Today is my anniversary. It would have been 31 years married. I don’t even know if I should still say it is my wedding anniversary since Ron isn’t with me anymore. He was always the one to remember the day. Half the time I don’t know what the date is so it was always a good thing he would remind me and ask where I wanted to go for dinner and if were getting each other gifts. We always said no we weren’t going to get each other anything but he always got me flowers anyway. He always said he hated cards, but he would get me the most romantic ones anyways. Since he had such a hard time telling me he loved me, I think he let the cards say it for him, but he would always add something special to them.

The grief is getting worse. I put on a Jays game the other day and watched about 3 innings before I stared crying and had to turn it off – and they were winning! But we spent so much time watching them that I can’t watch them now.

I spent hours on the weekend doing housework. That set me off because I’ve always been lousy at it and now he’s not here to see what a great job I did. I even washed walls!!

I’ve moved into the other bedroom – after I cleaned it – because I can’t bear to look over and not see him next to me.

The boys have offered to come over and help me go through his things but I can’t even think about doing that yet.

I still have his voice on the answering machine. It’s quite disconcerting for people who call and get it, but I can’t change it because it’s the sound of his voice.

I’ve barely been able to read. I guess that isn’t unusual, but for me it seems like another loss.

I find myself withdrawing. I’m ok when I’m around people; it’s when I’m alone it gets bad. It’s the getting out that is becoming difficult. If I had the job to go back to it would have been better, but now it’s gone too and I don’t know if I have the readiness to go out and look for something else. There are people I want to call and talk to, but it’s so hard for me to reach out at the moment. I haven’t even been calling the boys the way I should.

There is so much stuff I have to do, but I just don’t seem to have the energy. Today was the first day I cooked dinner just for myself and it was awful. When it was ready, I didn’t feel like eating it.

So instead of going out to dinner with Ron tonight, I’m going to spend the night at my sisters. And hope I make it through the day.

I don't plan on saying much about how I'm feeling, I mean let's face it, it would get pretty depressing after a while and for large chunks I'm doing alright. This is place to go for enjoyment. But then some days are harder than others and this is going to be one of the hardest.