Thursday, April 22, 2010

Yep, it's that time again. And a really dumb question

It's that time when I answer my spam mail in a 'public' forum. I don't have as many fun ones this time 'round. It seems that the vast majority of my spam are offers ranging from 75% to 87% - 87% (?) off viagara. And they are all kinds of boring. But I do have a few fun ones:

Elizabeth Pittman says " Hi we have Is it to small"

My response: Elizabeth - I have read this a number of times and really, it doesn't make any sense. The best I can do is guess what it means and thus my answer - I don't have an It.

ismetulamraja says "Virilying your bulge"

My response: ismetulamraja (where do they come up with some of these names by the way?) besides having an almost unpronounceable name, I think you have just made up a word. Again I had to guess and my response is similar. Not only do I not have an It, I don't have a bulge. Oh I have bulges alright, way too many much to my dismay, but not the bulge I think you are referencing.

Gavin Kearns says "Why settle for what you have"

My response: Gavin, while it's true we all would like more - more money, more books, more whatever, on the whole I'm happy enough with what I have and I'm not going to open your email to see if I want more of an It or a Bulge.

Dafamco says "Dip into passion ocean"

My response: Dafamco, I'm a widow. If I dip into passion ocean, I'll be dipping in alone. Unless you can come up with someone to dip into it with, I think I'll just stick to small lakes.

Alec Holloway asks: "Do you have $6 ?"

My response: Yes. ...... Oh wait! I bet you want to sell me something for $6. Sorry, not interested.

Helen Bush says "cccccccccc"

My response: dddddddddd. Your turn. Though I have to be honest, this is kind of a boring game.

Toyota Promo says "Congratulations"

My response: Yours doesn't seem outrageous or funny, but considering the troubles you seem to be having lately, I think I'll just stick with my Chevy Cavalier.

ELENA Neely says "For your rod's spirit of verticality"

My Response: ELENA, first off, I find it a bit odd that you would capitalize just your first name, but *shoulder shrug* to each their own. Again, I must respond that I don't have an It nor a bulge nor a "rod" - if that's what you are referring to - and that's what most spam mail does mean I think. And second - spirit of verticality?????? Is that a word and do they have their very own spirit now? I know we joke they have the 'small' brain, but now they have a spirit too!!

Errol Castro says "Your wife will love it"

My response: I'm not a wife. I wouldn't mind one in a platonic sense of the word. It would be ever so nice to come home to a clean house and meal ready for me. I know, I know - that's terribly sexist isn't it. I realize that. But that would be the only reason I would want a platonic wife.

Susan Jeffers says: "Remeberances my new address"

My response: Susan, I have no idea what you could possibly be trying to say to get me curious enough to open you spam mail. Although - maybe you're a genius and that's the point! Regardless, I'm not going to do it. And yet again, according the red squiggly line under the word rememberances, you have also made up a word.

Eddie Newsome says "All men need this"

My response: Eddie, let's be honest with each other. All men need A LOT of things. And avoiding being sexist again, I'll confess, all women need a lot of things too.

Efrain Lowery says "too busy to go back to school?"

My response: Yes Efrain, I am. I went back to school about 12 years ago and while I loved it since it was my choice to go back and not something I had to do, and I met a great group of women I still connect with, I'm not interested in doing it again. I have a job I very much enjoy and I'm at a point in my life where I wouldn't mind taking evening courses for my own interests, like the creative writing courses I took a couple of years ago, I'm not really interested in starting the whole "school" thing over again.

And there you have it! My spam mail is empty and now I can start a brand new collection of the wacky and the funny.

Now for the really dumb question. I'm headed to Columbus next week - it should almost be a song title shouldn't it? Anyway, I'm driving - from Southwestern Ontario by myself unless anyone else from this neck of the woods is headed for the RT convention and is stuck for transpo. Which reminds me - I have to get some good tunes to listen to - Black Eyed Peas I Gotta Feeling and maybe some Lady Gaga. And because I'm getting more and more excited daily, odd things occur to me. And this is one I'm wondering about. I plan on just parking at the hotel. When I get there, do I drive to the parking garage and haul my luggage up? Or do I stop at the parking entrance, take out my luggage there and a parking valet takes care of parking my car and retrieving it for me if I go outside the hotel during the week. I've always flown before and car stuff wasn't an issue.

