Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Today is my anniversary. It would have been 31 years married. I don’t even know if I should still say it is my wedding anniversary since Ron isn’t with me anymore. He was always the one to remember the day. Half the time I don’t know what the date is so it was always a good thing he would remind me and ask where I wanted to go for dinner and if were getting each other gifts. We always said no we weren’t going to get each other anything but he always got me flowers anyway. He always said he hated cards, but he would get me the most romantic ones anyways. Since he had such a hard time telling me he loved me, I think he let the cards say it for him, but he would always add something special to them.

The grief is getting worse. I put on a Jays game the other day and watched about 3 innings before I stared crying and had to turn it off – and they were winning! But we spent so much time watching them that I can’t watch them now.

I spent hours on the weekend doing housework. That set me off because I’ve always been lousy at it and now he’s not here to see what a great job I did. I even washed walls!!

I’ve moved into the other bedroom – after I cleaned it – because I can’t bear to look over and not see him next to me.

The boys have offered to come over and help me go through his things but I can’t even think about doing that yet.

I still have his voice on the answering machine. It’s quite disconcerting for people who call and get it, but I can’t change it because it’s the sound of his voice.

I’ve barely been able to read. I guess that isn’t unusual, but for me it seems like another loss.

I find myself withdrawing. I’m ok when I’m around people; it’s when I’m alone it gets bad. It’s the getting out that is becoming difficult. If I had the job to go back to it would have been better, but now it’s gone too and I don’t know if I have the readiness to go out and look for something else. There are people I want to call and talk to, but it’s so hard for me to reach out at the moment. I haven’t even been calling the boys the way I should.

There is so much stuff I have to do, but I just don’t seem to have the energy. Today was the first day I cooked dinner just for myself and it was awful. When it was ready, I didn’t feel like eating it.

So instead of going out to dinner with Ron tonight, I’m going to spend the night at my sisters. And hope I make it through the day.

I don't plan on saying much about how I'm feeling, I mean let's face it, it would get pretty depressing after a while and for large chunks I'm doing alright. This is place to go for enjoyment. But then some days are harder than others and this is going to be one of the hardest.


Nicole said...

*hugs* some days will be harder than others, but you'll get through. Glad you'll be with family tonight.

Mina Wolf said...

I've always thought that if there was something that really grieved me, I would escape somewhere. Almost like a vacation but a peaceful type. Maybe stay in the mountains and spend time walking around?
As far as it being your anniversary. It still is and it always will be. Happy Anniversary.

Karen Scott said...

Happy anniversary Kristie, sending you big hugs on yours and Ron's special day.

Bookwormom said...

Hugs & prayers & good thoughts coming your way today, Kristie. Happy Anniversary~

Mailyn said...

You are strong and you will get through the day. Somedays will be harder so don't beat yourself up for feeling worse some of the time.


Zeek said...


I'm sorry, I didn't know you lost your husband? How long ago was that?

My mom passed away one day before my parents' 27th anniversary. That was almost 12 years ago.

Dad has never remarried and says he never will. He still misses her.

He was the opposite of you. He cleaned out her stuff and practically removed all evidence of her lving there as soon as he could. He coudldn't stand seeing it.

I remember well those early times after we lost her. (The day after she passed away I went into her bathroom and stood in her closet crying clutching her nightgown because it still smelled of her.) The pain was so fresh.

BUT isn't as intense anymore. And there are days you don't think of them.

Hang in there.

And Happy Anniversary.

Tara Marie said...

It will always be your anniversary, sweetie.

Give yourself plenty of time, grief is a strange thing, it will sit up and smack you in the face when you least expect it.

Hugs and love, Tara

Marg said...

I don't think that we all expect that you will be not upset in every post....Happy Anniversary!

Kristie (J) said...

Zeek: It was August 4th, after losing his battle with cancer. He was 52. They say that it's hard when faced with big days like birthdays and anniversaries. My birthday was August 11 and today is our anniversary. Ryan's birthday is on Friday so we are having to deal with a lot very early. I can see where your dad was coming from. Part of me would like to do that too. But if I do, then there would be nothing left and I'm not even close to being ready to face that yet.

Zeek said...

Aww man. I am so sorry to hear that. (Mom had cancer too.)

It is more difficult around the special days. (Mother's day was a biggie for me the year she died. her birthday as well.)But it does ease.

Everyone deals with it in their own way. There is no wrong way. I had another friend who lost her hubby suddenly and she didn't touch a thing of his for quite some time.

I think some of it is a man/woman thing. Men think (out of sight, out of mind)when dealing with pain. They take comfort that way. We think (how can I keep them close?). It's how we find comfort.

Allow yourself this time to grieve ... anyway you choose.

Devonna said...

It will always be your anniversary, Kristie. Like everyone else has said, grief is unpredictable. Sometimes, you think you're doing okay ~ and then you hear a song on the radio, or a certain smell reminds you of something and the process starts all over again. And like any process, some days will be better than others. Hang in there ~ you've got plenty of people willing to listen if you feel the need to talk.

C2 said...

((((Kristie)))) A good friend of mine says she can especially feel her late husband around her on special days and that he even manages to give her gifts - an really pretty sunrise or sunset or a special song on the radio. I like the idea of that.

Kaitlin said...

This year has been crazy for my family as well. My grandfather passed away & a week later my nephew was born. My mom was so consumed by the baby that she didn't really start to grieve until just recently. It always amazes me how grief affects each & every one of us. I internalize it, but other people can talk about it.

As for "companionship", do you have any pets like a dog or cat? My mom & dad both say that if either one of them passes away that they won't get married again but they will get a dog. My brother & SIL have 2 Lhasa Apsos, which are great. Very intuitive and great for helping with grief. Just a thought.

Hugs on what you're going thru. You've been in my thoughts for a long time now. (((())))

Devon said...

Sending hugs and supportive thoughts your way. Just know that there's plenty of us out here willing to read/listen to whatever you have to say. It's definitely gotta help to have a place to vent and get it all out. It's going to take a long time, but you'll get through.

Lori said...

((((Hugs)))) Kristie. It will always be your anniversary. It has only been a few weeks. You need to let yourself grieve. Rant, rave, cry, remember, laugh, but always remember that you have lots of friends and family waiting to support you when you are ready.

And happy anniversary - I hope you will still celebrate your special love.

Rosie said...

Kristie, you've been incredibly strong this past month.

I read your earlier comments about your birthday and now Ryan's along with the anniversary....whew!!!That's alot all at once.

God bless you...you are in my thoughts and prayers.

CindyS said...

Kristie - Happy Anniversary hon.

We all know it will get better eventually but I think it will get worse for now. That's probably not a great life saver I just threw out to you but don't deny your grief.

Sob your heart out and scream in your pillow. It's all allowed. Even getting angry and yelling. No one has to ever know.

I don't come here to be entertained. I come to visit a friend and anything you want to write or not write is all fine.

I can't relate to the pain you are feeling because it is unfathomable to me. All I have to offer is a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug you and ears and eyes to listen and read.

Hugs, thought and prayers with you always.

Love Cindy

ag said...

((((Kristie))) some days it'll seem really hard, but even through the pain, there'll always be great memories to carry you through.

With you in thoughts and prayers, my friend...

nath said...

Oh Kristie, it is still your anniversary, even if Ron passed away... take it easy and one day after the other... it'll become more bearable soon.

Dylan said...