Saturday, January 24, 2009

Ramblings

So - I had my first appointment with the therapist yesterday morning. I wasn't sure how it would go after a ghastly beginning. You see the appointment was for 8:00 in the morning - it was going to be an hour and I didn't start work until 10:00. It would take about half an hour to get there - going through downtown traffic and only having a general idea of the building. I set my alarm clock for 5:45 since I don't really like too move to fast in the morning and I like to do blog hopping while drinking my morning tea. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that I had set it to go off at 5:45 PM!! I woke up and glanced at the clock and did a huge Yikes, followed by a loud 'SHIT!' (yes - at times when the occasion calls for it, I do use curse words - heh heh heh)
It was 7:05!! That gave me 25 minutes to get ready and get out the door. Since I'm a morning shower person, I knew I didn't have time for the whole shower thing but I had a severe case of bed head - that's what using wax in hair can cause!
But - I did make it in time. Mind you I felt grungy and blechy from not having my morning shower - not the way you want to feel when having one's psyche examined.

Blechy = not good.

But it actually went very well - very well indeed. She seems to think it's my anti-anxiety, anti-depression medication that's gone out of whack. She says the one I'm taking is quite an older one and they have come up with quite a few new ones in the past few years. She wants me to go see a head doctor and try something different and then come back when I'm back in whack. She said if anti-depression medication works - it works real well, but if it's not effective it can actually make the problem worse.

She did a depression test and the results were I was slightly depressed. I didn't want to argue with her - but I consider it more then slightly - a lot more than slightly actually. Then she asked when my last physical was and I said I didn't remember and she replied that I need to get one I slightly freaked out. You see - I know this, but knowing and doing are two different kettles of fish. I said I would (and I will) when I'm not so off kilter.

I told her all kinds of stuff - about losing my husband a couple of years ago - she seemed quite impressed that we were married for almost 32 years; about losing my job a couple of years ago and how I truly believe that Ron sent me to where I'm working now as his way of still reaching out and taking care of me. I told her about the trouble I've gotten into at work due to my considerable case of pack-rat-itis and how I feel like I'm being punished and she told me to look at it a different light - that they have recognized my 'issues' and are trying to make things easier (which they are - but it still feels like punishment).

I told her all about Krisite - my alter ego and she seemed quite amused. She asked me if I could have anything in the world - what would I want most. I told she would probably think I really was a mental case - but I told her what I want most in the world is a REALLY, REALLY great kiss with a lot of tongue work - 'cause it is quite honestly. After she finished laughing, she said a lot of women want that kind of thing - although she didn't put it in quite those terms. Men seem to want to skip the preliminaries and get straight to the main course - but the idiots don't seem to understand that by NOT skipping the preliminaries, the main course will be ever so much richer - if you get my drift.

And then she said something that for some reason made me feel really good - and I'm still feeling good. She said I was adorable. She said it more than once in fact. I don't know why that made me feel so good but it did. I was telling a friend at work later what she had said and my friend said 'well, you are.' And I don't know - that made me feel even better. Maybe because I tend to focus on the negative aspects on me and not the positive a lot of the time.

And since this post is titled ramblings and that's what I'm doing, I'm going back a couple of paragraphs - back to the kissing thing. Goodness knows I loved Ron - still do and always will - but I have to dock points for his lack of attention to this detail. He just wasn't that into it. He didn't care for it and I always got the feeling when he did kiss me, he was just 'humouring' me. And since I've been pondering on this part of the conversation yesterday and what I want most in the world, I've been pondering on the best kiss I ever had. I was 17 or 18 - 17 I think and I met this guy. Sadly I don't remember his name. We didn't really date or anything but he was the first guy to give me a slip of the tongue and Oh Mama was it wonderful. He was a couple of years older than me and man oh man could that guy kiss like a dream!! Talk about wet panties!! Not that he knew about mine - we didn't go that far or anything. But it was wet - but not too wet - and deep - but not too deep and luscious - oh so very luscious. And I'm thinking how sad is it that the best kiss I ever had happened when I was 17 and a mere babe; that the height of my kissing came before I even hit my 20's. Damn, but that's not right :-) So if there are any guys reading this (snort - as if) my advice it to go home 0r if you are at home - just kiss your woman damn it!!

The therapist asked me what I wanted to get most out of counseling and I told her not to feel this way, to get over my pack-rat-itis and to be able to open mail. In a follow-up to the mail thing, I got a call from my neighbour across the street this morning and she said - very nicely - that I might want to check my mail box as there was a large package in there. See - in that area I'm getting worse. Not only am I not opening it - I'm not even checking for mail. Yikes!!!!

26 comments:

MB (Leah) said...

Wow, I totally admire you.

Lea said...

Kristie:

Sounds like you've got a good therapist there and zeroed in on the issues right away which is great.

Excellent advice with respect to the medication.

I hope you begin to feel less overwhelmed and much improved soon.

By the way, great *smoochies* story and advice.

Take Care

Cindy W said...

