Friday, January 30, 2009

So - you may not have noticed me around much these past few days. I was feeling great after meeting with the therapist. I felt like I was getting back to normal again - but alas - such was not the case. These past few days have almost been worse then ever. I've altered between wanting to either sleep the time away, cry the time away or filled with a rage that almost frightens me. I've wanted to lash out in anger over the most trivial of things - a red light that holds me up on my way to work every single day, having to go to meetings a work, things that come up at work. It's been quite an effort to keep it inside at times. I don't feel like talking to anyone at work and I just want to yell at them 'shut up and leave me alone' but of course I can't do that.
Depressed doesn't even begin to cover it. Each day has been an effort to get up, get dressed and go to work. The only way I've been managing it is in chunks. I've been telling myself 'just go to work in the morning and you can go home in the afternoon', then 'if you just make it through this afternoon, then you can take tomorrow off.'
And it's so unlike me 'cause I really do love my job and the people I work with and there is no reason why I should be feeling like this. 'Tis most frustrating I tell you.
I haven't spent much time on the computer and while I'm missing everyone like crazy and don't want to not be on (that one will take some figuring) I just can't seem to get up enough energy.


I am still following the plan. I went to the doctor on Monday and got a referral to a Mental Health clinic. He also said I should double up on my anti anxiety/depression medication - which I did to no effect. If anything it seems worse! My appointment was today and after talking things over with a nurse and explaining everything I'm thinking and feeling, a psychiatrist came in and gave me a script for another medication to start taking. Unfortunately it was a 3 hour wait at the drug store and I was already out of energy so I'll get it tomorrow and start taking it.
I just want to start feeling like 'me' again. I don't want to want to lash out at poor unsuspecting people who are totally unaware of how much I want to take their heads off for no reason other then the fact they are speaking to me. I don't want to drive through a red light just because I hate getting stopped at Every Single F'n Day!! I don't want to wake up in the morning and dread heading off to a job I love and most of all, I don't want a large part of me to just think I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Blecchhh - I don't like this place I'm in right now.

It totally sucks.


Anonymous said...

oh Kristie I really worry about you and for you. My Brother has informed me his depression meds are not working and yesterday he almost beat a guy up. So I am learning more thru him on how much the word "depression is taking over lives" I really hope the new meds work. Remember people care, you have at least 6 in a group that do anyhow.
take care Lori B

Renee said...

I have noticed your absence, and missed your posts!
I am glad that you've posted today, and just expressing yourself here is a positive step!
I'm also glad that you've been following up with your mental health plan.
I hope that you will be taking the next step tomorrow, getting your medicine.
I also hope that you'll be feeling like "yourself" again, real soon!
((hugs)) Renee :-)

Kristie (J) said...

Lori: It really does suck - suffering from depression - and the rage really is scary!!! I often feel like I'm just hanging on by my fingertips in not letting go and giving into it. My heart goes out to your brother because I think it would be even harder for guys as they don't tend to talk about 'feelings' a whole lot. Ron suffered from it for years before he started opening up to me about it and it really did affect our marriage since I had no idea what was wrong with him and kept thinking it was something I was doing wrong. And I didn't start getting it myself until later in life - so when I did - and the two of us were both being bothered - my what a fun couple we were *rueful grin*. But I think - at least from knowing Ron - guys tend to be affected more on the anger side and women more on the sad side. Part of me wishes I could just give in to a good cry and that might relieve it a bit - but it's kind of like a sneeze - you want to - really, really want to - and you know it will make you fell better - but it just won't come unless you put pepper up your nose.

Renee: And I MISS visiting so much too - but when you're in a real funk - isolating myself it a big symptom. And I will be back tomorrow - it's Nath's Reread challenge day - and unlike the TBR challenge which I missed - I have reread a book - a very good one! At least I think it's tomorrow. The nurse asked me what today was and how old I was and I couldn't answer either question with certainty.

Rosie said...

Ah, babe. I wish I could see you and hug you up tight.

Anonymous said...

Kristie, I don't talk about this but I want you to know you are not alone. About three years ago I went through something similar after suffering a miscarriage.

It had gotten so bad I was even suffering panic attacks because I was so overwhelmed. It didn't take much to make me stressed either. The line was too long at the store--I'd be overwhelmed. Cleaning, cooking, all the normal things just seemed like too much.

I didn't want to get out of bed let alone get dressed. I would cry at the drop of a dime and I just kept thinking that it would never get better. I would never be me again.

But I did get better, Kristie, and so will you. Just give it time. We don't become stressed or overwhelmed or even depressed over night. It's a build up of emotions and actions, and just as it took time to get you to this stage it will also take time to get out of it.

