I cried myself to sleep last night. I don’t do that often. I had been having a bad evening and the grief counselor from Hospice London called. The one who usually visits, Rona who has been with me since before Ron died and had a chance to meet him, had left for England the week before Christmas and she thought I would need someone since this was the first Christmas without Ron. But I don’t like the woman who is visiting now. I had been having a bad day last week on one particular day, the day after I got home from Lisa’s and the day we just happened to be scheduled to go out for a coffee. I was telling her about my bad day and she pretty much told me “well – what can you do. You just have to get over it.” That made me angry. Then last night she happened to call just after I’d had a bought of crying. I made the mistake of telling her I was having a bad moment and she told me, well – it’s 2007 now – as if I’m supposed to miraculously be all better. I needed Krisite at that moment, but alas she has been in hiding for a while. I went against my better judgment and when she asked if she could come over tonight, I said yes. Watch Krisite show up tonight – after the fact.
Just before I fell asleep, I asked Ron to visit me in my dreams since I couldn’t see him when I was awake anymore. He did. The dream started off when we went camping with the boys. They were little in the dream and I’m not sure but I think Ryan was a girl. I better not tell him that part. We used to go camping a lot when they were small and I always hated it so I was thinking “thanks a lot Ron, you just had to take me camping didn’t you?”. When we got to the campgrounds, it was more bog than anything else. Lot’s of dirty water all around us. We were pitching a tent when this bit troll came up to us. He kind of looked like the big trolls in Fraggle Rock – I know - who can understand dreams? He was very friendly though and took us into the world beneath the bog so we could visit with all the other trolls. I met with all the troll wives and they were all very nice. One even made a troll dress for me and it looked rather nice on me. We had a very good time and the boys took off with some of the troll kids to play. But it turned out the trolls had a very short life span and they started folding up like those giant plastic Christmas displays and then turning into dust and blowing away. Ron and I gathered up the boys and ran for the car – which turned into a bed. But before we could leave, Ron started fading and disappearing and then he blew away like the trolls. I woke up at 3:47 am sobbing my heart out because he left me and when I was awake enough, I realized he really was gone. I very (very) rarely remember dreams after I’m awake but I remember the one last night.
I’ve been sad all day today and to be honest – I look like crap. My eyes are all puffy and there are these huge bags under my eyes. Today I look my age. I never have before. People have always been rather astonished when they find out how old I am and I’ve been rather vain about that. And I’m upset that I’m looking old and I’m upset that I’m upset that I’m looking old when I’m so sad.
I feel like I’m thawing out and my emotions that were nearly frozen and like when your toes or fingers start thawing out, it hurts even more. I feel so raw right now. And horny. I’m so frickin’ horny, but I only want Ron.
But it’s more than that. I want to be held by him. I want to be kissed by him. I want tongue action even though he wasn’t much for it before.
And I feel bad that I’m thinking about sex when I am hurting so much and missing HIM!
I’m laughing and crying at the same time and generally feeling uncomfortable doing either.
And here I am blogging about this again instead of something more cheerful. Although the troll world under the bog was a very nice place.
And anyone showing up here for the first time will think I’m a nutbar.