Tuesday, June 03, 2008

If We Made The Movies

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If I were the Writer, Director, Producer, Make-up Artist, Set Designer, Music Person etc.

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I can't believe I just did this

Some readers may be totally shocked at this post by a 50-something, widowed blogger, I know I sure am, but I thought either I’ll get no response because everyone is so shocked, or a whole bunch. It will be interesting to see which.

There is a bunch of us reader bloggers who have been emailing each other over the past couple of days. As we are all readers who like some our romance on the wild and spicy side, before too long, the subject of P0rn M0vies came up – I think by me – yep I do have a wild side.

I’ve watched them before – not on a regular basis – but certainly on occasion late at night when I can sleep in the next day. While they can be a turn on – more often than not, I find them frustrating.

Maybe it’s because there is no ‘romance’ in them. Call me old fashioned but unless there are deep feelings between the couple, it’s just clinical and well – boring. There was one I watched one time that had an actual story to it. The ‘heroine’ – and I’m not really sure I should use that term – but I can’t think of another one – was a writer. She wrote bawdy historical romance and the movie would flash to what she was writing. The story was about a happily married couple – very happily married if you get my drift. The husband however went off to war – or something like that – it was a while ago that I saw it. The wife thought he was dead but it turned out he wasn’t. It was quite the reunion let me tell you.

But if I were the writers, I’d give a storyline something like that to the movie, something romantic, not just mindless, no point boffing.

If I made the movie, I would FORCE the actresses to remove 90% of the gunk they wear on their faces. I know this sounds grandmotherly of me, though I don’t have any grandchildren, or at least I’d make it so they don’t look so Very Slutty and Terribly, Terribly Skanky. The thick eyeliner simply has to go! I’d like to see them more natural looking.

What is it with the wearing of the shoes? They all seem to keep these spiky high heels on the whole time, during the entire scenes. What would be wrong with they guy taking them off ? It would have to be in a sexy kind of way though.

If I made the movie, I’d have the camera pulled back further and take longer shots. I don’t know about anyone else, but the Very Close close-ups are just way eewwwhhh. Also, I have more face shots instead of just lower body shots. I’d like to see their expressions, their bliss.

I would also have NO STARING at the camera. None at all. That is just stupid and pointless really.

This may sound awful, but if I made the movies, I would only have attractive people star in them. I saw one once that had a really old skinny guy. I had to wash the eyeballs out with bleach after that let me tell you. Of course I turned it off as soon as I clued in what was going to happen – but still *shudder*. And of course they would have to be able to ACT. In my director role, acting would be my number one priority.

And as Lighting Director, I would have the lighting much dimmer. The ones I’ve seen are way to bright. Lower would be ever so much better. I think I’d use a filter too. Not that I know anything about lighting or filtering, but I think it would be better.

As Sound Director, I would have Much Better music than is often used. And I would turn down the music volume so we could hear the gasps of delight much better.

Again in Director mode, I would have a lot more kissing. Kissing is good. And because I’m also the Writer, there would be a real connection between the two.

And if there were more than two people involved, I would have more M/M/F. Seems there is a lot of F/F/M – but let’s face it – these ones would be for women.

I would have a beginning, not just start right into things if you get my drift, a middle and an end. There would be a Point to the movie, a tale to tell as it were.

I don’t know if I’ll have the nerve to actually hit Publish Post on this particular post. I emailed Kate about what I was thinking of doing a post on and asked if she wanted to contribute. She thought it a very fun idea. So this is my half. I will leave it in draft and see is she hits that Publish Post. If she does – should prove very interesting I think.


Katie(babs) thoughts:

Since I was the one who actually started the massive email train, I guess I should add my $.02 cents to this risque topic. And why not? It fits in with my recent post about my friend who thinks romances are only read so the reader can get their rocks off.

The first time I saw those naughty movies was when I was nineteen and joined a sorority. At my college, we didn't have individual sorority or fraternity houses, but instead, we lived on individual floors in our dorms. One side of the floor was my sorority and the other side of the floor was a fraternity. And that is were I received my education in p0rn.