I wish you the best, Kristie. You're a sweetheart and you will be in my prayers.


Katiebabs a.k.a KB said...

I wish I had the right words to make you feel better.

nath said...

Miss you a lot Kristie!! So sorry you're feeling down :( But we're here, so if you ever need us, just let us know!

sybil said...

hey babe,

1 thing
work... they know what all is doing yes? So if you come in and need to take half a day or something that is ok? They sound pretty understanding so I think you want to be sure to keep them informed. Don't be fighting this on your own if you can help it.

I would say see if you can take time off but I think from what you say and what I know about you trying to go in and getting out around people is prolly better for you.

2. Try and remember medication doesn't start to work overnight and side effects can make you feel worse before you feel better. The Topamax I am on now I had to start at 25mg and go up 25mg a week for 2 months. It was horrible. For the first three weeks I wanted to play in traffic and honestly... it was bad... you didn't know if I was going to start to laugh or cry when you looked at me. If it wasn't for the fear the black out and memory loss caused me and the fact there is close to an hour of my life I have no idea what happened (not to mention that I had been driving my car less than 10 mins before) I would have thrown my hand up and said nope can't do this.

But the seizures have scared the shit out of me in a way the migraines and depression never have plus I was on the topamax for 2 1/2 years before so I knew I could get past the special kind of crazy at some point.

MY point is it has taken me over 2 months to get to a point where I can think, hold a thought for longer than 20 mins, read a new book and retain it and blah blah blah (there are a HELLA lot of side effects). So don't give up on anything overnight or a few days.

3. There are a shit load of meds out there to help. If one doesn't work another will, if that one doesn't another will.

4. This is just a set back. It sucks right now. Let it suck and be ok with that don't worry about it KNOW that it will be over and gone soon enough.

5. When you can set short goals - SMALL ones and don't do more. It will sound stupid to many but when I get to the point where the mail is in boxes, the table is over flowing, and simple things just make me ill and ashamed I run. I close my eyes and don't look at any of it. And it is never as bad as I think it will be or as I build it up in my head.

My mothers way is to tackle it head on and that makes me just panic and FREAK.

I have to go in small doses. So I will set a goal a day for a week or so and than once that is done and generally once I start to get a bit better I will start to set two or more or whatever. The point is more to complete it. Check something off, see it done and let it go.

OF course that works for me something else might work for you and others are prolly shaking their heads going freak ;)

No matter what it will get better because it always does even if it has to get a bit worse first. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that sometimes and that is the hard part.

But the HARDEST part I find is remembering you are not alone.


ReneeW said...

Great advice from Sybil. I worry about you too. Just know that we are all pulling for you and loves you lots. Here's a note to cheer you up - I finished Broken Wing and loved it! Thanks for recommending this buried treasure. Trying to write a review but I suck at that lately. Lots of hugs for you!

Christine said...

Your road to recovery is just that, Kristie-- a road. You can't get there in one step, you know? It's a process, a path, a journey. Your loved ones (including those of us here in blog land) are here to support and encourage you every step of the way. Hang in there!

Cindy W said...

I have noticed you not here this week, and it's okay. So many ladies have mentioned great advice. Baby steps, I like how you keep on saying just this... just this... it's progress. Hang in there. Saying prayers and sending big hugs your way, Cindy

Anonymous said...

((((hugs))) So sorry you are having such a hard time right now. You might think this sounds crazy, but it worked for me. I had the "baby blues" years ago, and while I did the meds, they didn't "cure" me of the anger and not feeling like me and in control (have I mentioned I'm a control freak?). My "cure" - now don't think I am nuts, I can explain- was kick boxing! lol When I got angry and frustrated during the day, I would tell myself I would work it out later- this calmed me so I didn't go into full panic attacks- which were also an issue for years. When you kick-box you have to imagine a target in front of you to aim at. Well the idiot who cut me off on the road was the target for a while, then an obnoxious co-worker or a crappy weather day or a pile of laundry- anything and everything was my "target" during a workout. After punching and kicking my target for less than 30 minutes (home dvd-no gym membership) I felt SO much better! I took the meds, saw the therapist and beat the crap out of everything that bothered me with kick boxing at the end of everyday! Does that sound nuts???

Anonymous said...

Kristie, I noticed your absence and my heart goes out to you. Try to remember that you're not alone.

And as I learned from my best friend (and as sybil already wrote), who started to take medication against her severe depression a few days ago, it can take several weeks until the medication kicks in. Hang in there!


Cheri2628 said...

