I think I've mentioned before that I have this 'thing' about opening mail - unless it's cards, boxes or something like that. Well - it's getting worse! I have a pile of it I tried to tackle this morning and I could feel the panic start to set in and the sweat begin on the back of my neck and I had to stop. I don't understand why I have it or what I'm going to do about it.
I've never liked opening mail - but now I have to. But there is this huge block!!! And it's a very difficult phobia to try and explain to anyone. They are going to say "just open it." Hell - I'm telling myself to "just open it!" But I can't seem too. And it's much more serious than not wanting to change lightbulbs - I can do that, or not wanting to blow up balloons. The balloon thing is easy to avoid. But there are BILLS in that pile. I don't have a problem paying them - just opening them.
This is crazy! This is nuts! What kind of crazy assed phobia is this? I get snakes or spiders. I'm not afraid of them but I do understand people who are. The same as flying. Lots of people have that one. I also have a fear of falling but I know I'm not alone on that one. But opeing mail???
Do I break down and tell Ryan that I can't open mail and could he come and do it for me? I could handle things if I do them that way. I checked the mailbox the other day and there was about 8 pieces of mail. I just about freaked. Seriously!!
Why would a (relatively) normal person experience this kind of thing?? Am I the only one? Is there a self-help group I could attend? I just know I have to do something - but I'm at a bit of a loss as to what that might be.
I've been thinking about this all day now - ever since I posted and then after reading the comments. I think this has been an unrecognized issue with me for a long time now. How does one confess a fear of opening mail? I think it's the real reason I haven't done my taxes in three years - I couldn't bring myself to open many of the T-4 type tax forms you get. I'd get them from the bank or my job or wherever and then not open them. I told myself it was because I didn't want to have to 'do taxes' at the end of the year - but that doesn't explain it really since I know I would be getting money back - last year I think quite a bit since I put a huge chunk into RRSP's. I mean cripes - I'm risking going to jail over this. Can you imagine me being thrown in the pen with women who have been arrested for prostitution or drug dealing and having one of them asking me "what are you in for" and having to "say not opening mail"???? It would be humiliating! I never open tax receipts for charitable donations I've made over the years. And that also might explain why I haven't opened home/auto insurance policies that have come in the mail for quite some time. I think it was even a factor in why I bombed so badly in my previous job. There were other factors too of course, but opening mail on an ongoing basis was part of it. But now that Ron isn't here - it's really come to a head. And I think it has been magnified even more by grief. And I think Ron - while not understanding completely- had an idea that there was something not quite right. That's why he asked Ryan to help out with this kind of thing before he died. He would get home from work and always check the mail. Now I have to do it myself and in the past couple of days, even that has become harder to do - not only not opening it - but even checking to see if we have any!
I'm not ready yet to admit this 'thing' to Ryan yet. But I did just call Lisa to see if she could help me. She's going to come over on Saturday and we will go through it together. I think I rather startled her though. She said to put it into one pile and we would go through it on Saturday. I asked if I should include just recent mail or also mail I've gotten going back over the past 3 years that I haven't opened. I have bags of it. Being the pack rat I am, I haven't thrown any of it out.
I have a feeling this Saturday will be much harder than spending the day building bookcases.