It's been a while - but it's that time again

It's time to answer my email again so I bring you

Spam Time!

Well, it’s that semi-annual spam time again, the time when I take one post to answer much of my spam e-mail. So here come the email and my answers.

Penis Growth Promo says “Vids from yacht party

To which I say: Since you didn’t bother to invite me to your damn yacht party, I really don’t want to see the videos of the great time I missed ‘cause I wasn’t invited

Penis Growth Free Trial says “So hard you can break an egg”

To which I say: Huh???? Why would anyone with one want to break an egg on their penis? That makes no sense. Those shells are sharp and the rim of a bowl would work ever so much better I would think.

Penis Growth Free Trial says “She will surely pounce on you.”

To which I say: I don’t really like it when my cats pounce on me. I like it much better when my ‘girls’ just jump and purr rather than pounce and bite and scratch. And right now The Little Shit is pouncing all over the living room. I can hear her. And I can hear things she's pouncing on falling.

Penis Growth Free Trial says “Increase your level of confident”

To which I say: Confident what??

Penis Growth Free Trial says “Funny Naked Girls”

To which I say: that’s not really a clear statement. Do you mean they are funny people in general who just seem to be of the female naked gender, or do they look funny naked. I can think of a better word or two to replace “Funny”

Enlargement supplement Sample says “Attain you desired proportion and size.”

To which I say: First off, why is Sample capitalized and supplement not? That seems odd. And your first word Enlargement doesn’t go along with my particular desired proportion and size. I prefer to be minimized not enlarged.

Sample Men’s Supplement says “Crazy girls gone wilder.”

To which I say: I wonder if they know the funny naked girls?

Penis Growth Free Trials says “Portugal regrets not bring herbal supplements

To which I say: No problem. Spain brought more that we needed.

Trevor Lewis says “Your job application is pending

To which I say: Liar, liar pants on fire!! I never sent you a job application. I’m quite content where I am.

I dunno – it seems like I got a lot of enlargement, growth, sample type spam this time. What’s up with that I wonder?

Once again, it's that time!

I seem to be all about the funny these days don't I? Anyway - with weeks away from my spam mail, as you can imagine, I have quite a few emails in my junk mail and it's time again to delete it. But I need to do a general answer to a few first. So here we go!

Josh Silver says: Destroy Big Bird

And I say: How can you even think such a thing? Do you realize how many young children will be devastated if you destroy Big Bird? Heck, even grown ups would be sad. My sons would be sad. Ask Son # 2 about the movie Follow that Bird. He still remembers it fondly.



So simply give your head a shake and get that idea out of your head!!


Karyn Schaubert says: Chemical spill results in mutant fish


And I say: I know that this is a serious subject, but really - an email in my junk mail just makes me think of a Simpson's episode. I never actually open my junk mail unless I know who it's from - like Chapters telling me they shipped me books, but I really don't know what I can do about it??????


Chrystal Murphy says: do you need my pic

And I say: ah, no?????? I don't know you Chrystal so I can't fathom why I would need you picture.


eyjotio2092@bluewin.ch says: Be larger than you ever were

And I say: eyjotio2092 (odd name by the way) I am doing my very best to make me smaller than I have been in years. It's a struggle. I miss chips. I miss cheesies. I miss cookies and I don't even eat cookies. And don't even get me started on chocolate. So I can honestly say I don't want to be larger than I ever was!! I'm too large as it is.


Allie Schamburek says: Boy bites off own finger

And I say: Hmmm - did he do it on purpose or was it an accident?? Whatever, I hope they found it and managed to reattach it. They really are doing wonderful things in surgery these days.

ajyveuifik4247 says: For your fellow idiots

And I say: Word of advice ajyveuifik4247 - it's probably not a good idea to address people you are sending emails to as idiots. By adding the word fellow, you are calling me and idiot. Now since I don't know you from Adam, I'm not taking it personally, but still in the future.........


Scorro Bolden says: can I send you my pic

And I say: Scorro: thank you but no thanks. Again, I don't know you so I don't know why I would want your pic, but I think you and Chrystal need to get together and exchange photos. Strikes me that it might be a nice match.


nancy kipkayla says: Hello, this message is respectfully yours

And I say: Nancy, I am very impressed by your politeness. You could give lessons to ajyveuifik4247, but I don't know you and since your email came through my junk mail and I'm just a cynical bitch, I'm going to be cautious and not open it. But for any who do, I hope you continue with your fine manners.


