I'm having a real bad day today.
Ron is so much worse now. I knew it would happen - that going to the ball game would take a lot out of him. They can't seem to get the pain managed so he's in it a good deal of the time. He refuses to have someone come to stay with him so that I can get out of the house for a while; the movie on Sunday was a very rare exception. The boys came over to stay with him while I was gone but when I got home he told me that he really wished I was there. Brent is dropping by fairly often, but he just complains about his job and other things a lot so it's not really relaxing when he comes by. Ryan, on the other hand rarely drops by. He has always been closer to Ron so I think he's really struggling with things. Ron has an older brother but they've never been close. His brother has called a total of 3 times since last September, even though he only lives a few miles away. I'm really struggling with anger over that one. His mother is older, not that well herself and doesn't drive. So it's all landing on me.
I've always attracted guilt like a magnet and it's sticking to me like glue for the way I'm feeling sometimes. I've gotten short with him a few times and then feel so wretched after.
I'm getting so lonely for someone to talk to but I can't leave him at all any more. The only time I seem to get any respite is late at night. But then it seems that when I do go to bed, he's up with pain. Then he's up early in the mornings and then so am I and my day begins again. I knew way back that it would get bad, but I had no idea how bad it would be.
He catches me crying sometimes and tells me not too, that it upsets him to see me cry. But how can I not when I see him suffering? And I'm also crying for me too. For my loneliness, for what it will be like without him, because I'm tired.
I really, really don't want to blog about what I'm going through. I want it to be fun and this blog is my oasis, but every once in a while, I can't help it. I just get overwhelmed and today is one of those days.