Thursday, January 15, 2009

So – I made a call today. I’ve found myself spiraling out of control again since before Christmas and rather than feeling better, I’m feeling worse. It’s like I’m standing on the precipice of this huge dark hole and the least little thing can push me into it. And rather than a comforting dark hole, this one is filled with monsters.
My ‘thing’ about opening mail is getting worse. I used to be able to open some mail – such as bills, but now I find them even overwhelming. As I’ve lost total control of them, paying them is somewhat ‘off’. I did open one last week from the hydro stating I had overpaid them by over $150. The cable and phone on the other hand, I don’t think I’ve paid in a few months now.
The voice mail on my phone is full. I don’t answer the phone a lot of time unless I recognize the number. I need to clear it, but again the thought of doing that is overwhelming.
It’s even getting bad when it comes to email. I have 250 unopened emails and a number I have opened and NEED to respond to, but *sounding like a broken record* it’s overwhelming me.
I love my job – love it. But more and more I’m finding it harder to go to work – and I’m not sure why. I’m on the ‘watch’ list now directly related to some of the side effects – severe pack rat tendencies and the inability to ‘let go’ of paperwork.
I’ve suffered depression off and on for a number of years now and I’ve blogged about it before. But part of me can’t wrap my head around that fact. Srsly – I’m one of the happiest people I know. I deal with just about everything with laughter. If I do say so myself, I’m a hoot to work with. While everyone else is complaining about this or that, I’m annoyingly sunny about it all and it’s hard for others to get me to complain. So it doesn’t make sense that a person like me can suffer from depression.
I was hoping it would go away after Christmas, but it’s getting worse. I hate living with the despair I’m feeling inside. I’m not my normal self at work and people are starting to notice.

So I made a call to arrange for counseling to help me. I’ve been before and I’ll more then likely go again in the future. I’m also planning on visiting the doctor for a review of the medication I’m taking. I probably need a change or something.
Another factor resulting from or caused by depression is loneliness. Living by myself, it gets pretty quiet around the house. And part of me just wants to withdraw more, which leads to greater depression, which leads to being even more withdrawn. It’s a vicious circle.
Another sympton I've noticed is anger - unreasonable, wierd, anger. I told my coworker yesterday that I wanted to beat someone up - no particular person - just someone and after she backed away from me *g* I knew something was off kilter. I do have old dishes I think I'll break in lieu of. But anger isn't a feeling I'm comfortable with. Another reason I know it's spiralling out of control.
I’m not really sure about the reason for posting this here. Part of it is to help work through – that yes; this condition can affect anyone – even annoyingly happy people. It’s also to let those I owe emails to that I’m trying and if I’m late responding – it’s me and not them.
So to those who I said I would help with special events – I’m truly sorry I bailed out. If I’d been able to do it, I would have.
To those I owe emails too – I will be getting back to you as soon as I can – I promise.
Even making that call yesterday helped – knowing that I’m taking control again and working on getting this handled
And another reason I’m going to publish this post is to let others know that depression can affect anyone – even the most seemingly cheerful of people. It’s a sneaky thing – creeping up without the sufferer really being aware of it. And it's very difficult to live with. If anyone suffers from it, they know what I mean.
The person on the other end of the phone suggested I journal how I'm feeling. I'm just not sure she meant for me to journal for the whole world to read :)

Oh - and it's my turn at Access Romance today for anyone who got confused *gulp* (now you can see another reason why I've gotten into trouble at times lately at work - lack of concentration or paying attention)


nath said...

Awww, Kristie :( Well at least, you're not in denial. You're acknowledging your problems and taking steps to make it better and that takes great courage.

I wish I lived closer so I could help you. I hope that counseling will help. In the meantime, can't you ask someone to help you with your bills? One of your sons perhaps? Wouldn't want them to cut electricity - not by this temperature.

Amy said...

KristieJ, I'd wondered what you meant by your comment about opening mail on my blog about resolutions. I wish nothing but the best for you and truly hope you can beat this. I see echoes of my father's problems in some of the things you've described. He's started to acknowledge his problem and now knows that he needs help in overcoming the loneliness and depression.

You can beat this, girl...

Portia Da Costa said...

Oh Kristie... So sorry to hear how down you are, but at least as nath says, you're facing the issue and doing something about it. Even just writing your post is a step.

I know how hard that 'frozen' feeling is, when the simplest of tasks seem unsurmountable, and things start building up. It's awful. But maybe if you can just do one smallish thing, the sense of achievement will help you to do the next, and the next. I find that helps me... Do just a little job and it makes you feel you've made a bit of headway and that gives you strength to tackle the next thing.