Up to this point, my sexual education outside of school and listening to friends talk about their boyfriends were in the romances I read. The sex scenes in those books were filled with fireworks and the first time in the sack blew both the hero and heroine's minds. I didn't even really know about certain other sexual acts that now seems like second nature in the year 2008 and really thought the missionary position was the only way to go. Back door loving? Using a mouth in other ways besides kissing a mouth? Shocking!

Then one night a few boys came over and started movie night And my sexual education grew to leaps and bounds! I saw all the classics from Deep Throat, to Debbie Does Dallas and some movies where I wanted to bleach my eyes out after watching. Beware the amateur porn where a hot tub is used! Some scenes I watched did make me tingly, but overall I was bored by the whole process. I wanted romance damn it and in these movies it was just the act that mattered. Perhaps it was the constant looping and bad audio that turned me off also.

But, there is one such movie that is so well known, more as soft porn, that will make anyone sigh because the plot, characters and the sex are too good for words. I am talking about the 1986 cult classic, Nine 1/2 Weeks. This is the ultimate erotic masterpiece. Nine 1/2 Weeks is an erotic romance novel come to life and made me hotter than any other hardcore p0rn I had watched. This movie had something to it that hardcore p0rn movies are missing.

Just like the romance books I devour, I want a story that I can sink my teeth into and great chemistry between the hero and heroine. I am not going to lie, but I also want a sex scene that I could possible "get my jollies off" and even more so. It all comes down to the story and an equal balance. I am sorry to say p0rn does not have that equal balance. I think this industry is still geared towards men and they believe women are just along for the ride, so to speak, whenever their partner wants to watch some to get in the mood. If only they made more movies geared toward a female audience, much like the romance novels we read.

My final thoughts on p0rn? Meh, give me a good old romance novel any day. *G*

(and it was me - KristieJ that hit Publish Post - yep, I did it)


Shannon said...

haha! Balls, girls. You've got balls! Great post. I say "amen" to it all.

Oh, you have to hire a costume designer that creates gloriously beautiful dresses and outfits. Production value must be sky high!

MaryKate said...

OK, I'll admit it, I've watched p0rn. Not a ton of it, but yeah, I can find it titillating. Most of it though is crap. And I think that's because it is geared towards guys, because I think that somewhere out there and some point, someone let out the lie that guys are more visually arousable (is that even a word?!) than women. Which is crap, IMO.

I seem to recall reading a book, and I want to say it was an SEP, and it might have been Match Me If You Can, where a bunch of women get together and they watch p0rn for women. Where exactly does one get something like that? I looked at the Smitten Kitten, an...ehem...toy shop geared toward women, where some people get their toys from. You know...allegedly. :wink: They seem to have some movies, but I'd really be interested in watching something that is geared to women, but has some raunch to it.

Is that even possible???

Huh, now I'm thinking that I might have overshared.

Kristie (J) said...

LOL - Katie gives me courage.

And yes - a costume designer would also be helpful! They tend to be pretty bad don't they?

Katie(babs) said...

And why do all the male porn stars have hairy asses??? Bleck.

Kristie (J) said...

MK: I think done right, there could be a real market for it for women. I used to watch Red Shoes Diary and while not there yet - it was better than the stuff out there now.
As it is now - I think if a bunch of women - with the right attitude of course - were to watch the majority of it - t'would be mostly funny.

Nikki said...

We have had several discussions about the shoe issue. I have even commented that I would love a pair of red 5 inch spikey heels of my own. The problem is that I am afraid that I would poke someone's eye. And it might be the cat's, as he lazily and disinterestedly oversees us from the foot of the bed.

Tracy said...

You guys are awesome! Never a dull moment at ROR!

Ok - I think I've watched 1 full movie about 20 years ago and then a snippet of one about a year ago so I'm no expert but...long shots, a must. Good looking...absolutely. Nothing like a chick with a great body and a face that would stop a freight train (and not in a good way). Ugly men with long dicks. At least in the erotic books I've read you've had a story and at least some level of "tingly" attraction. Not so in the ones I saw. It was more...oh look someone of the opposite sex, let's boogie. Ug.

I'm all for p0rn for women if it exists. Guys would probably love it too!

little alys said...
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little alys said...

I don't know much about p0rn, the ones I found on the internet are mostly bleh (yes, I agree with Avenue Q as katiebabs quoted).