Kristie- BIG HUGS to you!!!!

sounds like a great counselor, and I think getting this off your chest will help. Good Advice.

I think maybe you need to dress your cute self up, go to a bar, have a few drinks and get one stolen HOT kiss. Doctors orders!

Wendy said...

Dang Kristie - check your mail because that package might be books! And what could possibly be a better mood lifter than books?

Most definitely, see about your medication and get that physical! I'm a fine one too talk though since I'm also way overdue for one myself. Sigh

Kristie (J) said...

Wendy: LOL I did check the mail after Ruthanne called and there was a big package - but not books - well not in the romance sense. It was a package of booklets and things from the Employee Assistance Agency through which I'm getting counseling. And *big grin* if I'm not mistaken, we had a conversation about how we need to get our yearly check-ups in either Dallas or SF.

CindyW: She really was good - set me at ease right away and even better - she got my rather bizarre at times sense of humour.

Lea: I thought she was quite good at thinking it's the medication and telling me what I need to do to check to see what else is available. I already feel better than I have for a while - I think just doing something about it helps. And if I were the same person I am today then I was when I first got married at the Very Tender age of having just turned 21 - I would have MADE Ron taking kissing lessons or something - with me of course! No preliminaries for me - no main course for him!

MB(Leah): *blushing* Thank you. This isn't just for me - it's for others too who might find themselves in the same kind of leaky, sinking to the bottom boat.

Bridget Locke said...

First off *hugs* Depression sucks, doesn't it? It sounds like you've got a great therapist though, which is awesome.

Secondly, your kissing story cracked me up. At least in the sense of telling your male readers what to do. My best kiss was with my first boyfriend. That man could kiss. Not wet (as in too much spit) and his lips were firm, yet soft. *sigh* I miss that. It's amazing how a great kiss can make a girl feel better. :)

Cindy W said...

Kristie, I didn't even ask how long it's been, read my comment and thought HOW inappropriate!!!!

Hugs

sula said...

So happy to hear that you were able to see the therapist and it sounds like she had some good suggestions. Just to talk to someone has to be a good thing.

And I love your honesty as regards the smooching. It's true...men can be awfully quick to hit the main course without going through the hors d'oevres. I will always remember my first kiss as my best, actually. It was with an Austrian guy in Vienna...a total romeo (duke of slut) that deflowered my lips because I asked him too and not because we liked each other. Damn, that guy could kiss. *sigh*

Anyways, I hope you start to feel better. Bit by bit, day by day. Just take it one moment at a time. *hugs*

Christine said...

Hi Kristie!
Thanks so much for sharing your first session with us. What you are going through is very serious, but I just wanted to point out to you that your post includes both some funny and very sweet parts to it, and that made me so happy to read that. The part about the kiss? Adorable! See!? There's that word again! ;)

I know you're going through a difficult time, but you are doing what you can to help yourself and that is a huge accomplishment in and of itself. I know with the right help--that you're obviously already pursuing--you can overcome this thing! Much love to you! xoxo

Barbara said...

Kristie,

Sorry I'm late. I'm usually on top of your posts...Anyhow, congrats on taking the step to make yourself feel better. I agree with your therapist, from what I gather from chatting with you--you ARE adorable!! You are so passionate about all things that you love, it's almost too cute for words :)

About kissing...funny thing, my husband is BIG on kissing. He could kiss and kiss and, well, just kiss for hours. I guess I'm a lucky gal then.

LOL, I've been with my husband since I was a teenager so really he's all I know--or all I need to know. I suppose I'm a bit spoiled because I always assumed all men are like that. Like my husband.

Okay, seriously, I'm off to give him the biggest smooch ever right now!!!! :D

Barbara said...

Oh, and one more thing....

(((BIG HUGS)))

CindyS said...

Kristie - I swear to this day it was a councilor that saved my life. They can't give out meds or anything but they have an innate ability to find the problem fast and offer solutions that are viable. My therapist said to me I could get better the impossible way (the way I was going) or the hard way (help with meds). Turns out she was right on the money cause it was hard enough with the meds!

I had a boyfriend at the tender age of 15 and we dated for 2 1/2 years. Since I wasn't that kind of girl the only action he was getting was lip. And so I learned how to kiss very, very well - if I do say so myself. Why? Because of the men I've kissed since then - they all declared they loved me right after. Yep. I'm that good ;)

Luckily my man does like the kissing cause I wouldn't have it any other way! And yeah, he may be older than I am but I taught him a thing of two about kissing. He taught me the rest ;)

Cindys

Allison('s)Reads said...

Kristie, thank you for sharing. Take care of yourself.

Amy said...

Kristie, just remember -- a lot of people think you rock, and there's only one reason for that. Because you do!

Sending big hugs and wishes for nothing but the best out of this for you...

Kristie (J) said...

