It's been a while - but it's that time again

It's time to answer my email again so I bring you

Spam Time!

Well, it’s that semi-annual spam time again, the time when I take one post to answer much of my spam e-mail. So here come the email and my answers.

Penis Growth Promo says “Vids from yacht party

To which I say: Since you didn’t bother to invite me to your damn yacht party, I really don’t want to see the videos of the great time I missed ‘cause I wasn’t invited

Penis Growth Free Trial says “So hard you can break an egg”

To which I say: Huh???? Why would anyone with one want to break an egg on their penis? That makes no sense. Those shells are sharp and the rim of a bowl would work ever so much better I would think.

Penis Growth Free Trial says “She will surely pounce on you.”

To which I say: I don’t really like it when my cats pounce on me. I like it much better when my ‘girls’ just jump and purr rather than pounce and bite and scratch. And right now The Little Shit is pouncing all over the living room. I can hear her. And I can hear things she's pouncing on falling.

Penis Growth Free Trial says “Increase your level of confident”

To which I say: Confident what??

Penis Growth Free Trial says “Funny Naked Girls”

To which I say: that’s not really a clear statement. Do you mean they are funny people in general who just seem to be of the female naked gender, or do they look funny naked. I can think of a better word or two to replace “Funny”

Enlargement supplement Sample says “Attain you desired proportion and size.”

To which I say: First off, why is Sample capitalized and supplement not? That seems odd. And your first word Enlargement doesn’t go along with my particular desired proportion and size. I prefer to be minimized not enlarged.

Sample Men’s Supplement says “Crazy girls gone wilder.”

To which I say: I wonder if they know the funny naked girls?

Penis Growth Free Trials says “Portugal regrets not bring herbal supplements

To which I say: No problem. Spain brought more that we needed.

Trevor Lewis says “Your job application is pending

To which I say: Liar, liar pants on fire!! I never sent you a job application. I’m quite content where I am.

I dunno – it seems like I got a lot of enlargement, growth, sample type spam this time. What’s up with that I wonder?

More work-ish kinda stuff

A bit of background for anyone new here. I work at a place that arranges home care. It's too long a story to tell - but I've been there going on five years. For most of that time I worked in what is called the Access department, where all new referrals come to. I love the department, but last summer a job opening became available covering for a maternity leave. Here in Canada, mat leaves are for a year - one area we so have it going on over you guys in the US - but that's an issue for another day.

This job was in the Supportive Care department where unfortunately for most, it's the end of life and what we offer them most is palliative care. I've been drawn to this area because of my own life circumstances. I was ready for a change when the job came up; it was a department I wanted to try working in and my existing job would be there at the end of my co-workers mat leave - a Win/Win.

Less than a month later I fell on my basement steps breaking my legs in two places resulting in a most interesting month long stay in the hospital and a two and a half month absence from work myself.

{This is exactly what I broke and what they did by the way - is it cool or what?}

But I'm back full time and really enjoying working in the Supportive Care department. But as you can imagine, there are some sad times and sad stories. I fell part of what I offer the team is comic relief. This is some examples of what I mean. Take it away!! And yes - I do include the pictures.

From: J, Kristie
Sent: Thursday, February 03, 2011 10:09 AM
To: My Current Team
Subject: Thought for the day

So – I was watching TV last night – American Idol I do believe, when a commercial came on and I got to thinking. It was the commercial for Mini Wheats and the little Mini Wheat people are all happy and relaxing and even singing in a bowl of hot milk. They seem very mellow and totally enjoying the fact that they have discovered the wonders of hot milk. But they are so sadly obvious to the fact that their little lives are very soon to be dramatically cut short. Because looming in the background are people. Hungry people. People that have spoons in their hands and plan to eat up those happy little Mini Wheat people.

