It's late at night and I having one of those times when I don't want to go to bed because then I'll start thinking about things. I've been off work for a week now. Ron doesn't have much time left; I can tell. He mostly sleeps and when he isn't sleeping, we just sit quietly together. He's taking massive amounts of pain medication and it makes him very tired.
The baseball game is coming up on Sunday but I don't think we will be able to make it. I can't explain how my heart breaks for Ron that he probably can't go. He loves baseball and he loves the Jays. After the game, the team he has helped coach will be playing in Rogers Centre. This would be a dream come true for him. He's been a baseball coach for over 20 years now; coached both our boys for years, and for him to coach third - well it would be indescribable to him. But it's a 2 hour drive there and then the Jays and the Mets play. Then it's his teams turn to play and then a 2 hour drive home. It's an effort for him to even get dressed now. If we do go, I know that this will take everything he has left out of him.
I told the boys on Fathers day how little time there is left. I found out a while ago but Ron doesn't want to know. But I felt I had to tell them so they could spend time with him.
When I think about things, the pain is indescribable so for the most part I don't think. But every so often, like tonight, it catches me unawares.
I have loved this man for 32 years now. I fell in love with him the night I met him and that has never wavered. We've had rough times; I think every marriage has, we even split up for a year, but we worked through things.
He is my love and my friend and my anchor and I don't know what I'm going to do without him.
Blogging and reading are what's keeping me sane these days - and keeping my mind busy. I'm having a hard time with emails though. I just don't seem to have the words a lot of the times for those. So any that I owe - be patient. I read them all and they really do help so very much - but my replying part is a little tricky. Some days even breathing is hard.