Bridget: It would be nice if more men took that into consideration - but I don't think this little old blog is the place where they will ever read that Most Excellent Piece of Advice...*sigh*

Cindy: *laughing* it's OK - it IS what I want. When I said that to her she said she was sure it would happen - maybe not with Brad Pitt although I was tempted to say that I'd pay him if he would. But then I thought - no, if I'm going to pay someone to kiss me, there's someone else who I would rather add to his coffers. (and I'm thinking it wouldn't take too much thought to guess who *evil laugh*)
But she has a great sense of humour, which is wonderful.

Sula: It did help a lot to talk about it. Of course there were serious moments too - like discussing my much darker thoughts. Talking about them was good - 'cause I don't tell anyone about them.

Christine: All my family have always handled things with humour. As long as I can still laugh and chuckle about things - I know I'm not totally a lot cause.

Barbara: Oh you lucky, lucky, lucky girl you!! A husband who loves to neck. While I don't want to get married again - I sure would love to find some guy who loves to do that when I'm ready. And nope - not all men are like that. You done good in your choice ;-)

Cindy: It was SUCH a relief when she told me what to do and how to go about switching meds. I've been on the same ones off and on for years. I've tried a couple of others in between but they were worse then nothing. The one kind I only took for 3 days 'cause they turned me into a total non-functioning zombie!! The fact that I will be seeing someone trained in them rather than a GP is excellent. And *chuckle* lucky you and lucky Bob.

Allison: *smile* Thank YOU for visiting!!

Amy: Again - the blush. Thank you.

MsMoonlight said...

You're an inspiration and I love your ramblings, so please ramble on!

Tracy said...

Kristie - I'm so happy to hear that YOU were happy with your first session. It's so nice to have a therapist that you can connect to. And you ARE adorable - she was totally right on that.

Kissing - ahhh kissing. I love to kiss. My hubby likes to kiss if it's gonna lead to other stuff but otherwise it's just a peck. After 17 years you think I could have re-trained him, but no. Men are how they are and we love em anyway. :)

And open that package! Wendy might be right - it could be books - woohoo!

Lori said...

Just adding my good thoughts along with everyone else's. It sounds like a god first session. And I remember having that same conversation about kisses with you at RWA, LOL.

Yup, you definitely want to keep opening the nice pretty rectangular shaped packages in the mailbox. Who knows when Lisa will send you Smooth Talking Stranger?

Cheri2628 said...

Dear adorable Kristie, I really enjoyed reading your post today. It was sweet and funny and full of positive steps that you are taking. Definitely change your medication and do NOT put off getting your physical. At your age (and mine) it is so important to get yearly physicals.

Set up a goal for yourself- once you get yourself more "together", get involved in a singles group and meet another good man who will kiss you and hold your hand and just be there for you. A man can be an aggravation, but if you can find the right man he can be the rock that you need.

Too bad we can't all get together and have coffee and chocolate cake...or a margarita. ;-)

Cheryl (aka Cheri)

Kristie (J) said...

Ms.Moonlight: I do get rambling on occasion *g*. One of my mottos is why say in 10 words what you can say in 100. Of course then I think 'I can't believe you just SAID that!'

Tracy: I think any training we do is best done in courtship mode - unfortunately we don't know what we need to train until we are long past courtship mode. 'Tis a dilema. And your very handsome hubby is willing to do is part for the preliminaries ;-) That's still more then a lot of women get.

Lori!!! I Remember that conversation too!!!! As you can see *laughing* I'm still waiting for it :-0

Cheryl: *sigh* My sisters nag me about getting physicals too - in fact Nance, my youngest sister nagged me on the phone last night even. Part of the trouble is I hate my doctor with a seething passion so I need to find a new one - but a number of people have told me where I can go to get a new one. The doctor I have has a terrible reputation and whenever I tell someone her name - they've already heard bad things about her.
And I'm touched that you enjoyed the post. It does feel good inside to begin to turn pro-active.

azteclady said...

I have been mulling over this wonderful post of yours, Kristie, and I have to tell you this: adorable you are, but also courageous.

It takes some really great big ovaries to put such a personal thing out here, knowing full well just how public your blog is.

Particularly because you are not an exhibitionist--you are doing this both to help yourself and to help others.

Courage, you have it in spades.

I am honored to know you--even if at present is only electronically.

Rock on, Kristie.

Stacy~ said...

Good for your Kristie. It sounds like things went well, and I hope you left the session with a sense of anticipation of things getting better. But don't put too much pressure on yourself. Things will fall into place at their own speed.

You've really been an inspiration and I know many people in blogland (not to mention I'm sure those in your life) had faced their own fears because of what you've shared. Be proud of that. You're not just helping yourself, but other people too :)

Tracy said...

unfortunately we don't know what we need to train until we are long past courtship mode.

Oh honey ain't that the truth! lol

nath said...

((Kristie))

You've made the first step :D Rest should be easier! :)

sybil said...

YOU are very adorable *g*

::hugs::

Kwana said...

I love the word adorable. Sounds like a good session. Definitely check for boxes. Probably books. Always good news there.:)