Just thought I’d share where my mind sometimes goes

Kristie J

Client Services Assistant

SUPPORTIVE CARE TEAM


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And here is another way I made my team wonder what kind of oddity they are working with. We have, as a group, entered a trivia contest fund raiser coming up soon and this is some communication concerning it:

From: N, Kimberley
Sent: Tuesday, February 08, 2011 3:51 PM
To: J, Kristie
Subject: RE: UPDATE - Trivia Night Event

Yes…thanks Goodness…I on the other hand rely heavily on Tequila!

Kim N RN

From: J, Kristie
Sent: Tuesday, February 08, 2011 3:44 PM
To: My Current Team
Subject: RE: UPDATE - Trivia Night Event

LOL – if you aren’t a winner yourself, the next best thing would be me winning that HUGE basket of wine. I can’t drink wine anymore so should I be the lucky winner, I’d have to give it all away. You would think I would have learned when I could no longer drink gin for the same reason…….or rye…….or rum……..

Thank goodness I still have beer and coolers

Kristie J

Client Services Assistant

SUPPORTIVE CARE TEAM

From: N, Kimberley
Sent: Tuesday, February 08, 2011 2:41 PM
To: The Team
Subject: UPDATE - Trivia Night Event

Hi Group;

Confirmation today from the event co-ord, our registration is confirmed and table reserved.

Our team name is : CARE PALLS

There will be a registration table at the event. The first member of our team to arrive can pick up our envelope under our team name, which includes question sheets, door prize tickets, sponsor information, etc. A table at the event will have our team name on it, we can all gather there.

Alcoholic(beer, wine & coolers) and non-alcoholic drinks are available for purchase. Snacks on our table and intermission food (sandwiches, desserts) are included in the price of the event.

There will be silent auction items and a contest to win a HUGE basket of wines... bring some cash!

Sounds like fun!

Reminder

Date: Sat. Feb. 26

Time: 6:30pm

Location: Somewhere in the city

Kim Nichols RN

(as a footnote - anyone who spent time with me at RWA a couple of years ago will get the wine reference)
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I went to a Jewellery Party a couple of weeks ago where I learned that wearing multi-necklace strands was all in style. I've been a bit of a bling-aholic lately so I've been having a grand time wearing it all now that I know I can. My fellow Client Service Assistant on the team noticed and I kind of preened when I noticed I had entirely forgot earrings!!!!! I had matching watch, bracelet and multiple strands on necklaces but Oh Noes - naked ears. A little later I could tell my coworker - I shall call her Rebecca - was stressing out. We have an in-office IM system so I IM'ed her out of the blue:

Kristie

Thank GOODNESS I had an emergency pair of earrings on hand is all I can say!!

11:58 AM Rebecca

Did you have to break the glass??

11:58 AM Kristie

Of course - they don't match what I'm wearing - but at least it's something!

11:59 AM Rebecca

You can't have everything!!!

11:59 AM Kristie

No - I think I had them here from before I started using the little earpiece and had to remove them because they are the stump post kinds and I kept hurting the back of my ear when I answered the phone, SLAMMING the metal post into my head hurts!!

12:01 PM Rebecca

It is hard to type when you are laughing so hard.

**************************************************

Although I'm not in the Access department at this time, I'm still on the team email list and get the emails that are sent to the team. This one came today and while it really has nothing to do with me in my current department, I thought I'd answer anyway:

Well, Deborah, I hate to be known as the joy killer – though I know I have developed that somewhat unfair reputation through the years, but I kind of put in for those days first. I put in my request two weeks ago. And since despite my attempts to rectify the situation, on the reception board I’m still listed as working in Access, being the destroyer of dreams that I am, I have the sad task of tell you that your S.O.L!

Unless of course you agree to shovel my driveway for the rest of the winter. I would consider reconsidering if you were to agree to that. And lucky you, it’s really more just my front porch and little walkway to the house as one of my neighbours has been plowing my sidewalk and driveway for me. So I’d say it’s a good deal for you – the two days you want for just some shoveling for the next couple of months.

