I found this bereavement web site a while ago for people who have lost someone close to them, a friend, a pet, a family member or a spouse. There is a message board there too and I've posted a couple of times. I saw this mentioned - a crash and burn state. That's what I've experienced a few times over the holidays. Christmas was pretty good - I went to my sisters for a few days. And New Years was OK too. I went back to my sisters and somehow we missed New Years. We were watching a movie and before we knew it, it was 12:20. But when I get home, things have been hitting and - well, I crash and burn. I got a call yesterday from an uncle we don't keep in touch with much. He is my mother's brother and since my mother died and he and his family live in another city I barely hear from him - my fault also. We were never that close growing up although I do remember having good times with my cousins who are around my age. When my uncle called me yesterday it was the first time I had heard from him in 5 years. He asked how Ron and the boys were. That threw me for a loop.
Then today I had to take the car in for some repairs. We have taken the car in for quite a while now so they have them all on record. The mechanic showed me the screen to tell him which car it was that I was bringing in and I saw Ron's name and his car. I told him that he could take that one off since my husband had passed away and my son now owned the car. I was looking at my excel spreadsheet after the Queen of Excel updated it for me and noticed that I'd only read 38 books in 2006. I kept thinking that couldn't be right. Surely I had read a lot more that that!!! But then I remembered why I hadn't.
And I crashed and burned.
I try to keep myself almost frantically busy, but sometimes, when I have a quiet moment, it all comes rushing back and I'm not sure I can get past the next 10 minutes because of the pain.
I've signed up for a grief support group for people who have lost a spouse but it doesn't start until the end of January some time. I think that is part of the problem sometimes. I don't know anyone who has lost a husband or wife. I lost both my parents so I know what it's like losing someone you love, but losing Ron is different. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He wasn't supposed to leave me all alone. We were supposed to grow old together. We had been through the bad times and while we still argued and disagreed at times - still we loved each other. I could count on him being there when I needed him. He would take care of things like the car. The reason I had to take it in was because the turn signals weren't working and it ended up costing me $150. I don't know if they ripped me off or not. Ron would have known that kind of thing. When I got a call out of the blue from a relative, I could tell him all about it and tell him stories about when we were kids instead of having to tell my uncle that Ron had passed away.
I know I owe some people some e-mails. And I will answer - I promise. I just have to get past this current bad time.