I am a wee bit disturbed.
Who am I kidding?
I am a whole lot more that just a “wee”. After reading
Raine by
Elizabeth Amber, there is a whole lot of wee-wees abound in this book. Double your pleasure? Why not triple your pleasure? Because the heroine has her own penis and the hero has two.
Nope, not kidding in the least. I thought the tree sex book of 2007 shocked me silly, well welcome to 2008 folks and the world that Elizabeth Amber has written.
Raine is the second story in her Lord of Satyrs series. This is an erotic historical paranormal romance from the Kensington Aphrodisia line that likes to push the envelope. And when it comes to erotic, especially paranormal, lines are crossed, I totally get that. But there are some things you just don’t touch and Raine crosses so many lines that I couldn’t decide to laugh or gasp in horror at what I was reading. I will state my case and you can decide if I am being too cruel or this is one heck of a sexy book where three penises to share are better than one.
Raine is the middle brother out of three who must find his mate and bride. Raine has been married before and it was so disastrous that he really doesn’t want to do it again. Me thinks his first wife may have been a tad uncomfortable when she found out Raine has two willy wee-wees for her pleasure. See, Raine’s mother was a bad woman who had an affair with Lord Satyr, some sort of fairy king. Raine must travel to Venice to find one of the Faerie daughters of King Feydon. So off to Venice Raine goes.
In the first chapter we meet Jordan, our half fey heroine who is being drawn by an artist. She is naked and must undergo this every birthday.
Jordan is not happy:
“I’ve been sitting in this position for so long I’m stiff as a sailor’s cock.”
Jordan is very vocal as you can see. She must do this for a doctor because she and her mother are basically being blackmailed. Jordan is not a normal woman. She has a big, big secret and does not live her life as a woman, but rather as a man. Jordan is a hermaphrodite!
Every birthday she must put her body on display for the scientific community in Venice by an unscrupulous doctor. She is considered a freak and an abomination. Jordan has the whole package, even though it is a bit small. Raine just happens to be in the same place where another lecture is being held. And what do you know, he just happens to go and see Jordan in all its… er her glory. And Raine is quite turned on.
For the first 50 pages, it is all about Jordan, her/his anatomy and if she can function and is subjected to be touched and looked up. But Jordan is able to escape with the help of Raine, who doesn’t mind that Jordan has an extra part to play with. And Jordan loves that Raine treats her like the woman she wants to be.
Now, I tried to keep an open mind and treat this as an erotic romance between Jordan and Raine, even though they had some major body issues between them. But honestly, I couldn’t get past the purple prose that was virtually on every page.
Need an example?
“His cockslits (WHAT IS A COCKSLIT??) gapped, readying. His throat worked and a rough shout escaped him as his hot shafts wrenched, hard, in unison…
“His man-cock fountained his gift into the void that was her yearning womb…
“In abrupt unison, Jordan’s cock and vagina seized. For long seconds she hung on the edge, hardly able to bear the fullness of her emotions, the fullness of her feminine channel and the tightness of the channel squeezing her cock…. Near blindness wrought by pleasure as she came as both man and woman in the same moment….
Raine, Jordan and the case of their luscious wee wees. Not my cup of tea as you can see. Any takers on a rebuttal review?
Katiebabs**Monday update: I posted a condensed review of Raine over at Amazon, much like the other reviews there, but unlike the others, I gave it a one star and a D- grade, unlike the majority that gave it 5 stars. Just now I went to go look at my review and it is missing. The same thing happened when I posted my review for Lord of the Deep 4 times overall and they still won't post it. What does this say about Amazon???** BITE ME!
I am a wee bit disturbed.
45 comments:
Oh my. It is a nice cover. :D
(I couldn't think of anything else to say)
Well, that cover is... um yup.
Buns of steel.
OH COME ON! I hate this stuff with a passion. Eck. Eck.
Thanks KB for taking one for the team. Blech. Blech.
Er. A cockslit is the slit at the top of the man's winky. It's, you know, the eye of the one eyed snake.