From what I heard on the web, candida royalle produces good stuff. Nerve.com has a mini video about it (http://www.nerve.com/video/Video.aspx?VideoItemId=157).

Donno, I have my books. They're usually better ;)

Carolyn Jean said...

Great post! I love all these suggestions, and I really think some enterprising female film maker should get on this. And just to offer my two cents, the guys have to have better lines. WAY better lines. Because, you know, "you like it like this you skanky whore?" and "not yet!" are really not the height of romance.

I mean, I'm down with the BDB brothers and their whole "Come for me" sort of talk, but those kinds of lines are interspersed with more tender and loving lines. Are there any porn movies out there where the guy is freaking out about how beautiful the woman is down there? Or how much he loves her? I'd like to see that.

But most of all, I would love to see a porn movie where the guy wears a kilt, and he says stuff like, "I canna be gentle with ye, lassie."

Ana said...

LOL CJ! "I canna be gentle with ye, lassie."? Genius.

You guys rock.

I wouldn't mind being casting agent. Kristie, can I sign up?

Never watched 9 1/2 Weeks. Would you believe that?

Kristie (J) said...

Nikki:The shoes! While yes - they would be a fantasy, specially if they are the kind Carrie wears yes!! But gorgeous shoes on the feet of some of the actresses is just odd. And they always seem to wear them. While toe sucking would be very odd to see - a nice erotic foot rub might be nice.

Tracy: LOL - and if they didn't love the movie itself - they might love what might happen AFTER the movie *wink*

Alys: Yes, books are so much better aren't they. But wouldn't it be nice, if only once, to see one of our more loved, very hawt books, acted out?

CJ: Oh that last line of yours - the thought of hearing it - ooh what a melting kind of moment that might be!

Kristie (J) said...

Ana: I can believe you've never seen it - 'cause I haven't either!! I've been tempted to rent it a couple of times but haven't quite gotten there. And I don't think I've ever seen it on the telly either. It would be nice to be the casting director wouldn't it?

CindyS said...

Everything you said.

I had satellite there about 5 years ago and got myself an education real fast! And yeah, it is so geared towards men that for most of the shots I'm waiting for them to pull out so I can see a great looking man. And then I see the ugly guy who for some reason has been cast (I'm thinking it's because men want to see themselves in the shot) and flip the channel.

I've seen the porn that I *think* is supposed to be more geared towards women - like Red Shoes and Miss Chatterly (something like that) and it's mostly boob shots again without much of the man in them.

That's when I knew I was on the 'so straight' side of the straight/gay scale. I can look at a women and think she's gorgeous (Angelina Jolie) but other than that, nothing.

So in order to see great looking men, anyone here watch Queer As Folk? Hot guys falling in and out of love. Sure it would be nice to see a great hetero show like this but since I can't, I'll watch the hot men on this show. (Actually, I haven't seen this show in years. I wonder if it's still playing in re-runs)


Katie(babs) said...

9 1/2 Weeks will have you squirming by the end where you will need to find some relief whether it be human or rabbit. Mickey Roarke back in the day was drop dead gorgeous!!

Carrie Lofty said...

LOVED Queer as Folk.

I think that for how much porn stars are known for their fake boobs, the men in the movies pay remarkably little attention to them. It's visual only. Like they know that if they handle the plasticwear, it'll ruin the illusion. Just icky. There's no movement when they move, if you get my meaning. So it puts me off entirely. I'm watching it like some curiosity show.

Shannon said...

I have heard from some of my friends that Canadian p0rn is much better that what is shown here in America. Something about an all p0rn TV channel and lots of women p0rn. I have yet to experience this, but it would not surprise me since Canada is the home of Sue Jo, the sex grandma.

And, ehem, let's just say that on the rare occasion, sex with your heels still on... hawt. I mean, when you are so involved that you comepletely forget about the footwear? um, yeah. :)

Shannon said...

not the I would have firsthand knowledge about that or anything....

azteclady said...

kiristie(j), I can tell you this for starters: if you ever get a chance to make this movie, I would so watch it!

katie(babs), can you believe I haven't watched Nine 1/2 Weeks ever? I get the impression I really should rectify that oversight asap :wink:

You guys rock really really hard--great topic!

Kristie (J) said...