Kristie J

Client Services Assistant

SUPPORTIVE CARE TEAM

From: E, Deborah
Sent: Wednesday, February 09, 2011 2:13 PM
To: My Former Team

Subject: Vacation for February 18 and 22/11

Hi team

I would like to take February 18 and 22/11 off. Please let me know if this causes any conflicts within the team for other vacation times. Thanks : )

Deborah E

Client Services Assistant - Access Department

*****************************************************************

You know - there are many, many days I really like going to work

Sometimes I kill me

I have a bit of a reputation at work for sending rather......... unusual....... work emails. Some coworkers like them, other people I'm sure think them very odd.

In my particular job, I have to send a lot of faxes and we have to stamp anything we fax with a fax stamp and date stamp. It can get annoying doing both so not long ago we had a special stamp done just for our department that dates it and marks it faxed at the same time - in one fell STAMP!! It went missing last Friday, and this is the email I sent - along with picture.




BOLO!!
Our dear coworker – Faxendate Stamp – is missing!!! We miss him and I think he probably misses us too, though he did wander away. If you have seen him, can you bring him back to his home next to the fax machine? He is unique, one of a kind!! In the meantime we are making due with his cousins Fax Stamp and Date Stamp, but it just isn’t the same without our own Faxendate. He seems to have vanished on Friday afternoon. I notice his absence particularly this week. He does know how to save time!


Well, finally, a week later, something occurred to me. So I looked and found it. So I sent a follow-up email


Update
Faxendate came back!! Well, at least we found the little rascal. I think he must have been boogeying and partying too hearty and somehow jumped off his table and landed behind the fax machine. Probably that break dance he attempted. I know the whole team was worrying about him and hoping he would once more be reunited with his cousins Date Stamp and Fax Stamp – and then the other one we don’t speak of often, Urgent Stamp. Well, we can cease our worrying. Now, we just need to keep him out of the ‘ink’ on the weekends!

~*~*~ And in other news ~*~*~

And I have a Kobo update!! I've been working on it and managed to drop and drag the PDF books over to the Kobo - with a couple of glitches! It seems I can't change the font size like I can on the other book. And the font is teeny, tiny - so much so that it's too small to read. It does allow me to increase the size of the page if not the font, but when I do that, it moves the page to the right so that I can't read it all *sigh*

And I've found a few drawback. I'm an unrepentant enreader. I don't like that I am, but it's a habit I haven't been able to break and gave up trying. But with the Kobo, I don't think I can do that; not unless I want to click on hundreds of pages! The book I'm reading is very unusual and I want to see how it ends - NOW - but I can't! Also I'm curious about something that I think happened a few chapters back, but again, it's not as easy to flip back in an ereader as it is in a print book.

And I found out I still have to carry at least one paper book with me - in case the battery dies in the ereader and I can't turn it on at lunch when I have some reading time. That happened to me yesterday but luckily I had a back-up print book to get me through the lunch hour.

Sam's Creed Book Review... warning this one gets a bit scandalous!

I have never been a big fan of western romance in particular, but ever since Sarah McCarty came on the scene with her erotic and perhaps scandalous westerns, I have been hooked. I started reading Sarah’s books during her Ellora’s Cave days and I have a complete set in her Promise Series. So, when Sam’s Creed came out a few weeks ago, I just had to get it. And let me tell you, some of the sex scenes are so very creatively written that I had to re-read some a few times to get the full understanding about what is happening between Sam, our sexy Texas Ranger, and Isabella, the spunky heroine who steals his heart. The majority of Sam and Isabella’s shocking loving happens on a horse. One such act that happens from page 210-216 had my head spinning because I couldn’t understand how it was possible. But, I will get to that in a moment.

