I started to cry at the dentist today. The hygienist was new and ‘enthusiastic’ in her work. She got in there and dug deep. She got ¾ of the way done, when I started to cry. It wasn’t that it really hurt that much or that I was dreading the required lecture on flossing – why do they all insist on doing that? I was talking to some other people at work and it seems to be the same everywhere. Even Ron gets lectured about flossing and he is good at it. Does it twice a day without failure.
No, what got me crying was really something else.
Ron isn’t doing well and it’s killing me inside. They aren’t treating him at the cancer clinic anymore. They have done everything they can do. Now he is being looked after by the pain management team. He is on heavy duty pain medication; two different kinds, one that has long lasting effects and another one for what they call break-through pain. But he is reluctant to take the break-through medication so he ends up being in a lot of pain. This in turn frustrates me to see him suffering needlessly. Then I get angry with him and then feel guilty for getting angry. He has always been reluctant to take any kind of medication for anything. Before, when he had a headache or something it would take me nagging him before he would finally take aspirin or something else. Now, when it’s so important for him to take something before the pain really grabs hold of him, he’s the same way. I’ve told the nurse in our consultations, about this issue and she also encourages him not to wait, to take the medication at the first sign of pain, but it’s just not getting through to him. Another reason he is reluctant is the pain medication has some side effects that he is dealing with. I don’t blame his for being reluctant – they are pretty nasty, but I’m not sure if he knows what it’s doing to me seeing him in pain, especially when he could do something about it.
I’m an early riser. I get up at 5:30 am. The time I have before I leave for work is the only time I have to myself anymore. It’s the only time he isn’t around and I don’t have to be with him and his pain. It’s the time of the day I gather myself together. This morning he was up extra early. He was up because of the pain. I told him to take something but as usual, he said he was going to wait a bit. I was at my wit’s end. He was infringing on my free time by getting up so early. He wouldn’t take anything and I could see he was hurting. And I felt guilty that I got angry with him for not taking anything and I felt guilty because I just wanted him to go back to bed so I didn’t have to deal with him. I feel bad that I can’t sit with him in the room for an entire evening. I have to get away from him at times. And I feel bad that I do. I don’t know how long this will go on. He hasn’t wanted to ask and I accept his decision. But this is hard on me.
So when I went to the dentist this morning I started to cry.