Mary Alice Crim says: You Decide

And I say: OK. How does next Monday afternoon sound. Or, mauve, I think mauve would work better. See - there's just too much open for interpretation to answer your question.


earymov7866 says: From your friend

And I say: earymov7866. with all due respect, and I don't mean this in any kind of mean way, but you are not my friend. Unless this is a fake name and you have another name that I might recognize.

Willard Mayberry says: Your wishes have come true



And I say: No Willard, they haven't. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure what my wishes are. At the moment they are simply to be able to run on a tread mill, or go on a date or a big one, to have Richard Armitage fly to London and kiss me.
And I don't think any of these have come true. I know for sure the RA one hasn't!!!!!!!!!!!
Although I do thank you indeed for the opportunity to look for and post gratuitous pictures of Mr. Armitage kissing. *g*


isatoefoh3907 says: Let's go there together

And I say: Is this a request for a date? Or just a 'since we will both be going we might as well just take one car' type of thing? Regardless, as I've said to others, I don't know you so the answer will have to be no.


Douglas Ladd says: Be her passionate tiger

And I say: I can't say anything - I'm too busy giggling!











Well, except for the typical viagara, watch and diploma junk mail, this takes care of my most recent bunch. My junk mail folder is empty once more.

And it's Spam time again!!

It's been kind of sparse for good spam mail for a while, but I do have a few goodies to answer

Alyfoylez says: Rock hard and longer

To which I say: You betcha!! Party on duu-uude

~*~*~*~*~

jenner2 says: A breakthrough in male growth

To which I say: How very peculiar. It seems I sent an email to myself about male growth. I truly do not remember doing that. And what do I know. True, my sons were both rather small babies and both grew considerably taller than myself, but that hardly makes me expert enough to be sending emails to myself about it

~*~*~*~*~

aeodyos5158 says: Discover the secret to amazing nights here

To which I say: Where is here? I bet it's some tropical island somewhere. It's summer and I've used up my share of vacation days so far going to conferences, but if you remember to send this in the dead of winter, I just may be interested.

~*~*~*~*~

iefo2948 says: Re: our date tonight

To which I say: Wait a minute here!!!????!!!??? I had a date?? How could I have forgotten that I had a date? I know I seem to experience short term memory loss worse and worse every day, but a DATE isn't something I'm going to forget. Other than with friends and family, I haven't had a date in years. Alas, I'll never know where you were planning on taking me since I didn't respond. But I bet you were really emailing to cancel weren't you?

~*~*~*~*~

eawadobesi5798 says: Look good in any pants

To which I say: I wish!!!! There is no way I will EVER look good in low rise pants. You've hear of muffin tops? I'm afraid I would be a sponge cake - made in a Very Large bundt pan. So I'm just not going to open this one!

~*~*~*~*~

jenner2 says: 3 neat tricks to bag her

To which I say: OK - now I KNOW someone is messin' with my email account. There is not a chance in hell I would send an email on how to "bag" her. How degrading - as if 'her's' are some kind of animal to be hunted and brought down. I remember a year or so ago I went out with 'the girls' and was horrified at how much the bar scene had changed since I was young and single and looking. It felt like a meat market, so I'm surely not going to give advise on 'bagging' women!

~*~*~*~*~

dina kipkalya says: Hello;, This Message is Respectfully Yours!,

To which I say: Dina, my how polite you are. And you should get a polite answer. I deferentially decline to open your email since it went into my spam email. But I do appreciate your fine manners.

~*~*~*~*~

jenner2 says: Boost your ego today

To which I say: Again someone is stealing my email address. There are going to some people upset with me perhaps! Anyway - I don't think I really need to boost my ego. I think it's healthy enough without having to open spam. Well, except for my sponge cake top that is. I do have issues in that area.

~*~*~*~*~

Ali Mcgraw says: We help those people who are not used to waist their time in university. Get the job you deserve easily and without any effort

To which I say: Well Ali, I don't mean to sound elitist or snobbish or anything, but I don't really think it's a good idea that you are recommending people not go to university since by the looks of your spelling, grammar and peculiar tense changes, I'm not sure you even made it out of grammar school yourself. Chances are you aren't going to get a lot of people responding to your email

~*~*~*~*~

ymuere4660 says: Wow, this is amazing

To which I say: I'm afraid I'm a bit of a cynical bitch. 'Cause I don't really trust opening a spam mail to find out what it is exactly you find amazing.

~*~*~*~*~

esyyfyryz2004 says: Real men have real peckers

To which I say: Normally I recognize this is one of those "size" spam emails and just automatically hit delete. But I couldn't help thinking to myself - what? as opposed to faux peckers? Unless they mean woodpeckers - like Woody. Maybe real men are bird collectors.

