Thursday, July 13, 2006

I'm having a real bad day today.
Ron is so much worse now. I knew it would happen - that going to the ball game would take a lot out of him. They can't seem to get the pain managed so he's in it a good deal of the time. He refuses to have someone come to stay with him so that I can get out of the house for a while; the movie on Sunday was a very rare exception. The boys came over to stay with him while I was gone but when I got home he told me that he really wished I was there. Brent is dropping by fairly often, but he just complains about his job and other things a lot so it's not really relaxing when he comes by. Ryan, on the other hand rarely drops by. He has always been closer to Ron so I think he's really struggling with things. Ron has an older brother but they've never been close. His brother has called a total of 3 times since last September, even though he only lives a few miles away. I'm really struggling with anger over that one. His mother is older, not that well herself and doesn't drive. So it's all landing on me.
I've always attracted guilt like a magnet and it's sticking to me like glue for the way I'm feeling sometimes. I've gotten short with him a few times and then feel so wretched after.
I'm getting so lonely for someone to talk to but I can't leave him at all any more. The only time I seem to get any respite is late at night. But then it seems that when I do go to bed, he's up with pain. Then he's up early in the mornings and then so am I and my day begins again. I knew way back that it would get bad, but I had no idea how bad it would be.
He catches me crying sometimes and tells me not too, that it upsets him to see me cry. But how can I not when I see him suffering? And I'm also crying for me too. For my loneliness, for what it will be like without him, because I'm tired.
I really, really don't want to blog about what I'm going through. I want it to be fun and this blog is my oasis, but every once in a while, I can't help it. I just get overwhelmed and today is one of those days.


Suisan said...

Hey Kristie. You DO have a fun blog, and we enjoy reading it. But life is life. When it gets overwhelming, don't worry about the BLOG reaction! Please.

I'm not sure what else to say, except that we love you, we know you're going through crap, and I fully expect you to cry from time to time. It's going to happen whether you want it to or not.

Take good care of yourself and try to get some rest. Captain Jack needs you to stay strong so that you can keep defending the "not a triangle" theory against me. ;) Hugs.

C2 said...


I don't know what to say either - and Suisan is have to try to take care of yourself, too.

If positive thoughts sent your way will help at all, know that they are being sent fromt the Sunny South.


sybil said...

I can't tell you enough how much I wish I could make this better for you or be there for you.

Since we can't be 'there' let us be here... and at least listen to you if nothing else.

You are amazing and as always you and Ron are in my thoughts.

loveses you hon

CindyS said...


Even though I have no words to help, please know that I'm hear listening.

Thoughts, hugs and prayers for you and Ron always.


Marg said...

I'm glad that you are sharing with us Kristie. You have been in my thoughts and I have been wondering how things are going for you both.

Anne said...

((((HUGS)))) It's good to let it out Kristie, and we're all here for you, anytime you need us. *G*

Nicole said...

*hugs* You need to let it all out sometimes. And what are friends for, if not to let out on?

Tara Marie said...

Kristie, vent whenever you need to, your friends all have broad shoulders. Just because you're not blogging about it doesn't mean we don't realize what you're going through. Your ability to keep the fun part of your blog going is amazing.

Hugs, thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Anonymous said...

Kristie, I am a lurker on your blog, and this is the first time I really feel compelled to write you because I can relate to what you are going through. It is very important that you take care of yourself so you can take care of your husband. Be honest with your kids about what you need from them right now, even if its just a few hours to yourself while he is sleeping..... And, do you have a Hospice program there? With Hospice, they provide support not only to the patient but to the family, someone who you can talk to without burdening your husband. Be honest with your family about your feelings right now, get as much help as you can. Sincerely, CathyG

Wendy said...

Well shit Kristie. Would it help if you sat your sons down and just laid down the law? Also, is Ron fighting you on hospice? Like someone else already said - hospice isn't just for Ron - it's for you too!

Rosario said...

Kristie, hugs from me, too! Please continue to let things out here, if it helps. We love the fun parts of your blog, but more than that, we love you.

Nikki said...

Kristie, I am so sorry this is happening to you, Ron and your family.

Please continue to pour out your feelings on you blog. We want to be there for you if all we can do is listen.

I think about you everyday. I wonder how you guys are doing.

Don't forget, you can be "real" with us.


ames said...


I love coming by your blog (even though I don't always comment), no matter what you post about. So please don't feel guilty about that.

Sending many warm fuzzies your way. I'm thinking of you sweets. :)

Avid Reader said...

Always here for you {{{KristieJ}}}


Kristie (J) said...

Cathy G: Thank you so much for coming out of lurkdom. I have been in contact with the hospice services here and I meet with someone every couple of weeks. They do have some wacky rules though. The wonderful woman they have matched me with isn't supposed to give me her phone number if I need to call and she's not supposed to give any personal information regarding her own circumstances. And now with Ron getting worse, it's much harder to get out now.

To everyone else: my deepest thanks and appreciation. You have no idea how much it means to me to have such wonderful friends I can vent too when I get overwhelmed.

Megan Frampton said...


I am way late, but I just feel so awful for you, for this terrible burden you are shouldering. I wish your sons could rise above their own issues and be there for both their parents, but that's not always the way--just be strong, vent when you need to, and thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Looking for information and found it at this great site... ratings of mattresses Erectile dysfunction ppt mrs tea tea maker by mr coffee diazepams nausea dogs valium and informed consent Fluoxetine+medication

Anonymous said...

Where did you find it? Interesting read »