Thursday, June 04, 2009


So – you may have noticed I’ve been somewhat absent lately. Depression has raised it’s ugly head again and I’ve been battling it – sometimes it’s been winning – sometimes I have been. I really do need to do some more research into so I can at least try and get a handle on when it will hit because that is one of the most frustrating things. I just don’t know when it will raise its ugly head. I think this time work has been the culprit. We have been going through major changes and while I’m pretty good at handling change overall, this has been particularly difficult. They have taken away most of the previous work we used to do – work I enjoyed doing – and as yet haven’t replaced it. I come in knowing I have almost nothing to do for the day. This trips into a number of things, my need to be busy, my overblown sense of guilt that I’m coming into work and getting paid for doing nothing. And I’ve been yanked around like a yo-yo as to when I will get the training I need to do the new workload. Add to the fact that I’m still dealing with the issue that so bothered me before and after the first few years of loving coming to work – it’s the opposite now. I’m finding that a hard adjustment.

The thing about depression is it’s so silent. Looking back it was obviously creeping up, but it wasn’t until it hit me full force on Monday, when I just couldn’t make it to work, that I realized it had ‘got’ me again. I hate when that happens.

So I did some major retail therapy on the way home the other night!! There were 2 sofas or couches in the basement rec room along with 2 chairs. They are old, old, old and for a while now I’ve wanted to get rid of them and get something else. My soon to be visitor is a major impetus for getting me moving on fixing things up. But I didn’t have anyone who could remove them until I helped my friend move and it turns out her movers do all kinds of odd jobs – including junk removal. They came over last night to get rid of the stuff and a funny happened. I didn’t get a chance to totally clean the room up and there was a huge spill over from the ‘library’, all romance books of course. When he asked if I liked romance, I stood proudly and answered yep – what was your first clue in a laughing kind of voice.

“Well, cause that’s me on the cover.” He answered pointing to one particular beefcake cover. I thought that was a riot as well, he was kind of cute (and a happily married new father) he certainly wasn’t the ‘beefcake’ kind of looking.

My ‘therapy’ was the purchase of a new sofa (on sale at less then half price) and chair. They should be delivered tomorrow!

And if that weren’t enough, I had a landscaper over tonight to look at what I can do to landscape around the house. Since Ron died I’ve pretty much neglected the outside of the house. He used to take care of that stuff and it’s really starting to look neglected. But hopefully soon it will start looking better.

Between that, the upcoming blogging meet and RWA in July, I just might beat this funk.


orannia said...


I just want you to know that I think you're amazing and while I feel rather helpless at the other end of a computer thousands of miles away, I'm here if you need me!

I have a friend who is currently battling a bout of depression. And like you said, it's that helpless feeling of not knowing when it will strike. I think working on something you can control (like the downstairs area or the garden) is a great idea. Sorry, I'm never very eloquent when it comes to emotions.

And I absolutely adore that one of the furniture removal men was on the cover of one of your books. Sometimes a world that can seem so huge really isn't :)

Take care!

C2 said...

(((((Kristie)))))) Sending many positive vibes your way. Take care!

azteclady said...


I wish I could do more than say, "we are here" but then again, we *are* here, Kristie.

I know that one of my signals that things are going down hill is when I skip answering the phone. No, I don't mean the occasional (and always annoying) telemarketing, but when a friend or relative calls and I don't answer. If I catch myself doing that, I know depression is creeping back.

If you think about your own routines, perhaps you can find something like that, something that would give you a better point at which to stop the downward slide, so to speak.

In the meantime--we are here, Kristie *hug*

[on a frivolous topic: my review for Ride the Fire will be up at Karen's on Saturday.]

Wendy said...

Well first off you need to remove the sad clown picture - because that would make anybody depressed!

Second, I hope work starts looking up for you. Nothing worse than when the job starts to suck the soul out of you.

LMAO over your "beefcake" mover! A sense of humor about romance novels is way better than some jackass sneering at you because you read "trash."

And yippeeee! You will have so much fun at your blogger meet-up! Get Nath to show you how to schedule posts on Blogger - and when I see you in July, I'll give you a tutorial on Twitter. Or try to pin down Cindy. She can show you Twitter to!

Cecile said...

Hey Kristie (((((hugs)))) are coming your way by the truck load honey! I know it sounds croney to say that we are here for you... but it is true. We are.
I know exactly what you mean about the job situation. And that really does suck the life out of you.
On the other hand... well... take what you do enjoy and make it last.
Depression is an ugly thing... but I think we (mostly) women have it from time to time... I can tell when I start to slip is when I stop thinking of my husband as a husband. He is a very hard man to love most of the time... and he is very unemotional... which drops me further... But the last thing you need is us telling you about that... Instead... Girl, I had a good laugh about your Personal Cover Model!
I think the visitors will be good for your soul!
Hope you feel better... if not... you know where to find me... I can at least try to make you smile or even laugh!

Kwana said...

Kristie echoing what the other said you're not alone. It's so tough when depression creeps in. and creeps it does. Try and push it right back out. Good for you fixing up. Yay fun and love the movers story. Also it's great that you're looking forward to RWA and seeing friends. It's what you have to do. Much love.

Barbara said...


I know how you feel, years ago I had gone through something very similar after suffering a miscarriage. It takes time, but you will feel better. It doesn't last forever. Alot of it stems from pent up emotions.

This may sound crazy, but my grandmother used to say that whenever she felt overwhelmed or stressed about anything, she would go into her bedroom, close the door and take it all out on her pillow.

