Wednesday, September 03, 2014

I’ve always been almost way too open here.  I’ve shared things that after I posted I think to myself “I can’t believe I wrote and posted that!  And here I go again with probably the same response after.


I have suffered from depression for years.  I’ve blogged about it before.  No biggie in a way, so many people do, and I’ve been able to hold it at bay for quite some time with medication.  But the medication gradually stopped working, I think I’d say about 6 months ago, and I’ve slowly, without really realizing it, started suffering the symptoms.  I reached the bottom on the weekend just past.  It was a long weekend and I sat in my house with the air conditioning real low, covered in a blanket, wearing dirty clothes when I bothered to get dressed late in the day, the blind closed and watched mindless television – I mean we are talking Naked Dating and Keeping up with the Kardashian.  It doesn’t get much lower than that.  At the same time I was having a full blown junk food pig out, anything to keep me from ‘feeling’ anything.  Over the past 6 months I’ve pretty much put on all the weight back on I worked so hard to get rid of and Monday was my rock bottom.  It’s hard to put into words the horrible sense of being overwhelmed by the most simplest of things are.  Things I could handle with both hands tied behind my back are beyond me.  Before I went to the cottage, packing my luggage was beyond me and I left it until the morning of and then just threw stuff in – dirty or clean – it didn’t matter.  Thank goodness the cottage had a washer and dryer and others were constantly doing laundry.  I still haven’t unpacked yet and that was over a week ago.  My luggage is still sitting in the living room.  I seem to have fruit flies and rather than pulverizing the little buggers with my vacuum and then a bit of kitty litter, I’m crying over them.  My bathroom renovation guy was supposed to start my bathroom on Tuesday, but I called and postponed it because I haven’t been able to do housework – even though I desperately want to – and I couldn’t have him working in my house the way it looks now.  I was supposed to get my car sticker renewed by August 11th but I still haven’t done it.

I’m managing to go to work as I love my job and coworkers and weird as it sounds, work is my ‘safe place’ right now.  But I did call in sick yesterday; not physically sick, but mentally and emotionally sick.  No matter what I’ve tried nothing works and I did something even worse with bad results I can’t even think about without feeling sick to my stomach about.

So.  After I called in sick yesterday with the thoughts of doing housework so I could have Reno guy in to do my bathroom and I STILL just sat there not even moving, I realized I’d hit rock bottom (or so I thought but that goes with the last sentence in the above paragraph).  We have an Employee Assistance Program but I didn’t have the number so I got dressed – no makeup, no bling, no hair fixing – and came into work.  It was obvious that I was a mess emotionally wise.  But I did get through the day, in fact I even worked late.  I called and have an appointment with a counselor today so I’m leaving early for it.  I did literally fall apart here at work earlier today and my Manager got me the name of a doctor and I also called them to get in for more medication.


So, I will blog about my journey back, hoping that it might connect with someone reading who is going through the same thing.  Although I can’t imagine it at the moment, I have to believe it can be done.  The thing about depression is it’s hidden.  Outwardly I seemed happy and my normal easy going self except the weight gain.  But on the inside, where no one can see, I am/was falling apart.

To be continued


azteclady said...

We have all heard about 'functioning alcoholics' but we seldom talk about people who are clinically depressed who manage to get through the day--the work day, that is--for years and years.

Yes, Kristie, you can come back--you've done it before, and every time you take that first, most difficult step, you are doing it again.

I hope the counselor you see today is a good fit for you, but if not, please do not give up and look up someone else who, hopefully, is.

If you want to talk, at any time, email me at azteclady1 (at) gmail (dot) com

Lori said...

Sending lots of love. I'm so glad that you decided to take advantage of your EAP and reach out to your online community. Hang in there - you know you have a whole crew behind you!

Statch said...

So sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm looking forward to hearing about your journey back, and so glad to hear you're taking advantage of EAS. I have a close friend who suffers from this, in very much the same way you're describing. Maybe part of your future blogging on it could address how friends and family can help (or at least not hurt!). I struggle with not knowing what to do.

Limecello said...

Love you Kristie!! (((hugs))) So sorry to hear you've been going through this. And I hope sharing about this helps. Know that I (we!) are all out here to support you and love you!

And hopefully the new doctor is a good fit and you find a new med that works. I know how difficult all this can be.

I'm always here for you - text, email, twitter, whatever! <3

nath said...

Hang in there Kristie! So sorry to hear you're not feeling well :( But I'm glad you're sharing with us, because we're here for you.


Rosario said...

Sending you lots of love, Kristie! I hope the counselor you're speaking to (spoke to?) works well for you. We're here for you if you need anything xx

Brandy said...

Sending love and understanding. I sincerely hope the counselor can help.

AnimeJune said...

I've started going through it, so this post means a hell of a lot. For me, it was more anxiety and panic. The last time I went to Book Expo, I was so terrified and depressed that I just cried in my hotel room, and I was so terrified of allergies that I literally ate nothing but bananas and yogurt! I was scared to shake hands, to touch door knobs!

And I'm totally with you on work being a safe place. When there's someone else (i.e. a boss) to give my day structure, I can go through the day and do everything and feel accomplished. But structuring my own day, well, forget it.

I'm getting better at it, too. With my me it's more "face the fears" since my sadness goes hand in hand with my panic. I went travelling alone for the first time since my NYC panic attack, and came back feeling way better - about everything, even unrelated things. I'll pray for you and keep reading your blog!