Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I started the creative writing course I signed up for on Monday night. I'm not sure it's such a good idea. One of the exercises we have to do is sit in front of a computer or a notebook and free write for five minutes then slowly increase it to half an hour. We're supposed to write whatever thoughts come into our head. I've been doing this for the past couple of nights and it's been very painful. When I write in my blog, I control what I'm writing but when I do this free writing it's all thoughts of Ron and how much I miss him, how my heart is breaking and how much my life has been changed.
For the most part, I seem to be doing OK. But I don't know if I really am or not. When I slow down and just sit, I feel the void so deeply. And I hurt so much.
One of my 'quirks' if you will, is opening mail. For some reason I just don't like opening it. Cards are OK - I can tell what they are by the size of the envelope. And boxes are always fun to open. But bills and anything official, I'd just as soon not open. You wouldn't believe the stack of mail I haven't bothered opening. In my more rational moments, it's rather frightening. Ron knew this about me and asked Ryan to kind of take over a lot of those things. But I can't really tell my 26 year old son that I have this "thing" about not wanting to open mail so now I have to do it myself.
One of the things Ron did was take care of all the bills - because I wouldn't open them. I got a bill in the mail today and when I opened it, it was the fourth overdue notice on something I had no idea what it was. Ron went over a lot of the bills with me and showed me how he paid them on-line, but this was one I had never seen before and I had no idea what it was. Thankfully there was a phone number on it, so I called to see who they were and what the bill was for and to explain why it hadn't been paid. It turned out that it was the company that we rent the hot water heater from and the bill had been outstanding since June. Luckily it wasn't for very much at all and the woman on the phone was very understanding when I explained things to her. She even helped me set it up to pay online. See - I had to do that all over again because Ron and I dealt with different banks.
There was another piece of mail that was addressed to Ron that came a couple of days ago. I finally opened it today. When I did, I just kind of shook my head. It was from the bank that he dealt with for years - that I've been dealing with since he died - and they know that, informing him that he qualified for a Visa Platinum Gold card. Yea, I thought it was kind of funny in a bizare, dark humour kind of way. I think Ron would have been amused too.
But between that and the memories that are coming out with the writing, it's bringing home again what losing Ron really means.
So once again it's staying up late at night because I can't get to sleep.
I don't know if I can keep up with the writing course or not. I guess I'll just have to see.


Rosie said...

I know it's a cliche and you've probably heard it a million times already...but everything in its own time. There's no grades for grief, no right way or wrong way to experience it. It is what it is. There's no time line. It is different for each person.

It's been 2 years since my Mom and brother died. They left behind my Dad and eight siblings and our spouses and kids. We are all experiencing our grief in different ways. No two people are the same. So, give yourself a're awesome! You're keeping busy and are out doing things. That's just amazing and courageous.

Mina Wolf said...

First of all, I think it's great that you wanted to take a writing class.

But you need to do what's okay with you. If you're not ready for the type of insight a writing class might make you have right now, let it go. Lose yourself in the world of fiction instead. I know it's my way to escape.

Zeek said...

Kudos on the writing class. I'm jealous about it, I need to do that too!

(((hugs))) For everything else you're going through!

Zeek said...

Oh Mina, about the losing yourself in fiction, I totally did that for an entire year after my Mom died. My brother called me the hermit, because I'd come home after work and go right to my room to read away the night ...

ames said...

Maybe this creative class will turn out to be a good thing. You're letting stuff out and I think that's very important, because bottling your emotions can backfire in a big way (and this I do have personal experience with).

I do the same thing with bills. And usually my email. It takes me forever to respond. But I do eventually.

ReneeW said...

I'll echo Ames here. It could be a very good thing for you. Years ago my sister's baby son died in a freak home accident and she went to a family therapist to deal with the pain. The therapist suggested writing a letter to her baby son. My sister said that writing down all those things she never got to say to him was the most theraputic thing she did and it really helped her.

Let those thoughts flow and write them down. Do what you can with the class and don't sweat the rest. Grieving takes time.

I do the same thing with our bills but it's because I'm a major procrastinator.

ReneeW said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nikki said...

I think you should do what feels right. If the writing class is really hard right now, you can take it again another time.

If it is making it hard for you to sleep that is not good. You need sleep to keep up your strength.

Those are my two cents.

Take care of yourself, Kristie.

Bookwormom said...

My quirks are bills & answering the phone. Both are Husband's job.

My heart goes out to you Kristie. Keep free writing- a page (or 5 minutes or whatever) for you & Ron & another page or 5 minutes or whatever for the class.

Hugs & love & best wishes~

CindyS said...

You must be thinking of Ron almost every minute of the day as it is. If writing is causing it to become even more painful than what you are experiencing then it might be too early. I would say that if you were finding it emotional draining and thus exhausting you then I would say stay the course.
Whereas continuing to poke at an open wound may be damaging.

As for bills, I open ours on the 15th and the last day of the month. Bob used to open the mail every day but I prefer just letting it stack until pay day. Then I open it all, throw out the trash, pay the bills on-line and then file (okay, the filing is optional ;))


Dylan said...


Hugs sweetie! I'm thinking of taking a creative writing class too, good on you for taking it...good luck with it! ;)