Isle is hardly an original "idea" (NPR has a desert island segment)- but from what I can see, and I've seen very little of this because I've long excised some of these blogs from my regular bloghopping because of the ugliness- you handle things well.

I truly admire someone who doesn't blameshift and will "man up"- even when it isn't all together clear WHO is to blame!


JenB said...

Don't feel bad, Kristie. There's no right or wrong here and no "fault" or blame.

Even those of us who knew that AAR used and popularized the phrase DIK had no way of knowing that LLB actually thought she had *created* the phrase and therefore owned it.

I think the whole thing is silly and overblown, and I think we should all just let it go.

Karma will take care of the rest. The universe is pretty damn good at knocking the High and Mighty off their pedestals.

Tracy said...

Kristie - I love you and I'm sorry that you are feeling badly. Please don't leave the blogging world - we would all miss you dearly! {{big hug}}

Lynne Connolly said...

Kristie, worry ye not.
The original to the "Desert Island" thing is the BBC's program "Desert Island Discs" which has been running since 1946.
The premise of the program is that if you are stranded on a desert island, which 8 records will you take with you, which book (apart from the Bible and Shakespeare) and which luxury? I've listened to that program all my life and played the DID game for a very long time.
Unless the BBC objects, I think you're fine.

Tracy said...

Dammit I hit send before I meant to! lol

Anyway, you are in no way responsible so please don't fret! :)

Katie Reus said...

Omg, I know I'm late commenting, but I hope you don't leave the blogging world!! :) As you know I'm a late joiner of DIK, but I'd never heard of a connection btwn DIK and AAR and I've been a member of the romance community for three years (I actually had never heard of Laurie until a couple days ago). Shit happens and you can't look back and think what you 'might have done'. You've handled this the best way you thought. Personally, I think this situation is a little silly and nothing was done in maliciousness so hopefully everything will pass over soon!

Hugs :)

Rosie said...

Power to the people. Your fans have spoken and you can't go anywhere. And, it IS so obviously true, 'EVERYBODY loves Kristie!'