Sam’s Creed is book two in the Hell’s Eight series about Sam “Wildcard” MacGregor, who was first introduced in Caine’s Reckoning, book one. Sam is part of Hell’s Eight, a group of men who uphold the law as Texas Rangers set in Texas during the mid 1850’s. This is the time of the Wild West where men used their guns proudly to defend their honor. The Hell’s Eight have such a scary reputation that you do not want to mess with any of them and who they lay claim to. Sam is on a mission to find the missing sister of Desi, who is Caine’s wife. Sam does find a woman but she is not the one he is looking for. He and his trusty sidekick dog, Kell, find a group of wagons that were ambushed. He doesn’t think he will find another living soul since the ground is littered with dead bodies. He is wrong, because under one of these wagons, is a young Spanish woman very much alive and one who is very annoyed. Isabella is the last person alive from this wagon train heading to San Antonio where her family home is. She is on the run from Tejala, a nasty man who wants to marry Isabella because of her fortune and her nice ranch spread. Sam, being the man that he is, decides to bring Isabella safely to her family.

Isabella has a lot of sass and doesn’t mine telling Sam the way to do things. She has become one of my favorite McCarty heroines because of this. Isabella is no weeping violet and will defend herself, even against Sam. Sam threatens to beat her butt too many times to could because she doesn’t listen to him and if Isabella wanted to, she would bend over and allow Sam to have his way. Isabella may be a virginal little miss, but she believes the evil Tejala will get his way even with Sam protecting her. She fears she will be raped by Tejala, so, why not give up her innocence to a man like Sam? Sam would love nothing more to introduce Isabelle to sex. Sam just can’t get over the fact that he is not good enough for his Spanish Duchess. Still, this doesn’t stop Sam from giving Isabella some interesting foreplay, which leads to some eye popping love scenes.

If you have read Sarah’s erotic westerns in the past, you know about one such act that Sam introduces Isabella to. I call it, “fun with the butt-butt”, but not only does this intimacy happen out in the wide open desert, but on a horse while it is in motion! Of course there are some other straight forward intimacies that I have enjoyed between these two. The majority of them happen in a cave or as they are camping down for the night. But again, since this is the desert and with that lack of water, well, bathing is not really an option. I would say both Sam and Isabella have been traveling for a few days to a week, but that doesn’t stop Sam and Isabella from having fun, which includes Sam rubbing a certain type of fluid into Isabella’s skin as to mark her as his own.

Overall, I found Sam and Isabella to have nice chemistry and Isabella is a wonderful heroine who stands by her man. I would have liked to see Sam act a bit more alpha, like most of Sarah’s heroes have been in the past, but Sam was quieter and more subdued which seemed to work especially as Sam tries to handle Isabelle. It was nice to see one of Sarah’s heroines take control of the relationship for a change. Sarah also showed that the Wild West is a place where the townspeople don’t always smile and welcome strangers with opens arms. It is a harsh vast wilderness and if two people such as Sam and Isabella can find some sort of happiness, then, more power to them.

I give Sam’s Creed 3 out of 5 stars….

That is not all! Earlier in this post I had mentioned another sex act that starts on page 210 that Isabella and Sam engage in on horse that I could not wrap my mind around. I was so confused by what Isabella does to Sam that I needed advice. About a week ago, I emailed about twenty-five of the smartest and funniest ladies in blog land to help me out. 180 emails later, my initial question started an email conversation, the likes I couldn’t believe!
DISCLAIMER: WARNING!!
What you are about to read is very graphic, somewhat shocking and so funny that you may want to put down whatever you are drinking or eating because you may laugh so hard you may just pee your pants. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent, and others didn’t mind at all as I asked permission to post their emails.

Without further ado, I give you the condensed version of, BJ on a Horse:

Katiebabs: I have an interesting question, so maybe you can help me out. I am in the middle of a book where the heroine is riding with the hero on a horse. She is sitting behind him. He is quite large, the manly muscular cowboy type and she is a bit petite. While they are riding along, she decides to relieve some of his tension and give him a blow job. The thing is I have read this scene three times and I can't figure out how it is possible! Even if she put her head under his arm, how can she reach her face around to his crotch and get a good grip on his penis and with her mouth? Can someone explain how this is logistically possible?

