Monday, August 04, 2008









I'll continue with my memories of San Francisco tomorrow, but today is also a different day of memories for me. It was two years ago today that my life changed forever. It was August 4th 2006 that I lost Ron to cancer. I still can't believe it's been two years now. I still love him and miss him as if it were just yesterday. He was the other part of me and he still is. Although time has helped cover over that missing part, it hasn't filled it nothing ever will. There still is hardly a day go by when I don't ache for missing him. I still hear a noise in the house and think it's him moving around. I'm still in that almost asleep stage and I think he is lying next to me. I still sit in my spot in the living room and glance up every so often waiting for him to come in the back door.

I still can't watch the Blue Jays on TV (not that I really want to with the season they are having). I still can't watch the Leafs on TV (not that I really want to with the season they had this year). Those are just a couple of things that have altered in my life. I'm not reading as much because while he was watching the Jays or the Leafs, I would rather have still sat in the room with him and read then watch TV in another room, even though it was often frustrating sitting watching either the Leafs or the Jays.
I still to this day miss our Sundays when he would get up early, get us each a Timmies (coffee for those who don't know what that is *g*) and the Toronto Sunday Star. He always started with the sports page and I started with the editorial page and we would switch back and forth. I would take as long reading the sports pages as he did.
But in reality, he is still very much with me. Although he's not walking in the door, he's still there. Although it's not really him moving around at night, he's still in the house. I can still feel him being frustrated with me that I'm not keeping up the housework the way he did but even that's a comfort. And I still feel him every night lying next to me, just not in the way he did before. Now instead of just his arms around me, it’s all of him. He’s there when I’m happy and he’s there when I’m sad. When I start crying over missing him so much, he allows me to, then tells me I have cried long enough and that’s when I feel him the most. He helps dry my tears and sends me a memory.

Ryan mentioned not long ago about maybe selling the house. I told him I didn't dare. Ron would first of all haunt the new owners and then come and haunt me for selling. He loved this house and while I do to, a good portion is because he did. Although I felt him with me in San Francisco and I told him on the plane going there I was taking him with me, even though I'm sure he shuddered at the thought of going to a romance writers conference, one of the big driving forces into coming home was his stronger presence. I talk to him hear and I know he hears me.
There were so many things he did around the house that were so far off my radar, for example, cleaning the eavestroph. I didn’t even clue into that chore and I had little baby trees growing in them from the maple keys. Brent and Ryan came over today and cleaned them out. Somehow it seemed fitting that they should do that. And of course not to mention that they were getting so big they would have pulled the eaves right off. Apparently the little buggers were almost a foot tall so they said.

I know Ron is still watching out for me. I mentioned a while ago that not less than a month after he died, the place I was working let go all contract employees. I was one they let go. So there I was, still reeling from losing my other half, the love of my life, my anchor to the real world, the one who knew how to work the DVD, the VHS and all the other electronic stuff and I had no job. I was alone in the house since both sons had moved out and I was headed to a very rough place. But I finally signed up at an agency and within a week, they had sent me to the very same place that arranged for the home care Ron got. I didn’t know who they were or what they did until the day I started working there and when I did, I knew that it wasn’t coincidence; that it was Ron taking care of me. At the end of my contract there, I was hired on full time and it is by far the best job I’ve had in all my various jobs through the years. I’m almost still giddy that I work there.

He is still showing me things. I did something I really shouldn’t have but couldn’t resist. I looked up his records on the computer. As I said, I didn’t know about the role this place had. They are supposed to send out case managers and somehow we got lost in the cracks. Although I adore working there, there was still a little bit of resentment and I couldn’t help thinking ‘but what about us? Where were you when we were so scared and didn’t know who to turn to when we couldn’t get hold of the nurse, when Ron’s pain was so bad neither of us could take it?’ I saw who our case manager was and while it’s a large place and I didn’t get a chance to meet her, I knew her name. Only a month ago, she started working in the very occasionally in the same department as I did. She didn’t know who I was, but I helped her a bit in learning things (no, I’m not a case manager – I’m team support, but they still need our help) and I really liked her. A couple of weekends ago she worked the weekend I did and when she did, she told me she was so glad it was me that was working with her – and I was glad to work with her too. That was Ron’s way of telling me it was time to let go of my last hold of resentment.

I know Ron is proud of me for moving on. I can feel his support every day. I know he was happy I went to Dallas last year and then again when I went to San Francisco. There has always been a writer in me wanting to get out. When I was young, I loved writing anything in school. I used to write letters to friends, long rambling letters, and I told them to hold on to them because someday I would be a famous writer and they would be worth something. The writer in me has lain dormant for a LONG time, but she started coming out when I started this blog and she’s really been knocking at the door these past couple of years. I was listening to the acceptance speeches of some of the winners at the RITA’s and was so touched about the support they received from their husbands. When I finally sit down and start at the beginnings of something, I know Ron will be supporting me. I know some part of him will be in what I write, even if it’s not romance.

