Ponderings of the last two days

I was going to do a post last night.



But I was too despondent. It started on my way home from work. I stopped off at the grocery store to get some groceries. When it came time to pay for them, I went to get my wallet out - and no wallet!! I didn't have any money in it; I was going to use my debit card. With a feeling of dread, I started routing around in my Big Purse (which has received a lot of compliments by the way - I'm not used to people complimenting my 'mom' purses) but no luck. I couldn't find it. Luckily I had some money stashed in one of the side pockets - birthday money I hadn't spent yet.

When I got home, I sort of looked for my wallet, but not too hard. You see, if I looked everywhere and couldn't find it, I would freeze and panic, but if I didn't look too hard, I could tell myself it was somewhere where I hadn't looked. But I looked hard enough and still didn't find it. I tried shutting down my thoughts, but they kept creeping in. While I didn't have any money in it, I did have other valuable things like my debit card, my credit card, my SIN card and my OHIP card. The OHIP card is the older red and white ones and as anyone who lives in Ontario will tell you - you hold on to them as long as you can, because if you have the newer picture cards, you have to get a new one every few years and it's a pain in the neck.

Now one of the things that had me most worried was the credit card. I NEED my credit card. That's how I'm paying my hotel bill when I head to Columbus. I was trying to figure out if I could get a new one in time - it's not far away now. Also in there was my CAA card and I NEED my CAA card when I travel any distance. And since I'm driving to Columbus, that's some distance!

I was so distraught that I couldn't allow myself to think, because then all the thoughts would come rushing in at all the time it would take to replace all the stuff and I don't have the time. Luckily I keep my drivers license, birth certificate and car ownership in another place in my Big Purse. I sat like a zombie for most of the night, watching meaningless television. I couldn't read 'cause that would open my brain to thinking - and I didn't dare think.

I even had a dream that I found my wallet - it was in my Big Purse the whole time, but when I woke up, it wasn't very long at all before it hit me that I only dreamed I found my wallet; it was still missing. And I tried to remember the last time I had it and couldn't. I very cautiously checked in my account, keeping my fingers crossed that there wasn't whole chunks of money missing, or purchases on my credit card - like big screen TV's or something - since I haven't bought a big screen TV, but luckily there wasn't anything I hadn't bought myself and the last time I used either my debit card or credit card was last Saturday.

I thought maybe it was in the car, since I'm always taking all the stuff out of my purse in the car, like the 3 or 4 books I carry, 3 pairs of glasses, my cell phone, etc. when I need change at the bottom of my purse, but it wasn't in the seat where I put all that stuff. So this morning I started a full fledged panic. I thought maybe my wallet had fallen out under my desk where I keep my purse at work - if it wasn't there, I knew I'd be useless for a few days. Despite that though, I simply had to get my coffee. One can't have a real good meltdown without a coffee beside them.

As I was getting out of the car, I glanced in the back seat and noticed some change on the floor. As change would be the only money I had until I got a new bank card - though in Canada change can add up quickly if you have some twoonies and loonies in there, I needed all I could find.

And what should be next to it but MY WALLET. Crisis averted and I had a very strong urge to hug my wallet, but many of my coworkers already think I'm odd - later in the day - being in a very jolly mood now - I told my case manager that I was from another planet and my spaceship was hovering over the building I work in, waiting to pick me up for the weekend and I asked if she wanted to come along. She said fine as long as they brought us back again.

It's amazing how that feeling of relief loosens the tongue - and the imagination!

Anyway - now it's OK for me to use my brain again instead of sitting in a zombie-like state in order to avoid panic. What a wonderful feeling that is.