You're in my thoughts. Hang in there, mate.



Lea said...

Hey Kristie:

So sorry to hear your not feeling improved. But, kudos to you for identifying that your symptoms are exacerbating and seeking help.

I get the sense that you know as well as I that the worst thing you can do is keep spiraling downward without treatment, then it will be that much more difficult get turned around. And, if posting about it helps then by all means, post. Thats the beauty of blogging, it allows anonymity and a forum to "vent" a little if someone so chooses.

Your totally right, medical and mental health are part of every human being's overall "wellness", and both deserve equal recognition.

I do hope you feel better soon Kristie!

Warm Regards

Marianne McA said...


Anonymous said...

Aw, Kristie! I think we have all had stages where we feel extremely over stressed and over worked. I know I have atleast. My opinion of counseling is that it's a great idea. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to you rant and rave if nothing else.

You can't always do that with friends or family because they MAY take it to heart. But a counselor? Who cares if you curse up a storm! That's what they are getting paid for.

Feel better, Kristie. You are such a sweet and usually chipper lady, I don't like to hear that you are down. Just like everything else in life this will pass. Hang in there :)


Cheri2628 said...

I am only someone who has "run into" you on the web, but I still want to send positive thoughts and prayers your way! I think you are on the way to beating this. You are facing it, talking about it, going for counseling, and possibly changing medication. You can have your own little support group here. Have you thought about getting a pet? If you are a believer in God, have you thought about getting involved in a church? Do whatever it takes to take care of yourself because you are worth it.

Hugs! :-)
Cheryl (aka Cheri)

C2 said...


PeggyP said...

Kristie, listen up, it's the middle of friggin January and it is un-friggin American not to be depressed in January & February. These months were created to suck your soul & spirit out, why?, I do not know, it's just the way of the world. I'm in a major deep freeze outside of damn Cleveland and it wouldn't matter if it was sunny and 60, it's still January (& damn Cleveland for crying out loud) and it sucks! I've upped my Wellbutrin dose but I won't be better until April 1st, that's just the way it is.

Take it day by day, that's all any of us can do and be extra good to yourself, you deserve it!

AnimeJune said...

Big ((((hugs)))). You're in my prayers, Kristie J!

Katiebabs a.k.a KB said...

Much hugs and kisses.

Kerry said...

It's a huge step to take, acknowledging you're at a point where you need to ask for help. And you've asked for it. Good on you. I send you every good wish and hope things start improving very soon.

azteclady said...


If and when you feel like it, know there are many here who understand where you are.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

sula said...

*hugs* I know and I've been there. And you ARE doing the right thing by proactively seeking help. It may take little steps one by one, but it will get better. You should definitely feel ok about blogging your feelings. That's what a journal is for.

Hang in there and keep pushing forward. We're there for you. :)

Christine said...

((Kristie)) I think its really great that you've picked up on some recent changes in yourself and have already reached out for some help. That alone supports the fact that you are a strong woman and won't go down without a fight! I have confidence that you can work through this and get to a better place.

I also think it's wonderful that one of the reasons you wanted to publish this post is because you wanted " . . . to let others know that depression can affect anyone – even the most seemingly cheerful of people. " This is so very true and I think it's simply inspiring that you've brought your own personal struggle to the forum of your blog in hopes of educating and helping others. I hope writing this post was a little therapeutic for you as well.

Lots of love,

Rosie said...

You aren't alone and are absolutely correct when you say there are lots of people all around us suffering in silence or with laughter.

I love you Kristie. You make me so proud.

Carolyn Jean said...

Oh, Kristie, I hope you feel better soon. That is so cool and brave of you to see what you need and take care of yourself like that.

Ann Aguirre said...

I think it's great you're taking steps. May you be granted the strength you need to fight through to the other side.

Wendy said...

I'm not going to be as eloquent as everyone else - but yes, go talk to someone. You need to talk to someone. If only to get it all "out there." Best of luck to you chica!

Lori said...

As always, I'm in awe of your inner strength (and yes, you have it in spades!). Hang in there, do what you need to do to be healthy and happy. We're all here for you.

Tracy said...

I so glad you made a phone call and are getting the help you need. I suffered for years from a depression and I understand your symptoms completely. I feel your pain. Keep us posted on how you are. We all care about you and want what's best for you. {{Big hug}}

Jill D. said...