Sending prayers and hugs your way!!!

Strenuous exercise might help you work off the anger. You could jog or walk briskly while you listen to a book on tape. You could buy a dance/exercise DVD. I would also recommend a punching bag...seriously!

Hang in there, girl! We will be your little support group here.

Cheryl/Cheri :)

Wendy said...

Mostly what Sybil said ;)

Baby steps and small goals - both of which are good. Push yourself forward. One step, two steps, then three steps. And yeah - give that new medication a little time to kick in......

Kristie (J) said...

Rosie: I wish you were here to - to give me a hug! Of course it would also be nice if Richard Armitage were too :)

Barbara: (((Hugs)))) The nurse asked me what I wanted most and the simplest way to put is what you said - for me to be ME again. I quite like me - even Krisite me as long as she's not too angry - but this depressed alien who has taken over - not so much :(

Katie: Well - I will get there oh yes I will. I've been there before so when I do - you won't have to think up words :-) because then I won't need them!

Nath: well - you're reread challenge has me moving again - and that's a good thing!

Sybil: Those are Wonderful words of advice!!! Yes - they are quite good at work and my supervisor is somewhat in the know so I do have that option, but as you say - for me - it is better to work even if it is difficult to make it some days. I am learning that breaking down a day helps rather than looking at the whole day - if I can get up and have a shower, then I can make it to work. If I make it to work, I can make it through the morning, if I can make it through the morning, I can make it to the afternoon - etc. etc. And I have been down this road before and made it back - better then ever. Though in the past it wasn't quite this bad or long - but I'll blame the weather (it's been a REALLY long winter!! and a really bad Christmas following a work "incident" that's still bothering me. And I do have a follow-up with the doctor in a few weeks and also with the therapist. They also gave the number for a grief counselling group I'm going to call.

Renee: I've been checking for your thoughts on it *g*. I'm glad you enjoyed it!! And yes! Sybil gave great words!

Christine: *chuckling* But I WANT to get there right away!! But yes *sigh* it is a road. I just have to remember that it didn't get this bad overnight - it slowly crept up on me - just like those extra pounds we all hate - and it won't go away over night.

CindyW: True - but *snicker* when I hear baby steps - even though it's true - I keep thinking of the movie with Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfus - What About Bob.

Ms. Moonlight: No - it makes great sense. It's a very good way to get rid of that anger - and it's healthy and good excersize to boot!! You get to unleash and no one gets hurt. I'm pretty sure there is a punching bag downstairs - the boys left a lot of stuff - so I should check and see and do a Mohamed Ali impression myself.

Taja: I've been on this one kind for a couple of years now - so hopefully it won't take too long for this new medication to kick in - and hopefully it will do the job.

Cheri: Well - as I already mentioned, I'm pretty sure there is a punching bag. Mind you - there is a lot of stuff in the way - not to mention that the boys broke the light trying to change a lightbulb - but since it's their mess and their screw-up - I should get them over to make some room and get me some light. It's way too cold her to do anything outside - but I could start inside.

Wendy: well - I'm doing stuff now rather then just letting it get worse - so that's a big step in amongst those baby steps.

Amie Stuart said...

Aw Kristi!!! Not sure i can add anything else to what's already been said. Please don't forget you're not alone....and please get a checkup. Get those hormone levels checked! They could very well be playing into/adding to your depression and rage. Been there, done that :(

Also (putting on mom hat) make sure you're getting fresh air and sunshine and eating good! A nice healthy diet with lots of fruits and veggies!!! Don't know about anyone else but eating crap makes me feel like crap.

Dev said...

Kristie ~ You're definitely not alone! I can't go without my meds or I feel like I'm falling down a dark hole. I hope by now you're feeling better ~ I'm a little late catching up with everyone.

azteclady said...

Kristie, I haven't stopped thinking about you and praying for you.

Been there, still dealing with it, you know?

What Sybil says makes a lot of sense to me, but like anything/everything else, take what works for you and run with it.

CindyS said...

I think the med change will make a huge difference. For me, once a medication stops working, they can double dose or anything else, it won't work again. I figure your body is now used to the current med you are on. Also, meds can make things worse when they aren't working properly. I went on too high of a dose of Effexor and went completely numb in my mind. I would think 'I should get up off the couch' and hours later I hadn't moved. When I decided to go down on my dose my mood completely changed and I could move again.

Thinking of you always! If we don't hear from you in the next week, we'll be coming here for ya ;)


ag said...

Just want to send across a big {{HUG}} to you and let you know that you're not far in my thoughts and prayers.

One small step at a time ...