What what what?! Three penises? Cockslits? I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Laughter seems to be winning though. WOW. Why would anyone have two penises? And top that winning plotseed off with a (fey?!) hermaphrodite lover? I understand striving for originality, but come on!
I'm kind of tempted to buy this book, knock back a few beers and have a good ol' laugh fest.
Thanks for reading and reviewing Katie! This has totally made my day. Bwahahahaha!
I am speechless.
Too bad LLB has said she's dropping the "purple-est prose" category from the AAR favorite romance contest in 2008 -- from the excerpt it sounds as if this book might have won easily.
Hey! Hermaphrodites are people too! I wouldn't mind a Hermie for a H. Yeah, I know I'm a freak.
Having said that, the excerpt was pretty unreadable so no thanks!
I'm with Seton - I could totally get into the whole hermaphrodite as heroine aspect - but gotta say I'm kinda bothered by the fact that she's living as a man prior to hooking up with Raine. Translation: All it takes alter your sexual identity is a guy with two wee-willy-winkies. But I'm probably reading too much into that....
But again, like Seton, that prose just leaves me cold. The word "yearning" seriously turns me off. It just screams "purple" to me....
Katie, that review was hilarious. I laughed out loud several times and had to explain to my husband what I was laughing at. Yeah, I will definitely pass on this one, but your review cracked me up. (Still chuckling)
*MK making the "icky" face*
Do what now??? Wow. I'm speechless. Except to say, "Ewwwww, yucky!"
You're a BIG, HUGE giver Kate. Give, give, give.
Wow. *passing the brain bleach*
I am all about giving MK :)
And I didn't even mention about the sex crazed bishop who wants Raine as his love slave.
Ah - yep - that's taking one for the team all right.
Hilarious review!!
OMG, that is so scary! The word "cockslits" is just gross. And is "man-cock" really necessary?
This is one of the things about stepping into the world of Erotica that scares me.
This book was absolutely atrocious, I couldn't finish it. You know, after reading your review I realised that I never ever, ermm, "saw" the purple-prose. I guess I was so grossed out buy all those body parts I ignored everything else. Didn't someone say there was an enema scene later on in the book? I stopped after they went to his homestead.
"Any takers on a rebuttal review?"
Um, no.
Jane A.
Holy. Crap.
Oh come on Katie-Babs. Don't tell me you had no idea what kind of book you were getting into. If the "blurb" on the back of the book didn't clue you in, I don't know of any "serious" reader who doesn't browse through a book before they buy - it's just human nature. So the book was even more sick that you thought it would be?? Big deal!! And thanks a bunch for the imagery that will stick in my brain. Couldn't you have just said "This is one sicko book - stay away!!!" Are you surprised when you read soft-core porn that it turns out to be sicko soft-core porn??? It's going to be quite a while before I have the stomach to visit this particular blog again. I used to quite enjoy reading it - too bad.
Fancyme, you're a fucktard.
Sorry, I had to say it.
Anyway, I loved the review, but I'm not adventurous enough to want to read a book where the her/heroine is a hermaphrodite.
And any book where any of the characters have more than 1 penis is basically a 'life is too short to read this' type book for me.
I forgot to ask, did you actually finish it?
FANCYME: I honestly had no clue that Jordan was THAT type of character from the synopsis at all. I would never think that the heroine of this piece would have a penis. Heck, I was actually fine with the hero having two. I thought it would be about of hero going to find his half fey bride and they have a lot of hot sex and magic, etc.. Almost every page was about Jordan's interesting sexuality..
The imagery that sticks in your head is straight from the book and I was trying to be a little funny about the whole situation.
And I never said if it was soft-core porn, I said I was shocked and disturbed.
Sorry you feel that way.
An enema scene?!!? I may have blocked that out. *shudder*
Karen S: I will be honest, I read to page 280 and started to skim the rest because by this time I was way beyond shocked. Every time it was mentioned about Jordan's twp penises, I would start laughing hysterically.
This is not my type of book, as I also said in my review so if you enjoy this, more power to you. I am more a of a one penis man and woman how doesn't have such dangly bits.