Kristie, I am sure at some point in everyone's lifetime they have experienced the same thing you are currently going through. I know I sure have. The words overwhelming and despair definitely bring to mind how I felt a few years ago. I think it is very good that you are going to counciling. It will help you get down the the root of the problem. Know that you are not alone and you CAN get through this.

Renee said...

I'm so glad you are getting help! That is definitely a first step out of the overwhelming cycle.

Also, there are non-profit agencies that assist with helping getting financial affairs in order. About 10 years ago, drowning in credit card debt, we were able to get debt counseling that really helped us out. (Consumer Credit Counseling Service was ethical and a godsend.)

I hope you keep us up to date with you you're doing. There are obviously a lot of people around here who care!


sybil said...

right there with yah honey, hope you feel better soon hon

if it makes you feel better it took me 49 days (I know this cuz my mom counted) to turn in my change of address

she wanted to know if that was my way of trying to pretend that I didn't HAVE TO MOVE WITH MY PARENTS RIGHT BEFORE I TURN 33

she might have had a point

le sigh, of course I am still not opening most of the mail... baby steps hey but I haven't had any seizures or black outs since nov 16 *g*

get better babe no matter what we will be here, always ;)

Bev(QB) said...

Kristie, I swear I thought a lot of what you've mentioned was just the result of reaching a certain age. Kind of like menopausal brain chemistry changes that we just have to live with. It never occurred to me that there could be another reason. I say this because I seem to be going through some of what you are, just not to the same extent or degree.

BTW, one thing that has lifted a HUGE weight off my shoulders is doing my banking on-line and setting as many bills as possible up on auto-pay or at least on-line payment. I even make sure to keep a higher balance in my checking account instead of putting extra in savings because the peace of mind is worth losing a few bucks interest. Seriously, just doing that got rid of a whole lot of my sense of overwhelm.

In any case, {{{HUGS}}} to you. Get the help you need, get the real life support you need, and know that you've got a whole lot of on-line support right here too.

Kate said...

Big hugs to you. I'm humbled by your courage.

And a good therapist is worth their weight in gold. I hope you find an excellent one. They're pretty amazing. And you are too.

Donna said...

Hey Kristie,

I'm so sorry to hear about how you feel!

Just wondering, does your depression happen more in fall and winter? Is it possible there's a seasonal element (SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder)? My mom uses light therapy to help lift her mood. Also, I've heard, tho' you can't tell by me LOL - that exercise, even getting out (brrrr) for a walk is good. What is true, is that it always lifts me up when I get out for a walk.

Do you like video games? And if you have, have you ever seen Wii? Believe it or not, Wii Fit is a blast! Exercise that's fun!

As for work... would it help to tell a supervisor or manager (whichever applies) what you're going through, and that you are taking active steps to get back on track?

If you like music, have you thought of singing karaoke? Strange as that sounds, it's fun and it lifts your spirits and you meet the nicest people at karaoke! I go out almost every weekend, and when I don't I have friends in to sing (we've got our own machine)

I'm thinking of you, Kristie... keep taking active steps to lift yourself up!


CindyS said...

Isn't it all just a sneaky bitch? As vigilant as I try to be it can be months before I realize my anxiety has taken over again.

I'm sorry it's gotten so bad. I hope the counselor gets you in quick so you can start to heal.


Anonymous said...

hey girlie girl - its moi!! alison!! (i know-im excited just saying it)lol im ready to beat anyone up (preferably at work) how bout we head out for a beer or sumpin like that after work sometime?? i could use it and i know you could too......c u tomorrow at work...yippeee!!

smooches - ali
ps - hang in there sunshine, things HAVE TO get better!!

Stacy~ said...

{{{{Kristie}}}} I haven't been around for the last several days but I do want to comment and let you know I'm thinking about you. I think you're very brave for facing your fears, and for talking about them. It can't be an easy thing to do, but you're doing it. I know you're going to be okay. You have A LOT of people who truly care very much for you, and we all want to do whatever we can. Never forget that, 'k? Love ya.

Holly said...

I agree with everyone else that it's good to talk about it. Getting it out here is a great way to start and I think you'll be surprised by the number of people who suffer from the same thing - or a variation.

I've been suffering through my own form of depression lately. I think a lot of it has to do with finding myself without a job for the first time in...too many years. I wonder if yours isn't a result of the colder weather.I know I used to suffer from depression in the winter when I lived in South Dakota. Not being able to go out as often and the lack of sunshine really do make a difference in your mental health.

We're here for you babe! ((((HUGS))))