Carrie: I know what you mean. There is no attention paid to the women - well except for a token gesture to maybe a couple of places, but other then that not much. Whereas the attention to the males goes on and on and on and on and on and on until one thinks enough already!!! Then when they get to the most basic -it goes on and on and on and on and on and on until I think good grief, give the poor girl a rest - or at least some variation - or tender feelings or - something!!

Katie: I'm really going to have to watch 91/2 Weeks I think. Mickey Roarke now = scary, but I'll take your word that he was once not to bad at all.

lisabea said...

The last pron movie I saw was in Scotland (at a hotel with G.) it was called "back seat driver" and I thought it was about 2 folks sort of getting their grove on in a car.


we, uh, didn't watch it. Paid like 10 bucks, though. PFFFT.

Love this post.

Katie(babs) said...

Everyone's homework is to go watch 9 1/2 Weeks and write a review to post on their blog.

Rowena said...

LOL, you naughty wenches you!!! I can't seem to think of anything else to add but great post and I agree agree agree!

Sarai said...

WOW I have to agree when I watch a lot of the cheap porn I roll my eyes. They could take a lot I MEAN A LOT of advice from the novels we read.
I tend to go more for soft porn simple due to story and story lines while hard core porn is just sex (men I think prefer this) *shrug*
Nice that someone is finally talking about it *G*

azteclady said...

kristie(j), katie(babs), daaaahlings... :evil grin: I just wanted to let you know that my S.O. asked me to tell you that, as far as he's concerned, you are right.

Women should be in charge of these things.


Kristie (J) said...

AL: LOL that must have been an interesting conversation *chuckle* but nice to know it's not just women who think that!

Sarai: A lot of it is just ugly really isn't it? They are SO missing the boat - at least from what I've seen - which isn't all that much - but still.
And *laughing* while writing this post was kind of fun - posting it was a bit nerve wracking.

Rowena: We can be naughty wenches can't we *g*. Interesting topic though isn't it? - if women were in charge.

Katie: I shall do my best to do your homework assignment *evil grin*

Lisabea: *wince* the mind doesn't want to go where the title of that movie wants to take it!

AL: *laughing* it won't be me making it - but I'd love to see what they would come up with if women were in charge of everything. I think it would have great potential to be really different then what's out there.

Shannon: I did not know there was a difference! LOL I didn't know Canada HAD A p0rn industry. If the stuff I've seen is Canadian made and supposed to be better - well that is a scary thought.

Cindy: Like I said, I have seen Red Shoe Diaries - but again, I didn't think women had enough input - if you know what I mean. B00B shots just don't do it do they *g*

Kristie (J) said...
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Katie(babs) said...

AL: Your S.O. is a very smart man.JUst imagine if I was a porn director? Oh boy. *snicker snicker*

azteclady said...

Kidding aside (well, sorta, 'cause keeping a straight face when talking about making pr0n is rather difficult)

Where was I?

Oh yes, kidding aside...

I've heard--from other people, of course, 'cause I'm an innocent lil thang--that men complain that their significant others rarely want to watch pr0n with them. And I keep thinking, if those movies paid any attention to the needs of women--like the ones you'd make, kristie(j)--then women would be muy less adverse to watching them.

But as it is, most of the women in the pr0n currently available are there to be used, period--what woman watching can enjoy herself when watching THAT?

(Well, okay, I'm sure that there's are some women whose fantasy is to be used but c'mon--a token O now and again for her would definitely not be amiss either)

Erm... not that I've thought about this much, one way or the other...

(and it was an interesting conversation, thank you :innocence:)

Aymless said...

Have seem some p0rn. Have to agree with general opinions here. All U Can Eat by Emma Holly would make good p0rn for all. Hot guys (for the gals) and everyone sleeping with everyone else (for the guys).

I really need to go see Avenue Q (its on the to see list, its just never in town when I have time/$$). Any see Team America? It had some really funny/great puppet sex. My friend walked out of the movie looking puzzled, I asked what was wrong, she twisted head in confusion and said "Didn't know you could do IT in so many different ways". LOL

Mina Wolf said...

You know, there was always something about porn that bugged me but I could never quite put my finger on it. You described it perfectly! It's the lack and the contrivedness of it that bugs me. Give me a quality movie that has lots of sex any day!