Don't laugh, lol. It works.

Whatever it is at that moment that is troubling you--it could be something so simple as the toilet got clogged and it sent you over the edge--blame it on the pillow!!!

Yell at it, smack it, punch it if you have to, and believe me once all your pent up frustrations are out, you'll feel tons better!

Then afterward, go treat yourself to something nice. Whether it's books or a cup of coffee.

Feel better, Kristie. We're going to have lots of fun at RWA!! I promise ;)



Bridget Locke said...

Aw, honey, here's a big (hug) from me. I suffer from depression myself, so I totally know where you're coming from.

There's nothing worse than being fine and then BAM you are reeling from this horrible sense of despair that literally comes from nowhere.

Hugs, prayers and if you ever need to talk, email me. :)

CindyS said...

Creepy bugger that depression. I know it well. I'm sorry you are facing the demon once again but knowing you are in it is half the battle. (It's those weeks and days before where you just struggle to get by that can be the worst)

I'm going to save my hug for when I see you next week! I'm so excited and can't wait for us all to be together. And Bob has offered to chauffeur us around (the Burlington stores for sure) the rest in Ancaster/Hamilton we could totally do on our own.

Finally, work was one of the worst things that ever really happened to me. After years of school and deadlines I got into a job where nothing was really expected of me. I missed the structure, the work load, the knowledge that things were getting done. So I feel for you something HUGE. I really hope work comes through for you and gets you more work to do. Killing time is never good for worker bees like you and me. (Hey, if I'm working for you, you better keep me busy so I don't see the clock changing)

HUGS (Okay, I couldn't save 'em)

Lisa Marie Wilkinson said...

I so much look forward to reading your blogs and your "take" on things. I love your enthusiasm for books and your passion about so many things. It saddens me that you're having to deal with a down period in your life right now, but it's obvious to me from the comments from people who visit your blog that you have many friends in cyberland who truly care about you!

I hope you feel better. I did a search on the web to try to find a common-sense sounding article that might offer some useful tips to help you, and I found this one:

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Lori said...

Just stopping by with a virtual hug. And hoping you have a wonderful visit with Nath and Ames!

AnimeJune said...

(((((((hugs x a million)))))) Retail therapy works for me, too - why do you think my TBR pile is so big??? *lol* I'll keep you in my prayers.

LOL at the mover, though! Actually, that would make a great romance story - a regular-schmo construction worker poses for ONE romance cover to make ends meet and the book ends up becoming wildly popular and people recognize him!

Damn, I better write that one down....

MB (Leah) said...

Kristie, I so know what you are going through. I go in and out so much these days it's not funny.

Shopping therapy is good! LOL

But it's an ongoing thing and hopefully you can get it worked out with meds and stuff.

Hang in there... Hugs

Jessica said...

Thinking of you and missing you Kristie!

nath said...


We are definitively going to beat the funk, Kristie!

We'll do some more retail therapy, LOL :) Also, you don't have to feel guilty about work. It's not your fault, it's theirs. They should have planned it better, so you would have work to do!

Looking forward to next week :)

Tracy said...

I've so been where you are Kristie and I give you a hug from the depths of my heart. Depression is a struggle, but you can get through it, I have faith.

LMAO about the beefcake cover/mover. Too funny. You should have whipped out your camera! lol

~ames~ said...

Kristie - I'm sorry that work is affecting you so badly.

You're going to beat this funk, you are a very strong woman. :P

Brie said...

Everyone has already said really nice and uplifting things, so I will just send a big {{hug}} and pleasant thoughts your way!

Anonymous said...

Hugs Kristie! A few years ago when I was suffering with mild depression, I read that you should not watch the news or other depressing reality-based shows. To this day I rarely watch the evening news as I now believe it helped put me in my funk. Reality is one thing, but the news tends to put a dramatic and frightening spin on life where you live. Your job issue is enough reality to deal with, so give it a try.

Anonymous said...

Sending an angel to sit on your shoulder!!

Pamela Clare said...

Kristie, I'm so sorry you're going through this! Chaos at work is never fun, and when the situation is up in the air and you have no idea what you're in store for on the other end — well, that would get anyone down.


I hope you post a photo of your new couch. Congrats on doing something for yourself and for reclaiming your garden.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Take care Kristie and I hope you feel better soon. I'm mostly a lurker but I really enjoy reading your take on books and goings on and I'm very sorry to hear about this difficult time.

SarahT said...

Take good care of yourself, Kristie. So many of us have "been there, done that". I realise that doesn't help you to feel better right now, but know that you're not alone.

I find reading a romance, or something which will make me laugh, helps to cheer me up if I'm feeling down, even if the effect is only temporary.

Sending happy vibes your way.

Cindy W said...

Kristie, I hope you are doing better?? Did you go back to the doctor after the first visit? Sometimes just talking to someone helps, Even at the end of your post, you sounded better. You are not alone in your struggles.(((hugs)))

Lea said...


Sorry I missed this post until today. I had wondered if you were stuggling again with the incidious demon that is depression. It is just .... awful and the problem is it isn't understood by many.

I'm pleased the blogger meet is going ahead and will look forward to meeting you.


Sherry Thomas said...

After my first son was born, I had terrible postpartum depression for close to two years. I didn't have trouble getting up in the morning--a baby crying will get you moving--but I was in a constant state of despair and didn't know what was wrong with me.

I hope you are already feeling much better. I look forward to meeting you at Nationals.