~*~*~*~*~

yneakyn4665 says: She wants it so badly

To which I say: Oh you silly man (cause it's gotta be a guy), don't you just wish.


And that's it for today - the best of my spam mail. The rest sadly is just crap and not worth wasting time thinking of a reply. Now I can delete all and start all over again

Heh, heh, heh

Yep, it's that time again. And a really dumb question

It's that time when I answer my spam mail in a 'public' forum. I don't have as many fun ones this time 'round. It seems that the vast majority of my spam are offers ranging from 75% to 87% - 87% (?) off viagara. And they are all kinds of boring. But I do have a few fun ones:


Elizabeth Pittman says " Hi there..today we have Is it to small"

My response: Elizabeth - I have read this a number of times and really, it doesn't make any sense. The best I can do is guess what it means and thus my answer - I don't have an It.

ismetulamraja says "Virilying your bulge"

My response: ismetulamraja (where do they come up with some of these names by the way?) besides having an almost unpronounceable name, I think you have just made up a word. Again I had to guess and my response is similar. Not only do I not have an It, I don't have a bulge. Oh I have bulges alright, way too many much to my dismay, but not the bulge I think you are referencing.


Gavin Kearns says "Why settle for what you have"

My response: Gavin, while it's true we all would like more - more money, more books, more whatever, on the whole I'm happy enough with what I have and I'm not going to open your email to see if I want more of an It or a Bulge.


Dafamco says "Dip into passion ocean"

My response: Dafamco, I'm a widow. If I dip into passion ocean, I'll be dipping in alone. Unless you can come up with someone to dip into it with, I think I'll just stick to small lakes.


Alec Holloway asks: "Do you have $6 ?"

My response: Yes. ...... Oh wait! I bet you want to sell me something for $6. Sorry, not interested.


Helen Bush says "cccccccccc"

My response: dddddddddd. Your turn. Though I have to be honest, this is kind of a boring game.


Toyota Promo says "Congratulations"

My response: Yours doesn't seem outrageous or funny, but considering the troubles you seem to be having lately, I think I'll just stick with my Chevy Cavalier.


ELENA Neely says "For your rod's spirit of verticality"

My Response: ELENA, first off, I find it a bit odd that you would capitalize just your first name, but *shoulder shrug* to each their own. Again, I must respond that I don't have an It nor a bulge nor a "rod" - if that's what you are referring to - and that's what most spam mail does mean I think. And second - spirit of verticality?????? Is that a word and do they have their very own spirit now? I know we joke they have the 'small' brain, but now they have a spirit too!!

Errol Castro says "Your wife will love it"

My response: I'm not a wife. I wouldn't mind one in a platonic sense of the word. It would be ever so nice to come home to a clean house and meal ready for me. I know, I know - that's terribly sexist isn't it. I realize that. But that would be the only reason I would want a platonic wife.


Susan Jeffers says: "Remeberances my new address"

My response: Susan, I have no idea what you could possibly be trying to say to get me curious enough to open you spam mail. Although - maybe you're a genius and that's the point! Regardless, I'm not going to do it. And yet again, according the red squiggly line under the word rememberances, you have also made up a word.


Eddie Newsome says "All men need this"

My response: Eddie, let's be honest with each other. All men need A LOT of things. And avoiding being sexist again, I'll confess, all women need a lot of things too.


Efrain Lowery says "too busy to go back to school?"

My response: Yes Efrain, I am. I went back to school about 12 years ago and while I loved it since it was my choice to go back and not something I had to do, and I met a great group of women I still connect with, I'm not interested in doing it again. I have a job I very much enjoy and I'm at a point in my life where I wouldn't mind taking evening courses for my own interests, like the creative writing courses I took a couple of years ago, I'm not really interested in starting the whole "school" thing over again.


And there you have it! My spam mail is empty and now I can start a brand new collection of the wacky and the funny.

Now for the really dumb question. I'm headed to Columbus next week - it should almost be a song title shouldn't it? Anyway, I'm driving - from Southwestern Ontario by myself unless anyone else from this neck of the woods is headed for the RT convention and is stuck for transpo. Which reminds me - I have to get some good tunes to listen to - Black Eyed Peas I Gotta Feeling and maybe some Lady Gaga. And because I'm getting more and more excited daily, odd things occur to me. And this is one I'm wondering about. I plan on just parking at the hotel. When I get there, do I drive to the parking garage and haul my luggage up? Or do I stop at the parking entrance, take out my luggage there and a parking valet takes care of parking my car and retrieving it for me if I go outside the hotel during the week. I've always flown before and car stuff wasn't an issue.

