I made it through the funeral. Right up until we got there I wasn't sure what other song I was going to choose. Like I said, the words in Follow the Sun are very good but it's a very upbeat temp. Not that that's a bad thing, but I didn't want them dancing up the aisle or bopping their heads along with the music *g*. I was tempted to use I've Just Seen a Face but that one is too personal. I finally - about 3 blocks from the funeral home, went with The Long and Winding Road for going in and In My Life for going out.

This is what we put in the memorium cards. I'm sure most everyone has read it at one time or another.

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.

I was so proud of my boys!!!!!! Both stood up in front of everyone and gave very moving tributes to their dad. It was the first time I had seen Ryan cry since Ron died.

I've been pretty numb up until tonight. The person in the casket wasn't Ron, well, it was, but it wasn't. I don't know the protocol of these things but I had them put his wedding ring on because I know he loved me so much I couldn't not leave it with him. I also left another ring I bought him many, many years ago. When I bought it, we didn't have much money so I didn't spend that much for it. It was all bent out of shape and must have made his finger uncomfortable to wear it, but he always did unless he was working. Not too long before he died, it had fallen off his finger during the night because he had lost so much weight and he was panicked that he couldn't find it. I found it in the covers the next morning and he was so relieved. Brent, our oldest, put his ticket stubb from the Blue Jays game that we went to in June in Ron's suit pocket.

I said that Ron didn't come from a home filled with love the way I did. He has a brother who is six years older than him. They have had very little contact over the years even though they live close. I think that his brother did something very damaging to Ron when they were young but Ron would never tell me what it was. Ron's father passed away last June and at the time his brother came up to him and said that they must become closer as brothers; that the separation had lasted far to long. When Ron was first diagnosed in September, his mother called his oldest brother to tell him. His brother never called. Finally in December Ron reached out, despite whatever his brother did when they were young and called him. In all the time Ron was sick and getting sicker and could have used his big brother, his brother called him a total of 3 times. Three! Therefore when we put the notice in the paper the boys and I all agreed not to mention Ron's brother. He was no brother to Ron. His brother and his wife came to the visitation last night and then to the funeral today and to the reception after. His brother said not one word to me the entire time. Not one. His wife finally came up to me today just before the service and with phony crocodile tears said she was sorry she never called, she wanted to but she was to upset to call. And she was glad that the brothers had made up. Her husband was so happy that he had talked to Ron and she knew Ron was happy too. Bitch!! I am normally a very forgiving person, but I will go to my grave without ever forgiving them. I refrained from saying anything to her to avoid upsetting or hurting Ron's mom who lost her son, but they are dead to me. They are the only people I have ever thought that of. But after tonight I will never even think of them again. To do so is too destructive and I won't let them have that power over me.

But again, I'm afraid to go to bed. The pain I've been mostly holding off, is like a living thing, just waiting to grab me the minute I relax.

I think tomorrow will be another busy day. We have to go to the lawyers and the bank and all that other stuff that comes next. The funeral cost over $15,000. I had no idea it would be that much, but there is a life insurance policy that will pay for it. Ron has left me very well provided for, I think he started saving for his retirement when he was 18. I would ask if he wanted to take a trip somewhere especially in the last few years and he would always say that we would when he retired. He was due to retire in three years. I don't have to return to work if I don't want to, but I've always enjoyed working so I'm planning on returning in a couple of weeks.

The minister did a wonderful job. We had never met him - not being church going people, but he came over on Sunday to talk to us. I know he didn't know Ron, but I wanted him to get a sense of what he was like from us. And he did. When he mentioned what a huge Leaf fan Ron was, I heard chuckles in the background from quite a few people - both the Leaf lovers and the Leaf haters. He gave a very touching service and even used Ron as an example of how to live your life.

I plan on continuing our life together. It's been wonderful for me going over the past. I've been falling in love with him all over again. We had some very tough times, but because we both loved each other so very much, we worked through them and in the last few years were closer than ever.

to be continued