So - you may not have noticed me around much these past few days. I was feeling great after meeting with the therapist. I felt like I was getting back to normal again - but alas - such was not the case. These past few days have almost been worse then ever. I've altered between wanting to either sleep the time away, cry the time away or filled with a rage that almost frightens me. I've wanted to lash out in anger over the most trivial of things - a red light that holds me up on my way to work every single day, having to go to meetings a work, things that come up at work. It's been quite an effort to keep it inside at times. I don't feel like talking to anyone at work and I just want to yell at them 'shut up and leave me alone' but of course I can't do that.
Depressed doesn't even begin to cover it. Each day has been an effort to get up, get dressed and go to work. The only way I've been managing it is in chunks. I've been telling myself 'just go to work in the morning and you can go home in the afternoon', then 'if you just make it through this afternoon, then you can take tomorrow off.'
And it's so unlike me 'cause I really do love my job and the people I work with and there is no reason why I should be feeling like this. 'Tis most frustrating I tell you.
I haven't spent much time on the computer and while I'm missing everyone like crazy and don't want to not be on (that one will take some figuring) I just can't seem to get up enough energy.
I am still following the plan. I went to the doctor on Monday and got a referral to a Mental Health clinic. He also said I should double up on my anti anxiety/depression medication - which I did to no effect. If anything it seems worse! My appointment was today and after talking things over with a nurse and explaining everything I'm thinking and feeling, a psychiatrist came in and gave me a script for another medication to start taking. Unfortunately it was a 3 hour wait at the drug store and I was already out of energy so I'll get it tomorrow and start taking it.
I just want to start feeling like 'me' again. I don't want to want to lash out at poor unsuspecting people who are totally unaware of how much I want to take their heads off for no reason other then the fact they are speaking to me. I don't want to drive through a red light just because I hate getting stopped at Every Single F'n Day!! I don't want to wake up in the morning and dread heading off to a job I love and most of all, I don't want a large part of me to just think I'm feeling sorry for myself.
Blecchhh - I don't like this place I'm in right now.
It totally sucks.