Friday, April 06, 2007

You may have noticed

sub-title

Humptey Dumptey

I haven't been blogging as often lately. I did something I really shouldn't have done.
I started taking medication for depression very shortly after Ron died. It really helped a lot. But a while ago, I thought that I was better and decided to gradually stop taking them. I went off them completely just over a week ago.
Unfortunately, it was the medication that was making me feel better. I've always suffered from reoccurring depression, not bad enough to take anything on an ongoing basis, but enough to make me want to withdraw for a while until it went away. I have taken medication off and on over the years for it but when things in my life got better, I would stop. But things became so much worse last August.
I thought I had reached the point where I didn't have to take it again, but it hasn't been the case this time. The depression has come back again with a vengance and I've really been struggling inside for a while now. Outwardly I don't show it. People who know me, unless I tell them, don't have a clue. But depression is a horrible thing. It's like I'm split in so many pieces. One part of me wants to curl up and do nothing - just wants to join Ron. The other part of me is kicking me to keep going, to not let anyone see how weak the other parts of me are. Then there is another part of me, that doesn't want to take medication for depression, that says I'm strong and it's a weakness that isn't to be allowed. At times like this, it's more than just Krisite and me. There is a whole passel of us running around inside one body.
Taking the medication for depression brings us all into one whole person, but right now I'm feeling pretty fractured. I can be walking down the hall at work and a sudden thought hits me and I'm almost frozen in place. I don't want to move. But of course I can't do that. I have to keep moving.
And while I love the work I'm doing and the staff I work with, it's almost contributing to the problem. I work with people going into nursing homes at present, and some of their stories are so heartbreaking. And because many of them are older, they die sometimes.
As of Monday, I'll be moving to a different department. Did I say that I was hired on full-time permanent? I was. Normally that would be something to celebrate, but because of where I'm at inside, I haven't really felt the excitement I normally would be feeling.
So I went to the doctor on Thursday to get a prescription for antidepressants again. I'm going to have to work on the mindset, that it really is OK to take them. That just because I do, it doesn't make me a weak person. I may have to take them long-term and if I do, there isn't anything wrong with that. It's not a weakness. I should be grateful that there is something I can do and or take to help put me back together again into one normally functioning person. I really don't need all the kings horses and all the kings men, and this little egg can be put back together again.
Anyway - that explains kind of where I've been.

'til later

13 comments:

Karen Scott said...

(((((cyber hugs for you Kristie))))

You have to make the best decision for you.

Rosario said...

(((Hugs))) Kristie. No, it's not a weakness to need help. In fact, being able to realize that you need help, and taking the steps necessary to get it is a strength, the way I see it.

Maria, Lover of All Things Romance said...

I'm there too Kristie, and it's such a horrible place to be. After a year of taking anti-depressants, I decided I'd be okay without them. As soon as I was completely off them, I went down so bad. And then bad things started happening, my friends jut lost their mother the other day, a woman I was very close to, and it nearly killed me to get out of the bed and go to the funeral. That's what depression does, it beats you down until you can't get out of bed. And everyone is telling me to fight it but it is so hard, and I've been fighting so long. My life seems to just fade away. I can't talk to people, I can't write, I can't read, I can't work.
What you said about being fractured really resonates with me, I feel broken. And I too have struggled with the idea of being on medication, for a long time I didn't tell anyone except my closest friends. It's only now that I'm realizing that it's there to help me, not hurt me.

Sorry for the long sob story, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. And Happy Easter

Kristie (J) said...

Maria: That's exactly what it's like. There is an internal battle going on all the time whether to just curl up and do nothing and hope things get better, or to keep on, keepin' on. Sometimes the urge to curl up and do nothing wins - and then you feel worse than ever that you let that part win. And as for medication being there to help - exactly! I also take medicaton for thyroid and high blood pressure - and while a nuisance to take, I don't question the need for it. So why question the need to take something for depression? Am I a weaker person because I have high blood pressure? I don't think so. So why do I think it's a weakness to need antidepressants? It's not!! And it's not for you either. So get back on those happy pills (that's what I call them) 'cause there's nothing wrong with being happy.
And I'm sorry to hear about your friends mother. It's so hard losing someone we love.

Rosario: You're right. I just need an attitude adjustment. If other people take them, my attitude is that I'm glad there is something that can help - so I need to do the same for myself.

Karen: Thanks! I started taking them again yesterday and hopefully will find the me in me again soon. Not that other people didn't always see the me - see, it's an internal battle that most people aren't even aware is going on.

Sue said...

Kristie

Taking medication for depression is not a sign of weakness. Depression is a disease just like diabetes, high blood pressure or many other things. Depression can also be heriditary. Taking the medication will keep you on an even keel. You will still feel pain but it will be less intense and your happy times will be good too. I know many people who take medication for depression-it's what keeps them sane and alive. You keep on taking the meds for your depression and I will keep taking my meds for high blood pressure. You know we love you and only want whats best for you.

Fanshawe Sue

Megan Frampton said...

Kristie:

It is not weakness, not at all. I do it, too. So do a lot of people. It's like me taking asthma medicine--my lungs just don't work as well without it, and my happiness doesn't work as well without medicine.

it's fine, and it's good to get the help you need.

nath said...

Big hugs Kristie... seriously, if they make you feel better, you should take them. You obviously aren't addicted to them and so you shouldn't be afraid to take them.

ReneeW said...

Sounds like you really have the right mindset about the reason you need to take them and that's half the battle. I'm so glad you are writing about this and visiting your doctor for more meds. That's a healthy sign. I agree, you need the meds just as you need your high blood pressure meds. Take care of yourself and a big (((hug))) for you.

Rosie said...

Kristie, if you were a diabetic and needed insulin you would take it...right? So, this is no different. You have a condition that needs medical treatment. So, you shouldn't feel bad about that.

My Mom was a nurse and was not a big proponent of meds so I think I know what you mean about the internal dialogue and struggle.

I'm glad to read in the comments that you are taking the meds again. I hope you feel better soon.

CindyS said...

I know that I will be on my meds for the rest of my life and I'm more than okay with it. I know what my life was like before meds (for anxiety but I was severely depressed by the time I went for help) and if all I have to do is take a pill to live a more balanced and full life then I'm okay with it.

You are one of the strongest people I've ever met but I know what it's like to do the 'negative' self talk. The meds aren't going to take the grieving away, you have to go through that but they do help you to just get out of bed in the morning and to keep moving.

Since I took a course on panic attacks I learned about the physical responses my body has - therefore I recognize anxiety. I think they should also have courses on depression to explain that it's something a person can't control. It's chemical and you can't think your way out of it and you are not weak because of it.

And ditto what Rosario said!

((((((Kristie)))))


CindyS

Stacy~ said...

Hugs to you Kristie. You're a brave person, and you know you need to do this for yourself. We're here for you.

It's never a sign of weakness to ask for help, and taking medication is not a sign of weakness either. Listen to those here - depression is not a weakness, it's an illness that needs to be treated like any other. Doesn't make you less of a person. As you can see, we all support you.

Zeek said...

As everyone else said- don't feel bad about needing them. We all need a little help no and then.(((HUGS))) To you!

Anonymous said...

It's it great that we have these pills to help with depression......do not feel guilty....take them and take you life back and enjoy....Deb