Katie R: Honestly, unless she's an acrobat, I don't see how this is possible. She'd definitely have to put her head under his arm, but if she's small and petite, what the hell is she holding onto? They'd have to be riding bareback since it's two of them so it's not as if she could hold onto the saddle horn....yeah, I don't think this could happen.
Ana: It's doable, it's doable .If she grew up as a contortionist on a circus and if his wee (tee hee) is not wee at all, if it is loooooooooooong and if points north, she could contort herself around his waist, lift her bottom, turn her face around sideways, I say it's totally doable.
SB Sarah: Or if she's not human, and instead is made of a flexible protein compound that lets her bend and stretch in any number of ways, like that guy on the X-files who could slither through the mail slots.
DA Jane: So you are saying it’s a Western paranormal with a shape-shifting heroine?
Katiebabs: It is from Sam's Creed by Sarah McCarty. And yup, she decides since Sam was so kind to her the night before, why not give him a helping hand or a nice kiss. Nope, not a western paranormal at all. Straight up erotic western romance.
SB Sarah: Erotic western romance with... bendy girl! I'm seriously still pondering how that would work. I think it might be impossible. Like that one Susan Johnson novel I read where the hero carried the heroine still joined at the naughty bits down a hill into a cold lake, and she had, like, two orgasms on the way there just from the walking bounce. Then another in the cold water. But that was just sexually suspicious. this is just plain anatomically - wait. What if the hero has a giant hole in his abdomen, and she crawled through?
MaryKate: I would think the bite down instinct if jarred would be enough to get the fella to say no. ;o)
Kristie(J): I believe in the cartoon Mr. Gadget, he could extend his neck for quite some distance. They made a real live movie out of the cartoon. While I didn't see the movie, if the heroine had the same kind of ability - it might be possible. Or if she shape shifts to a snake.
DA Jane: Hmm. the shape shifting snake heroine. Sounds really, um, non-erotic.
LisaBea: Well her jaw would dislocate to swallow that thing down. Now that's sexy. Experience? I mean in a CAR across the console is one thing...
Carolyn Jean: I'm going to be the voice of dissent here. I could see it. Assuming, of course, we are not talking gallop here. I have been sitting here imagining it. I have done a scientific thought experiment! Further clarification from my mind: I think that man would have to lean to the side a bit, and aid in the stabilization of his lady as she goes to. Oh, yes! I'm seeing it, cowgirls. I could also see a BJ position riding with both legs on one side of the horse while behind the man. I could see bending around him then.
Jen B: I have done lots of crazy things in lots of crazy positions, but I can honestly say I've never given head to a guy that's sitting in front of me on the back of a horse. I'm totally impressed. I need to read that book, if only to try to draw a diagram as I'm reading the scene.
Shannon M: I have to admit that I am just not seeing how it is possible. Perhaps I have a limited mind. Having only ridden a horse 2 or 3 times, I just imagine her sliding right off the side. Oh, and the whole BJ in a moving car? I just read a book by Shannon McKenna called Extreme Danger in which the heroine finds out her fiancé is cheating on her the day before the wedding because his ex was giving him head in a moving car. They crashed. The ex ended up with a neck injury and the fiancé had a nice set of teeth marks.Of course, this is what sets things in motion for the heroine to meet the hero. Sadly, I could not buy into their relationship. But yes, a cautionary tale about giving BJs in a car.
Katiebabs: Well I am almost done with this book and want to hear another interesting thing that goes on? Sam has this habit after he blows to rub his jizz all over the heroine. This happens a lot and a week later or so, she still hasn't had a bath or nothing. But, hey, Sam enjoys her feminine musk, so who am I to complains? Thoughts?
DA Jane: What? They are in the desert? No creeks? No little water holes to fill the canteen? No cacti to break open to gain access to aloe vera?
