I haven't been blogging as often lately. I did something I really shouldn't have done.
I started taking medication for depression very shortly after Ron died. It really helped a lot. But a while ago, I thought that I was better and decided to gradually stop taking them. I went off them completely just over a week ago.
Unfortunately, it was the medication that was making me feel better. I've always suffered from reoccurring depression, not bad enough to take anything on an ongoing basis, but enough to make me want to withdraw for a while until it went away. I have taken medication off and on over the years for it but when things in my life got better, I would stop. But things became so much worse last August.
I thought I had reached the point where I didn't have to take it again, but it hasn't been the case this time. The depression has come back again with a vengance and I've really been struggling inside for a while now. Outwardly I don't show it. People who know me, unless I tell them, don't have a clue. But depression is a horrible thing. It's like I'm split in so many pieces. One part of me wants to curl up and do nothing - just wants to join Ron. The other part of me is kicking me to keep going, to not let anyone see how weak the other parts of me are. Then there is another part of me, that doesn't want to take medication for depression, that says I'm strong and it's a weakness that isn't to be allowed. At times like this, it's more than just Krisite and me. There is a whole passel of us running around inside one body.
Taking the medication for depression brings us all into one whole person, but right now I'm feeling pretty fractured. I can be walking down the hall at work and a sudden thought hits me and I'm almost frozen in place. I don't want to move. But of course I can't do that. I have to keep moving.
And while I love the work I'm doing and the staff I work with, it's almost contributing to the problem. I work with people going into nursing homes at present, and some of their stories are so heartbreaking. And because many of them are older, they die sometimes.
As of Monday, I'll be moving to a different department. Did I say that I was hired on full-time permanent? I was. Normally that would be something to celebrate, but because of where I'm at inside, I haven't really felt the excitement I normally would be feeling.
So I went to the doctor on Thursday to get a prescription for antidepressants again. I'm going to have to work on the mindset, that it really is OK to take them. That just because I do, it doesn't make me a weak person. I may have to take them long-term and if I do, there isn't anything wrong with that. It's not a weakness. I should be grateful that there is something I can do and or take to help put me back together again into one normally functioning person. I really don't need all the kings horses and all the kings men, and this little egg can be put back together again.
Anyway - that explains kind of where I've been.