Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I started to cry at the dentist today. The hygienist was new and ‘enthusiastic’ in her work. She got in there and dug deep. She got ¾ of the way done, when I started to cry. It wasn’t that it really hurt that much or that I was dreading the required lecture on flossing – why do they all insist on doing that? I was talking to some other people at work and it seems to be the same everywhere. Even Ron gets lectured about flossing and he is good at it. Does it twice a day without failure.
No, what got me crying was really something else.
Ron isn’t doing well and it’s killing me inside. They aren’t treating him at the cancer clinic anymore. They have done everything they can do. Now he is being looked after by the pain management team. He is on heavy duty pain medication; two different kinds, one that has long lasting effects and another one for what they call break-through pain. But he is reluctant to take the break-through medication so he ends up being in a lot of pain. This in turn frustrates me to see him suffering needlessly. Then I get angry with him and then feel guilty for getting angry. He has always been reluctant to take any kind of medication for anything. Before, when he had a headache or something it would take me nagging him before he would finally take aspirin or something else. Now, when it’s so important for him to take something before the pain really grabs hold of him, he’s the same way. I’ve told the nurse in our consultations, about this issue and she also encourages him not to wait, to take the medication at the first sign of pain, but it’s just not getting through to him. Another reason he is reluctant is the pain medication has some side effects that he is dealing with. I don’t blame his for being reluctant – they are pretty nasty, but I’m not sure if he knows what it’s doing to me seeing him in pain, especially when he could do something about it.
I’m an early riser. I get up at 5:30 am. The time I have before I leave for work is the only time I have to myself anymore. It’s the only time he isn’t around and I don’t have to be with him and his pain. It’s the time of the day I gather myself together. This morning he was up extra early. He was up because of the pain. I told him to take something but as usual, he said he was going to wait a bit. I was at my wit’s end. He was infringing on my free time by getting up so early. He wouldn’t take anything and I could see he was hurting. And I felt guilty that I got angry with him for not taking anything and I felt guilty because I just wanted him to go back to bed so I didn’t have to deal with him. I feel bad that I can’t sit with him in the room for an entire evening. I have to get away from him at times. And I feel bad that I do. I don’t know how long this will go on. He hasn’t wanted to ask and I accept his decision. But this is hard on me.
So when I went to the dentist this morning I started to cry.


Bev (BB) said...

Kristie, please DO NOT beat yourself up for having real human emotions and needing time to yourself to prepare to face your day. We all deal with things in different ways but we're all still the same in that we're just human. Sometimes it does get to us and the situation you're going through is the worst of all.

So, hang in there and give yourself a break. {{{Hugs}}}

Mailyn said...

hey it's ok to feel bad and cry and be emotional. don't be so hard on yourself about it. I'm really sorry about what you are going through.


Alyssa said...

Oh, I'm so sorry things are rough right now. It's okay to cry at the dentist's office. It's okay to be angry and upset. It's okay to need time to yourself.

I don't have any answers, but I'm sending good thoughts your way.

Anonymous said...

Ohhhhhhh Kristie (((Huge hug))).

I'm really sorry about what you're going through. Sometimes you need the release, because leaving it all inside causes more harm.

I'm guessing that Ron feels scared too, and he probably doesn't want to do anything that's going to mess with his dignity. Either way, my heart truly goes out to the both of you hun.

Avid Reader said...

Your human Kristie. I think it's a good thing to cry and you need your space. That is completely understandable so beat yourself up. I just hope you all are getting the support you need from your family when you need it because you can't do it alone.

I loathe going to the dentist office and getting the "lecture". I'm due for my annual, got the postcard in the mail. What fun.

{{{{{Hugs to you}}}}}

Avid Reader said...

That sentence should read "don't beat yourself up over what your going through." I need to double check my posts before hitting send button.

Kristie (J) said...

It was almost funny in a bizarre kind of way. I could tell she was brand spanking new at the job. First there was the "vigor" at which she went to it, and then there was the fact that she didn't align herself quite right and the side of my face was mushed into her perky young chest. It didn't do a thing for me, but if I was a guy - who's to say I ever would have wanted to get out of that chair. So when I started to cry I'm sure she was as horrified as I was. I kept saying it's not you, it's me (as the old Seinfeld line went running through my head). She asked me if I wanted some water. I didn't but I took some anyway just so she would feel better. I could tell she was still rattled because when I finally stopped crying and she resumed cleansing, when it got to the polishing part, she plopped the polishing stuff all over my chin. I kept feeling these cold plops on my face. And it did get me out of the flossing lecture. She must have said something to the dentist because when he checked my teeth over after, not even he gave me the flossing lecture and his is usually worse then the hygenists.

Marg said...

It is much better to let some of those emotions out.

I feel for you and Ron at this time.


Megan Frampton said...

You might feel bad about it, but your mind did not allow you to cry in front of Ron--you are holding it all in, and cried when it was okay to do so, with a stranger who didn't know.
Ron needs to gauge his pain meds better, for sure, and you need to let yourself get pissed at him for not gauging. It's okay to be angry! Otherwise you end up holding it all in inside all the time, which just isn't good for you.

Love from Brooklyn,


sybil said...

hugs to you... you are doing the best you can and seem to be doing well... hell you are doing much better than I would in your shoes.

Will email tonight {{{{{{{{{k}}}}}}}}}}

Nikki said...


Kristie, give yourself a break you are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances.

You and Ron are in my thoughts everyday.

~ames~ said...


You and Ron are in my thoughts, Kristie.

CindyS said...


I hope you had a real good cry. You should have asked the girl for 15 minutes and a pillow to muffle the sobs.

I wonder if part of Ron's fear is that if he takes more and more pain medication that he won't remember everything and he wants to remember his time with you and your family.

I think of you and Ron often and I think anger is a healthy response to everything.


Nicole said...

Oh *hugs* And as others have said, you're only human.

I just can't imagine going through what you are and you've been incredibly strong throughout.

Bob & Muffintop said...

Aaaahhhh...(((Krisite & Ron)))

My husband has worked Hospice care for several years now. My heart goes out to all of you.

Perhaps his pain meds could be tweaked to lessen the side effects?

Don't berate yourself for needing space & time, don't hold yourself to impossible standards. Love Ron & be there as best you can. It's all anyone can do. No one is perfect.

ReneeW said...

Oh, Kristie. My heart goes out to you. Everyone has given you good advise. You had been holding in too much and it all needed to come out, but of course when you least expect it. It probably won't be the last time either so no use being embarrassed. I sincerely hope you have someone you can talk to and be able to cry when you need to. Like everyone said, you are only human and you can only put up a strong face for so long. The stress is getting to you so I hope you can take some time for yourself. I wish I could give you this {{{{hug}}}} in person.

Tara Marie said...

Prayers, thoughts and {{{HUGS}}} are with you everyday. It shows incredible strength not to cry in front of Ron, don't worry about breaking down even at the dentist.

I'll have a cry with you.

Anonymous said...

Kristie, I'm so sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom or advice that's better than all of the stuff that has been posted. I'm sending a mental hug, and wishing for something helpful to do or say, but it isn't coming.

Kristie (J) said...

Thanks so much for all your support. There isn't really much to say or do about the situation but having this blog for those times it gets overwhelming and having so many friends is of such tremendous comfort that I can't fully express it!!!

Holly said...

Oh, Sweetie! ((((((HUGS)))))))

Like everyone else, I agree that you're only human and have every right to be angry and upset. While he's the one in pain, you're the one who has to watch him suffer and that isn't easy.

I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers!

Anonymous said...

(((HUGS))) Kristie. Its completely okay to have these feelings and to cry.

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