Jen B: Well, some women like being marked that way. ;) But not without a bath every day. That would get pretty nasty.
Carolyn Jean: have come across men who think their sperm is really, really precious. Like a gift.
Shannon M: Yeah, that's not a gift I want to be carrying around with me all week.
SB Sarah: OH HOLY MOTHER OF STANK. Is this the new sequel to Oil of Olay Body Wash? Essence of Sam Jizz Lotion?
DA Jane: I have no problem with the marking thing. I just read Jasmine Haynes's Show and Tell (hot) and she spreads it on her chest and that makes her excited BUT there is definitely washing that is going on. There is nothing wrong with a little hygiene.
SB Sarah: I mean, let's be honest: there is nothing better than the hot shower after really fun sex, because you're clean and the water is warm and maybe you're not in there by yourself. (ahem) Cleanliness is very sexy. Fun. And A GOOD THING. Smelling like day old wank is NOT.
Carolyn Jean: Maybe it scares the coyotes away.
DA Jane: Plus, could all that jizz be comfortable? I mean, like a face mask when it tightens as it dries is not very comfortable. Layers and layers of dried jizz? Baked on dried jizz. Desert hot dried jizz? Maybe she could peel it off and eat it. Jizz Jerky.
Holly: I'd think it would be more crispy, like potato chips, no? Mmm, week old jizz potato chips.
Katiebabs: I am so scarred at this moment in time. I will never look at the WISE owl the same way again.
Tracy: Ok - after rubbing his "jizz" as you put it all over her for a week and her not having a bath it wouldn't really be HER feminine musk now wouldn’t it? It would be his. Ok, a mixture of both, but still! Ah the old west! Gotta love it!
Little Alys: Oh, could we stop with jizz jerky? It's a horrid imagine and now I think of glue (like when were kids and use to dry glue on our hands just to peel it off).
DA Jane: It's a human salt crust. When you peel it away, the meat is all juicy and tender underneath. I think it’s the fountain of youth.
SB Sarah: dunno, I think "jizz jerky" might be the new trend in erotic romance.
Agent 69: Mmm, the horse thing. I could see how it would be possible. But, I don't see how it would be a good BJ. Too many variables at work. The horse's gait, the contortionism, etc. If she is small and he's big I guess she could sneak under his arm, but she'd be uncomfortable as hell while doing that, and who wants to read about a BJ where at least one person isn't having fun? Was this the first time she'd done it? Maybe if this was a regular part of her repertoire, with other guys maybe? then she could do a credible job. But the first time? Like I said, doable, but not that enjoyable, unless you're the guy. They seem to like it no matter how inexpertly it's done. Does she deep throat him at all, or just keep it relatively superficial, you know just sucking the head or something? Cause the deep throating is the part that would be really hard I'd think. A lick or two sure, but anything more would be really hard.
DA Jane: I pretty sure you just described how all the cirque de soliel acrobats do it.
Katiebabs: These are very interesting questions I didn't think of. It was her first time and she swallowed it like it was water, probably because she was so thirsty because they haven't bathed in days and were all dusty and the bodily fluids were being rubbed in their skin. I may never eat pudding again.
DA Jane: Oh, so the blowjob was like a medical necessity. Of course, it all makes perfect sense now. She had to do it or they might not live.
Agent 69: Well, if she was that thirsty, I could see it as a life-saving last-ditch maneuver. Pretty much this exchange has ruined pudding for me. And while I wasn't a big jerky fan to begin with, I will never eat it again. Potato chips are now on the iffy list. And I will never call anyone a lard ass again without laughing till I cry.
Kristie(J): This reminds me of a book I read years ago - either Hotel New Hampshire or The Word According to Garp - where the wife is giving another guy a bj in the car in the driveway. The husband drives in the driveway real fast and smacks into the back of the car. The wife's teeth chomp down and bites said instrument right off.

And this says it all:
Jen B: Hotmail just told me I have "sent the maximum number of messages allowed in a 24-hour period". Shit. I'm so pissed. Hotmail just *grounded* me. Sonofabitch.

Katiebabs (KB)