I know this is way overplayed - but I love it anyway!

Why is it????

That when I announce that I AM NOT interested in getting Viagra at 80% off, I'm now bombarded with their spam. Of the 22 spam emails currently in my folder, 14 of them are Viagra related????

Off to delete.


Oh, oh, oh!!

And I got to change my calendar at work again! This is what I get to look at for the month of February.


And *snort* my coworkers think I'm odd! I say it's calendar envy

I thought I would take this opportuntiy

To once again answer some of my spam mail.

Darin H. says: Regain your sexual energies

Dan: I haven't lost them. Sadly, though I know my sons would be horrified at the thought, know that now that I've jumped into the lake of erotic romance, I have no 'real' outlet for them however.

Reva C. says: Women never get bored with a well endowed man.

Reva: This is a two part answer. Part one - Sure - rub it in. Part two - a well endowed man is all well and good, but the real important question is does he know what to do with the endowment?

Charles says: Yo, yo bud

Charles: Yo, yo back at you dude!

mgarfinke says: Launch your love spaceship

Well - I'm almost tempted to click on this one to see what the hell a love spaceship is!! Would it be the Enterprise run amuck?


Willa R says: My new address
Willa: Thanks - but as I've no idea who you are and I don't mean this in a nasty way really - but I don't care.


Nadya says : Sweet Lord, call me on my cell phone
Nadya, I wasn't aware that the Lord had a cell phone. Or an email account. Prayer is the usual method of communication I believe.


Aida A says: The secret of being an incredible lover is having a big device
Aida, as I said to Darin, I think the key is more to know what to do with that big device. Unless we are talking large screen HD television and I think that's more of a guy thing myself.

Jengw says: Good day, I accidentally found a letter from you, I remembered how we communicated with you.
Jengw: ???? How do you accidentally find a letter? And it wasn't me - I can't remember the last time I sent a letter. Email or phone is the way I communicate these days.


nrique says: Answer me
nrique: Short and sweet - NO!!


counsellingdd says: Please answer me
counsellingdd, you are more polite than nrique but the answer will still be no, I don't think so.


Jed D says: Even if you are in debt, you can afford a designer watch
Jed, if I were in debt, I'd be more into getting out of debt than getting a fancy watch. While yes, I do have an impressive watch collection, most of them I get at Walmart and they are much less expensive and I don't have to worry about debt.


counsellingdd says: Limpness won't threaten your rod.
counsellingdd, actually the biggest threat to my rod is Destructo Cat - the way she goes after my curtains, I swear she's going to pull the whole thing down sometime!!!


Ashley says: No woman will be able to forget the night with you.
Ashley, while I can be fun to spend time with at times, I wouldn't go that far. But thanks for the ego boost.


Maureen B says: Women love making love with monsters even when it hurts.
Maureen: I think you've been reading way to many paranormal romance. It's fiction - there are no real vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters etc.


And a general answer to all Viagra distributors - I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF IT'S 80% OFF - I'M STILL NOT BUYING ANY!!

It's that time again

Yep – I’ve been saving the best of my junk mail. I don’t know if I can make a story out of it, but I can offer some replies.

Spegal Patrick says to “Watch Weed Growing on-line.”

Well, Spegal Patrick, as exciting as that sounds, I don’t have a whole season to watch something as thrilling as watching weeds grow on-line. And I can't help but wonder if you refer to weeds like dandilions and the like or the "other" kind of weed.

Chris at sirc says “their heads are green and their hands are blue”.

Oh Noes!!! EEEEEEKKKK There are aliens amongst us. Good thing we will be able to tell who they are with those green and blue colours they have going. I wonder if they are scaly though. You don't say in the subject line.

Lilly Chaddick says “What’s with my message to you”

How the hell should I know? And don't you think you are taking a rather antagonistic tone considering you sent me the email?

Delia Schaper says “Successful Wannabe?”

Delia, I’m thinking you must be a tad confused. If one is a wannabe, then they aren’t successful ‘cause if they are successful, then they aren’t a wannabe.

Shelby Montes says “I wait for your letter to me.”

Shelby, I’m sad to say this but you will be waiting for a long time. I don’t know you and since you are in my junk mail, I’m not going to send you a letter.

Sharell Loeza says “You now have my endorsement”

I’m not sure what it’s for. I hope you don’t mean if I run for office for something. You obviously don’t know my loathing for all things political. Chances are Very Good I won't be running for any kind of office.

Nabb Bertram says “My dear, pass me details.”

Mr. Bertram, my dear, do you know how condescending you sound? I don’t think I will pass you the details. And besides – details of what?

