So – I made a call today. I’ve found myself spiraling out of control again since before Christmas and rather than feeling better, I’m feeling worse. It’s like I’m standing on the precipice of this huge dark hole and the least little thing can push me into it. And rather than a comforting dark hole, this one is filled with monsters.
My ‘thing’ about opening mail is getting worse. I used to be able to open some mail – such as bills, but now I find them even overwhelming. As I’ve lost total control of them, paying them is somewhat ‘off’. I did open one last week from the hydro stating I had overpaid them by over $150. The cable and phone on the other hand, I don’t think I’ve paid in a few months now.
The voice mail on my phone is full. I don’t answer the phone a lot of time unless I recognize the number. I need to clear it, but again the thought of doing that is overwhelming.
It’s even getting bad when it comes to email. I have 250 unopened emails and a number I have opened and NEED to respond to, but *sounding like a broken record* it’s overwhelming me.
I love my job – love it. But more and more I’m finding it harder to go to work – and I’m not sure why. I’m on the ‘watch’ list now directly related to some of the side effects – severe pack rat tendencies and the inability to ‘let go’ of paperwork.
I’ve suffered depression off and on for a number of years now and I’ve blogged about it before. But part of me can’t wrap my head around that fact. Srsly – I’m one of the happiest people I know. I deal with just about everything with laughter. If I do say so myself, I’m a hoot to work with. While everyone else is complaining about this or that, I’m annoyingly sunny about it all and it’s hard for others to get me to complain. So it doesn’t make sense that a person like me can suffer from depression.
I was hoping it would go away after Christmas, but it’s getting worse. I hate living with the despair I’m feeling inside. I’m not my normal self at work and people are starting to notice.
So I made a call to arrange for counseling to help me. I’ve been before and I’ll more then likely go again in the future. I’m also planning on visiting the doctor for a review of the medication I’m taking. I probably need a change or something.
Another factor resulting from or caused by depression is loneliness. Living by myself, it gets pretty quiet around the house. And part of me just wants to withdraw more, which leads to greater depression, which leads to being even more withdrawn. It’s a vicious circle.
Another sympton I've noticed is anger - unreasonable, wierd, anger. I told my coworker yesterday that I wanted to beat someone up - no particular person - just someone and after she backed away from me *g* I knew something was off kilter. I do have old dishes I think I'll break in lieu of. But anger isn't a feeling I'm comfortable with. Another reason I know it's spiralling out of control.
I’m not really sure about the reason for posting this here. Part of it is to help work through – that yes; this condition can affect anyone – even annoyingly happy people. It’s also to let those I owe emails to that I’m trying and if I’m late responding – it’s me and not them.
So to those who I said I would help with special events – I’m truly sorry I bailed out. If I’d been able to do it, I would have.
To those I owe emails too – I will be getting back to you as soon as I can – I promise.
Even making that call yesterday helped – knowing that I’m taking control again and working on getting this handled
And another reason I’m going to publish this post is to let others know that depression can affect anyone – even the most seemingly cheerful of people. It’s a sneaky thing – creeping up without the sufferer really being aware of it. And it's very difficult to live with. If anyone suffers from it, they know what I mean.
The person on the other end of the phone suggested I journal how I'm feeling. I'm just not sure she meant for me to journal for the whole world to read :)
Oh - and it's my turn at Access Romance today for anyone who got confused *gulp* (now you can see another reason why I've gotten into trouble at times lately at work - lack of concentration or paying attention)