Wednesday, January 03, 2007

I cried myself to sleep last night. I don’t do that often. I had been having a bad evening and the grief counselor from Hospice London called. The one who usually visits, Rona who has been with me since before Ron died and had a chance to meet him, had left for England the week before Christmas and she thought I would need someone since this was the first Christmas without Ron. But I don’t like the woman who is visiting now. I had been having a bad day last week on one particular day, the day after I got home from Lisa’s and the day we just happened to be scheduled to go out for a coffee. I was telling her about my bad day and she pretty much told me “well – what can you do. You just have to get over it.” That made me angry. Then last night she happened to call just after I’d had a bought of crying. I made the mistake of telling her I was having a bad moment and she told me, well – it’s 2007 now – as if I’m supposed to miraculously be all better. I needed Krisite at that moment, but alas she has been in hiding for a while. I went against my better judgment and when she asked if she could come over tonight, I said yes. Watch Krisite show up tonight – after the fact.
Just before I fell asleep, I asked Ron to visit me in my dreams since I couldn’t see him when I was awake anymore. He did. The dream started off when we went camping with the boys. They were little in the dream and I’m not sure but I think Ryan was a girl. I better not tell him that part. We used to go camping a lot when they were small and I always hated it so I was thinking “thanks a lot Ron, you just had to take me camping didn’t you?”. When we got to the campgrounds, it was more bog than anything else. Lot’s of dirty water all around us. We were pitching a tent when this bit troll came up to us. He kind of looked like the big trolls in Fraggle Rock – I know - who can understand dreams? He was very friendly though and took us into the world beneath the bog so we could visit with all the other trolls. I met with all the troll wives and they were all very nice. One even made a troll dress for me and it looked rather nice on me. We had a very good time and the boys took off with some of the troll kids to play. But it turned out the trolls had a very short life span and they started folding up like those giant plastic Christmas displays and then turning into dust and blowing away. Ron and I gathered up the boys and ran for the car – which turned into a bed. But before we could leave, Ron started fading and disappearing and then he blew away like the trolls. I woke up at 3:47 am sobbing my heart out because he left me and when I was awake enough, I realized he really was gone. I very (very) rarely remember dreams after I’m awake but I remember the one last night.
I’ve been sad all day today and to be honest – I look like crap. My eyes are all puffy and there are these huge bags under my eyes. Today I look my age. I never have before. People have always been rather astonished when they find out how old I am and I’ve been rather vain about that. And I’m upset that I’m looking old and I’m upset that I’m upset that I’m looking old when I’m so sad.
I feel like I’m thawing out and my emotions that were nearly frozen and like when your toes or fingers start thawing out, it hurts even more. I feel so raw right now. And horny. I’m so frickin’ horny, but I only want Ron.
But it’s more than that. I want to be held by him. I want to be kissed by him. I want tongue action even though he wasn’t much for it before.
And I feel bad that I’m thinking about sex when I am hurting so much and missing HIM!
I’m laughing and crying at the same time and generally feeling uncomfortable doing either.
And here I am blogging about this again instead of something more cheerful. Although the troll world under the bog was a very nice place.
And anyone showing up here for the first time will think I’m a nutbar.

19 comments:

romancelover said...

Kristie - it's ok to cry. I don't understand why people have to convince us it's not ok to cry. IT IS. I wish I could hug you right now...I'm sending you hugs. You need a good one.
- Daniela
P.S. A good F-off, in response to anyone telling you to GET OVER IT might just shut'em up!!!

Kristie (J) said...

Well, if Krisite makes an appearance tonight when this woman is over - and she's chomping at the bit - I think that just may happen. The thing is - this woman hasn't had a husband die - so she doesn't really know what it's like. It's different for whoever you lose. And if I get to rate her - I'm not sure if I do or not, she'll get a failing grade from me. She's a nice enough person but I think she's lacking a bit of the compassionate gene that's needed.

meljean brook said...

Ah, man Kristie (hugs). I agree with Daniela -- crying is more than okay, and cathartic, and if you need it ... then you need it.

I don't see how anyone can just "get over it." If you could, I don't think you'd be the same Kristie I'd be coming over here and lurking around because I love your posts and personality.

Hang in there.
Meljean

meljean brook said...

And I'm totally rooting for Krisite to make an appearance :D

Tara Marie said...

For someone who is supposed to be helping you deal with grief she doesn't sound all that sympathetic, maybe she deserves a little Krisite.

Crying can be very healing, cry when you need to.

Hugs and prayers, Tara

farmwifetwo said...

Your post made me want to swat her... "Get over it"... UGH!!!!!