Nakisha Garces asks “Were you in classroom?”

Nakisha, chances are.......... no. It’s been a long time since I was in classroom. Mind you, I’ve taken a couple of creative writing courses, but your name doesn’t ring a bell.

Gestar at 01 says “Less live than specks in that sun shafts turn.”

I have no idea what you just wrote.

Brooking says “better copulating is real”

Hmm, does that mean poor copulating is false? I think most of us have had at least one not so great copulation but that didn’t make it less real. Now if you had said more fun - I could see it.

Weston says “Cheers”

Well cheers to you too Weston!!

Rheindl at telekom says “And bells, and buttons, and loops, and lace”

That makes about as much sense as what Gestar wrote to me.

Cunninghamthadan at bellsouth says “I thought about Mr”

Now this one does have me curious – not curious enough to open an email that went to my spam bin, but I do wonder who Mr’s last name is and what you thought about him. Naughty thoughts perhaps???

Jon.d.ma says “But what shall we do for a ring?”

I don’t know!!!! Do they still have them in boxes of Cracker Jacks? Come to think of it though I haven't seen a box of Cracker Jacks since I don’t remember when. (And now I have that theme song playing in my head - thanks.) How about a gumball machine?

Amos Juarez says “You will like the quality of our soft, but moreover you will like the prices.”

Soft what, I wonder. Pillows? Sheets? Kittens? Porn? The mind boggles at what.

Sal Kaburee says “read carefully and reply.”

Ah, no.

Roland Laskoski says “Time to join.”

Roland, it would be helpful to know time to join what. That’s just a bit too vague for me I’m afraid.

And now that I've had me some fun, I can delete it all again.

Having Fun With Spam Again

Just for the heck of it, I’ve been saving my spam again. No – not the kind out the tin, the kind we get in our junk email. Once more I’ve saved some of the funnier spam mail I got and rather than reply to it personally, I thought I would do it here.

Michale Bydyono says “John said to me”

What, what did he say to you? You left me hanging there!

Tamika Villarreal says “Women would be begging to take a picture of your fantastic rod”

Um – I don’t think so Tamika. While true, I haven’t asked a lot of women about their photography habits, I don’t think we go around wanting to take pictures of fantastic rods as a rule – flowers, yes, sunsets, perhaps – a woman I work with lives near the lake and often takes pictures of the sunsets; our children, of course, our husbands – could be, our husbands wankers – nope – don’t think so.

Daisy Ajdoedih says “Plan B”

Before I go with Plan B – I want to know what Plan A is

Winfred Rodgers says "Enhancing you rod will be the best gift for her for St. Valentines".

Well first off Winifred, we have to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas before we talk about St. Valentines day. And then I realize that some guys may figure big shlongs = romance – but that’s why you guys are from Mars. Take it from a her – if you have the money, jewellery would work much better.

Traci Ackerman says “Life is so much easier when you have more inches”

Sure Traci, sure – rub it in!! Every time I’m at the grocery store and my 5 foot, 2 inch tall body is wanting something on the top shelf and I have a choice of either trying to climb up like a monkey or wait until someone taller comes along – I think that. Or when the milk hasn’t been restocked and the kind I want is at the back of the refrigerator unit so I settle for skim milk instead, I think the very same thing!

Oh – wait – I bet you don’t mean it like tha-at.

Charles Berg says “you would never have to travel south if you had a bigger shaft”

OK – I’m confused over this one. Why would traveling south have anything to do with mining? Unless maybe they have more gold or silver mines south of here – but how far south must one go?

Annika Criscuolo says “Become Volunteer”

Now that’s a bit too wide open. Do you mean volunteer to help the underprivileged or to become a human lab rat for all kinds of strange experiments? Or maybe to see what drastic sleep depravation can do – there are just too many possibilities in that open ended suggestion.

Ora Farr says “Enlarging your male tool will be the best revenge for your ex”

OOO-Kay. It sounds like a subtle revenge to me – unless of course you go up to her and drop your pants and let her see the enlargement. But then there’s the risk she might just point and laugh or have you arrested. Because really – how else is your ex going to know you had your male tool enlarged. Unless of course you are talking getting bigger hammer or a shinier saw or sharper awl, in which case I think there are better methods of revenge.

Alyssa Banks says “the endurance and stamina depends on the size as well.”

Oh dear – I hope all those athletes training for the Winter Olympics or all those football players getting ready for the NFL season who are somewhat vertically challenged don’t get this one!!

And now that I’ve had my fun – I can “select all” and “delete”

But before I hit Publish Post - one more funny "spam"