I know this is way overplayed - but I love it anyway!


Zita said...

I would recommend you call the hotel to see if they even have valet parking, otherwise you could pull up and leave your car in front with the keys in it...and no valet. I'm thinking that's not a good scenario. Unless you are trying to get rid of your car for the insurance money and plan to buy a new one there, taking advantage of the current dollar exchange rate.In that case, by all means, leave it out front for the "valet" to move. I won't tell. =)

Bev(QB) said...

Kristie, I would advise that you first go onto the hotel's website and see what type of parking is available and how close to the registration desk it is. Also, consider how much luggage you'll have- can you schlep it through the parking garage by yourself in one trip? If not, I'd go with the valet parking when you first get there so they can load it up onto a luggage cart (be prepared to tip). Then if you need the car during the week, tip for them to bring your car but then park it yourself when you get back.

Oh, and some advice based on RT 2006- stock your room with water, fruit, crackers, etc. that you can grab for breakfast or between panels and events. Seriously, there is so much to do and so little time to do it, that it seemed like there was barely time to eat or change clothes or sleep.

BTW, did you map your route yet? Will you be coming through Northeastern Ohio?

Kristie (J) said...

Zita: *laughing* Considering I spent almost a grand getting it road worthy - it was in installments and the car was in rough shape anyway - wheel bearings busted, muffler gone, tail pipe hanging by a thread, I'm not ready to "arrange" for anything to happen to it until I get my money back *g*. But good suggestion - I will phone and find out.

Bev: I can schlep - my luggage has wheels!! in one trip. It's these little things that pop into my head as I settle down to sleep that get me wondering :-)
And I have map quested, trip tiked and GPS'ed - spent last evening downloading maps into the Garmin but I don't think I'll be going that way - I'm heading either through Detroit or Sarnia/Port Huron - still not sure which one yet. Would that route be on the way? I'm open to a bit of meandering.

Frannie said...

Kristie, you spam replies were so funny. And thanks for the BEP video - hadn't seen it yet, but have been listening to the song a lot while out walking. Safe trip and have a blast at the convention. Good luck with parking/luggage - great advice from Bev and Zita.

Bev(QB) said...

Well crap on a cracker, I was afraid you'd be taking the western route through Ohio. I'm clear over on the eastern edge just a couple of miles from PA.

You got your RT luggage down to just ONE big suitcase?! How did you manage that? In 2006 I had TWO FULL suitcases (one was even overweight) plus a hella heavy carry on! And I FLEW to Florida.

Okay, I might have overpacked a bit (ya think?), but RT 2006 was in Daytona so I had all the business casual clothes for panels, the outfits and costumes for the themed parties and balls (damn fairy wings), and then outfits for hanging around in the Florida weather. Plus I shipped a big ol' box of books home from RT.

If I ever go again, can you come pack for me? ;-D

Kristie (J) said...

Bev: I think I'll end up with two - one big and one small - and lots of empty bags to fill with books that I can load in my car during the week. So with Big Purse on my shoulder and pulling a piece of luggage in each hand, I figure one trip should do it *g*. And yep, I'll probably way over pack too. I have before. And damn! You're on the other side of the state :-(

Frannie: Some of them are just too funny not to share!! I usually get better ones - this latest bunch was rather thin pickin's. But it's a hoot trying to think up replies to them :-)

Susan said...

I always pull up to the front door of the hotel, lock the car and go in and check in. Then I grab a luggage cart and get my stuff and shlep it up to the room. (You can ask at the front desk for someone to help you if you'd rather.) Then I return the luggage cart and park the car.

CindyS said...

It also depends on how much tipping you want to do. I always find that awkward - if it's underground parking I use the valet - aboveground I park!

Hope you be giving us updates as you can!


Susan said...