If you go back to the beginning of my blog you'll discover what I think of Therapists (T's as I called them).... I got rid of them for a reason. I have a wonderful Family Support Worker from Community Living, but the T's from TVCC.....

Glad you have someone to talk to. Crying is just fine. Don't feel guilty about it.

Hopefully Kristie will be back tonight to come and see you. If not, take Daniela's advice :)

Hugs.

Sheri

Bookwormom said...

Whoever this woman is, she's very unsympathetic. I hope you give her a piece of your mind. She needs a dose of reality. As for crying- don't hold back, it's good for you.

Kris said...

Oh, Sweetie, I am sending you big cyber hugs!!! Crying is good and theraputic, it part of the grieving process. **More big hugs**

Kristie said...

I can't believe that the woman would speak to you like that. Just because a calendar turns it's pages, your grief should be gone? That is crazy! With watching all of the coverage of the funeral of President Ford, it had me thinking about how hard it would be to lose my spouse. I remember the pain from losing my grandfather (we were very close) and can't imagine losing my husband, Chris. You are a strong woman and everything you are going through and feeling are what I believe to be normal. While I can't even begin to fathom how you must feel, you are in my thoughts and prayers. You have me appreciating my family a little more tonight with you wonderful comments and reflections on Ron. He sounds like a wonderful husband, and I am sure you miss him more than anyone could even imagine.

Anonymous said...

Ooooh that "grief counselor" has the sensitivity of a toadstool. You don't "get over it."

You lost your life's partner. You were married for years and raised a family with him. When someone you love dearly dies, you get "through" it. You never get "over it" because that person always lives on in your heart.

Grief comes and goes in waves. Crying is better than holding it in. I know people who lost loved ones years ago and they have a moment where they still cry. Something will trigger it and there they go. It's normal.

Cry all you need to Kristie and I hope you get a different grief counselor from Hospice. One with an understanding and sympathetic nature instead of Robocounselor. Hugs to you.

Lori said...

Sending you big hugs. Cry when you need to, definitely. Tears can heal. Kristie, you are an amazing lady, and you are doing the very best you can. In fact, I'd say you are doing amazingly well.

The holidays are very hard, and post holiday let-down is very common. Your hospice counselor should know that, for crying out loud. So, as Daniela said, give her a big F-off, and do what you need to do.

And don't forget, we're all here for you. Blog about what you want or need to. Don't feel like you need to write a cheery post if you're not feeling cheery, miss nutbar.

ames said...

Hey Kristie-if you're chocolate covered, you'd make a wonderful nutbar. :P

HUGS

Suisan said...

This may not make you feel any better, but I still cry over losing my aunt. She died in 1991.

I'm "over it" in that it doesn't sneak up on me and hit me unexpectedly in the solar plexus anymore, leaving me sobbing while I'm at the ATM or some other embarrassing public place. But I'm not "over it" in that I loved her so much that I miss not having her around.

I wish I could hug you my dear.

Take care of yourself and go punch out that hospice lady. Yeesh.

CindyS said...

I'm so sorry you have to deal with a person who doesn't get it - at all.

If I even think about losing Bob I start to cry - I have very vivid dreams almost every night and have woken up not knowing where I am. I have also woke up crying believing that the dream I had of Bob leaving me was real.

I think that there are people out there that don't believe in or understand the relationship of soulmates. The way we love our spouse is completely different from any other love but I think there are people who have been married and not felt that way. I think this woman sounds very much like this kind of person.

I don't have any words that will make it better but I'm here in blogland or an hour away or an e-mail away if you ever need to just rage.

Cindy

Dance Chica said...

Hey Kristie,

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time right now. That counselor doesn't sound like she's in the right profession. *Sending hugs to you*

Dylan aka Rowena said...

Kristie,

It's okay to grieve for Ron, you can also grieve for as long as you want. You loved him and he was a big part of your life, for that stupid heiffer to be so nonchalant about your feeling by saying, "Well it's 2007 now" and "What can you do, just get over it" makes me want to slit her throat and punch her in the nose. She should be fired because she sure as heck is not helping you at all.

Crying always makes me feel better, so cry all you want, Kristie..=)

Big hugs and love,
Dylan

Devon said...

I'm sorry you had to deal with such an insensitive person at such a difficult time. Does she realize that she's supposed to be a grief counselor?

Anyhow, I hope that you're feeling better now. Nobody should be suggesting that you should be over anything.

Best wishes for a Happy New Year, by the way!!

Rosario said...

That counselor is an idiot. And an idiot who's totally wrong. Kristie, I'm in awe at the courage you've shown in getting through this, you can't just "get over it" just like that!

Megan Frampton said...

Kristie:
Sorry to be late, as usual--so glad you can share with us.
Much love,

Megan