I'm about to say something that many will find hard to believe. And I don't want to offend anyone - what I'm about to say is my own personal thoughts and opinions. But I'm putting out a warning that this might upset some.
This gets worse for me every year - and this year is the worst so far.
I don't like Christmas. I don't like Christmas A LOT!!
Every year I start getting cranky around mid-November and it gets worse and worse as we get closer. This year it's so bad I'm going to have to double up on my anti anxiety medication until I get past it. I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingertips and could fall into a huge hole at any moment. I'm zoning in and out a lot - mostly I'd rather be zoned out. I want to hide away in my bedroom until it's all over and life can get back to normal.
There are a number of reasons I have such a difficult time. The first being the very purpose. It's gone - totally! Christmas is supposed to be a celebration on the birth of Christ - but it's just not 'done' anymore. I first noticed this when the boys were in public school and they weren't allowed to have anything to do with the Nativity at the risk of 'horrors' offending any other religious group.
Hello! What is Christmas supposed to be????????????????? It's supposed to be a celebration of a special day in the Christian religion - except it's anything but anymore. And I find the whole thing insane!! While I don't know that much about other faiths, I don't think - at least I truly hope - that they haven't taken the meaning out of 'special holy' days and times the way they have stripped Christmas of any real spiritual meaning.
Instead now it's supposed to be when everyone comes together and has one touchy feelly day of goodness, when families reach out and mend fences, when for one day were are all supposed to smile and behave like Hallmark People.
I call bullshit on that. Instead it's a time when family differences are magnified, where drama and hurt feelings take over and people are torn in many pieces. It's when families with the slightest dysfunction dread what's going to go wrong this year. And let's face it - what family doesn't have some degree of dysfunction?? I was talking to one good friend at work today and her family lives out of town. She is dreading the holidays because of family conflict that gets worse for her each year. She doesn't want to go home because of the drama she knows is to come and I'm sure this kind of thing is played out in many a family.
Oh, I know - I hear sentiments on the radio - it's all about the children. I call bull shit on that too I'm afraid. Unless one has very young children who don't know any better, many parents beggar themselves buying WII's, cell phones, I Pods, Plasma TV's etc. etc. etc. etc.
I wonder what on earth that has to do with the birth of Christ.
Year after year in my own case, I agonize over what to get everyone, never satisfied that I've gotten the right thing. I put such a heavy burden on myself that by the time the Big Day arrives, I'm a total basket case. And of course then there is the joy of taking months to pay off the credit card bills I've racked up on things I know that I got wrong.
I hate it when people ask me what I want. I rack my brain trying to come up with stuff. But I'm satisfied with what I have. Sure there's always something I might want - but if I don't get it, my life, as I know it, won't end. I always want to say nothing. I don't need anything. I just want to say get me something you think I might like - and don't spend much.
And as bad as it's been in the previous years, it's nothing compared to what it's like now. I ache - soul deep - in missing Ron. It's especially difficult this time of year coming home to an empty house. He's supposed to be here, at least making it bearable for me, but he isn't. It was his birthday yesterday - he would have been 55. Instead of coming home and seeing him, I had my own case of family drama that's zapped me of any emotion except great sorrow.
I'm worried about my sons - especially the oldest one. He works in the auto industry and as of Monday he's being laid off and has no idea when he will be working again. He says not to worry - but I can't help it.
I don't mean to sound self-pitying - I'm just using me as an example.
I work in the health care industry. I see people diagnosed with cancer every single day - many I know who won't recover. This is my weekend to work and today alone I got two calls about people who had just passed away last night and today. So what is Christmas going to mean to them in the coming years?
Maybe if we got back to basics I wouldn't be so bitter about the whole thing. But the rampant consumerism of this whole time makes me ill. It seems when they mention it on the radio, immediately it's followed by how the retail industry is doing. The fact that people die because of greed in being one of only a few to get a certain electronic devise that is marked down drastically in price. What the hell does that have to do with the birth of Christ? But wait.... we can't go back to basics can we? Because - at least in Canada - and probably parts of the US, we aren't supposed to dare mention what December 25 is supposed to really be about.
And as sad as it is, peace on earth is just a pipe dream.
There, I've said it. This has been tough to write because one just isn't supposed to feel this way. But as much as I hate to admit it - this is what I feel and it just grows and grows every year.