Hi, Kristie. My 17-yr-old daughter sent me a link to your blog. Love the twist you give these things! I get so many of them, but they do not seem to be quite so imaginative as yours are, or downright dumbfounding in their extraordinary lack of literary acumen, as yours are. Thank you so much for the laughs. And have a great time in Ohio. Some suggestions. Having gone over both bridges, (Detroit's Ambassador Bridge and Sarnia/Port Huron's Blue Water Bridge, unless you want to take the smelly tunnel under the river in Detroit, which I've done, too) my thoughts on the subject are this: it is a much prettier drive coming down 94 from Port Huron. The view from the bridge in Detroit is great at night. The traffic will probably be much worse going through Detroit, coming from Canada, than coming from Sarnia to Port Huron, depending on the time of day. But I think that Detroit pretty much trumps Port Huron, when it comes to backed up traffic, no matter what time of day it is. And, though this may be a silly question, you do have a current passport to show them at the border, right? Oh, and being a seasoned veteran of driving in the Detroit area, remember this: in Michigan it is said that there are two seasons, winter and construction. Generally speaking, this is true. So I'd expect some (construction, that is). Maybe even lots of it. Depends on how that stimulus money is being spent! And, assuming you will be taking 75, if you come from the bridge in that area, to get to 75 can be a bit, well, just watch out for the take-no-prisoners drivers and keep your eyes on the signs. As I recall (although I haven't driven in that area for a while) the 75 exit is pretty close to where you come into Detroit once you come across the Ambassador Bridge. And I think you'd find it to be much easier to get around in Port Huron and a lot less nerve-wracking to take 94 to 75 going that way. 75 exits to the right off of 94 if you come west from Port Huron. Real easy to find. So having given you all of the pertinent details, driving-wise, I can think of, the choice is up to you! And although you really didn't ask for driving hints, I hope this will help to make your trip a little more pleasant. Oh, and BTW, I love that song by the Black-Eyed Peas! Just the song to get your blood pumping and your feet moving.

Anonymous said...

Marcella here...

Thanks for the laughs, Kristie. Great way to start my working day (which, coincidentally, ended yesterday at the point where the heroine of the book I'm translating told the hero she went jogging with Black Eyed Peas on her iPod...)

Have a good weekend and lots of fun at the conference!

Kristie (J) said...

Cindy: I'm taking my laptop so updates for sure!!

Susan: Yep, I have a passport. I hadn't looked for it since last year so I was kind of nervous to look where I thought it was in case it wasn't there - but it was!! Phew!!
And I grew up in Sarnia so I know the Bluewater bridge very well. In fact when I was young and silly, me and my friends used to walk over it and stop at this ice cream place in Port Huron at least twice a summer. And stop midway point and spit over the the side. Why we did that I'm not sure, but it was funny at the time. And I know there's a lot of construction at the Ambassador Bridge. Which is why I'm considering the Sarnia/Port Huron route even though Map Quest and I'm sure my GPS both say to take the Detroit route.
And I'm glad your daughter pointed you here *BG* Welcome!!

Marcella: I think the only problem I might have listening to The Black Eyed Peas is the faster and snappier the song, the faster I tend to drive :-) And I tend to drive over the speed limit as it is.
I love the funny spam mail as it's just so......peculiar sometimes. It begs to be mocked.

Nicole Mc said...

Love that song...but when did music videos get soooo graphic? lol I'm fine with it until i imagine my soon to be 10 year old son tuning into these...yikes...times have changed.

nath said...

Can't wait to see you there Kristie :D

LOL, give me a call when you're arriving. I can serve as your luggage girl LOL :)

I'm bringing 1 suitcase and planning to come back with 2 :P

Susan said...

Hi, again, Kristie. Well, I was talking to my friend in MI (I live in AR now but still think of MI as home) yesterday and she told me that they are doing repairs on the Ambassador Bridge, and that they will be building a second bridge in the area, because the Ambassador cannot handle all of the traffic. So I would tend to agree with you that it is best that you come into the States via the Blue Water Bridge. Now, if, for old time's sake, you spit out the window in the middle of the bridge on the way across, you should probably make sure the driver behind you has his/her window closed :-). And enjoy the view!

Kate Diamond said...

I loved your Spam replies! They were hilarious!

orannia said...

Your spam replies are the best, particularly:

Eddie, let's be honest with each other. All men need A LOT of things.


Sounds like a great weekend ahead!