An enema scene?!!? I may have blocked that out. *shudder*
I'm speechless. What's the hell is hot or sexy about an enema for God's sake???
Wow, Kate, I thought you were a giver before. Now I'm worried if reading the book has given you nightmares.
Oh, wow! My mind is officially boggled.
You know, I had seen this book excerpted at another blog, with a nice review. After reading only the blurb, I thought I might try it. Like Katie(babs) I had no major problem with the two penises hero--but having three penises and one vagina between two people is stretching my willingness to suspend disbelief well past the snapping point.
So, huh, no thanks.
Thanks for this very fine review!
I would be worried, personally, that when you have 2 people having sex with three penises between them, one or two of them might get squished during all the action, you know?
Because that's a lot of penises to keep track of!!
Okay, now you have me doing math. The man has 2 penises and one hole. The woman has two holes, and one penis. Is that how they have sex? Each penis in another hole? KB, could you supply us with a diagram? I think your readers would really benefit from that.
CJ: The lovely ladies at Book Binge had some lovely diagrams a few weeks ago when they invited Meljean to their blog, so maybe one of them can help us out? LOL
Actually if you think of it, Jordan would have three holes to fill. But if Raine used his two willies on Jordan and than stretched in a certain way, then Jordan's wee...but do we really want to go there?
You are right! How could I have overlooked that other hole!
Here is a little known fact about me: I have a boiler operator's license, from when we used to own a condo. A condo neighbor, Jen, and I took the test to save the building money on insurance. Long story. Anyway, there is this one steam boiler maintenance technique called "blowing the tri-cock." Jen and I never tired of asking each other if we'd blown the tri-cock recently.
"Actually if you think of it, Jordan would have three holes to fill. But if Raine used his two willies on Jordan and than stretched in a certain way, then Jordan's wee...but do we really want to go there?"
No, we certainly don't want to go there--but now, thanks to you, I'll have that in my head for only God knows how long! arrrggghhhh!
Would the cockslit be a fourth hole?
Yes, I went there.
ugh ugh... ack!!!
You evil, evil... YOU!!!
Oh man, and I thought the tree sex guy was bad. I may just have to read this book to see if it can top it. way to take one for the team, kb!
so I'm trying to work out the logistics of this in my mind...but then again. mebbe not.
CJ, blown the tri-cock recently? (no, really, I just had to ask)
Delurking to say OMGOD! Wha-? At least the cover is nice? *g*
Welcome Brandy! What a way to have you join us. Heh heh.
See what they need is to have a menage with a regular girl. Does that math add up? I. Don't. Want. To. Know.
So, Katie, turns out she's blogging on Friday at LifetimeTV.
I'm gonna have to ask her how she does her research, LOL!
MK: OMG!! Whatever will she talk about?
Amazon? it's a great store, but frankly, there's no point whatsoever in reading the reviews there. None.
Could it have been the word "hermaphrodite" or two wee-wees that did me in?
Snort.
I liked Raine and the first book, Nicholas. Thought the ideas and writing were fresh and good. I started D. Thompson's Lord of the Deep, but haven't finished it. I know someone else who really did like it though, so ya never know. And that was some HOT cover. (I think I read somewhere that D. Thompson (sp?) recently passed away?) Sarah McCarty, I just bought your Promises Linger and am looking forward to it. I've heard great things!
Wow...well, you gotta give the author props for being creative. Perhaps a bit TOO creative.
Ugh...don't think this one is for me, although it does have a nice cover.
And you mean I'm supposed to flip through books before I buy them? Erm, I hardly ever do that, to be honest.
Late as always to the topic but um wow, just wow, way to take one for the team.
Raine - no
Lord of the Deep - no
keep the reviews coming b/c you are one of the few people I trust when it comes to reviewing I always know I will get the straight story!
Really 3, wow...
Sarai: I am here to serve the community and give warnings against hermy books and the like and of course fabulous reads. :)
That is just so beyond wrong...really.
three for one makes lots of fun :D
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