I know not everyone believes in the soul mate romances but I do because that’s what Ron was – and is. From the first night I met him I loved him and I will for eternity. I’m not ruling out meeting someone else someday, but Ron will ALWAYS hold a special part of my heart. He will never be replaced even if there should be someone else and I will miss him until I see him again.

I love you Ron – just as much today as I ever have.

36 comments:

MaryKate said...

*sob*

Oh Kristie. I'm trying so hard not to cry, as I'm sitting here at work. I too remember when Ron died. I remember reading your blog (I didn't know you then, and never commented), and marveling at your incredible strength and fortitude and support that you gave him in his last days here on earth. I'm SO glad to hear that you feel him all around you. I'd imagine that it's some comfort to you and to him to know that you can still really feel his presence.

I'm glad you wrote this today. Sometimes I need a smack in the head to appreciate the important folks in my life. And today is a good day for me to remember.

You're an inspiration, my friend. Truly.

Katie(babs) said...

I can't think of anything to say.
Beautiful.

Marg said...

Your love for Ron is very evident and I have no doubt that he is with you. It's hard to believe that it has been two years, and yet when you post anything I still get choked up, so it's hard to imagine how it is for you.

azteclady said...

(((kristie)))

ReneeW said...

What a lovely tribute to your special soul mate. I too am at work trying not to cry as I read this. You are such an amazing person. Peace and love to you, my friend.

Holly said...

(((((KRISTIE))))))

This beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Nikki said...

Thank you for sharing with us and reminding us to be thankful for what we have. How comforting to still have that connection.

nath said...

Hug, Kristie.

It was beautiful and I hope it made you feel better :)

Mollie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Krisite.

July 29th was the year anniversary of my friend Steve's passing. I can't compare my loss to yours but I can certainly emphasize with losing someone you love. I will keep you in my prayers.

I'm glad Ron has revealed himself to you. I keep waiting and hoping for something from Steve.

Bonnie said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with the rest of us. I found this blog just a few months before he died, and I too can't believe it's been TWO years already!

My father passed away a year ago this past June, and I see the things you've mentioned in my own mother's life. She's made the comment about losing her "soul mate" and how she's having to relearn EVERYthing about life as a single person, since she was part of a couple for almost 45 years.

My heart aches for her, for you, and all others who have lost someone dear to them. It's easy to lose ourselves in a good fictional HEA, but as Anjelina Jolie said in "Mr & Mrs Smith", 'a happy-ever-after story is one that isn't finished yet'. (BTW, *love* that movie!)

May there be peace in your heart today,

— Bonz

C2 said...

(((((Kristie)))))

CindyS said...

Thinking of you today. I also can't believe it's been two years. How blessed you are to still have part of him with you.

CindyS

little alys said...

This is so sweet. For sure I'll be visiting you at your beautiful house one day. :)

Kate said...

Hugs to you.

Brandy said...

Delurking to say your post about your love of yout husband is beautiful. You've brought tears to my eyes. And you're right, soul mates exist. May blessings rest upon you.

Christine said...

Oh Kristie.
My heart aches for you.....
I hope you found comfort in writing this post today, as I know you find comfort in your memories of Ron.
Sending love and strength your way.....

Sarai said...

Hey Kristie you are doing so well. Keeping hanging in there everyday the pain is great but you will realize a little bit at a time the pain will start to fade and only the good memories will remain.
We love you and support you in whatever you do. Remember sweetie you are stronger than you know and you will survive this.
I didn't know Ron personally but I know you're right he is very proud of you and so are we.
LOVE YOU!!!

Bridget Locke said...

I too am trying really hard not to sit here sobbing while reading this. I remember your stories that started right before his passing. I remember feeling the love you feel for him and hoping that some day I would find the same type of man for myself.

I can hardly believe it's been 2 years since you lost your soul mate. All I can think to say is that your strength amazes me. You've come so far in the last 2 years. If I could, I'd give you a hug. :(

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Hugs & prayers, my friend.

Bev(QB) said...

Kristie, I hadn't discovered your blog until sometime after you lost Ron. Oddly enough, it factored into my feeling a sort of kinship with you (besides the fact that neither of us are spring chickens). Like you, I've been married a long time (25 years next month) to a man that's not perfect, but perfect for me, as I can confidently say I am to him. We started off as friends, and to this day we'd rather hang out with each other than anyone else in the world. Even though I was aware each and every day of what a Blessing he is to me, when he was diagnosed with cancer, I realized I had to contemplate the incomprehensible possibility of losing him. Fortunately, Tim responded well to treatment and is fine now. But as devastating as I can imagine what it must be like to lose your other half, I have no doubt that it is actually a thousand times worse. I admire your strength and honesty and the fact that you've found a way to rebuild your life while still finding a way for Ron to be a part of it.

pidute said...

((((Kristie))))

I find that the loss of someone is harder as the time goes by ,sure you miss them at first but it's later when you have things to say to them and you can't !
You find yourself crying like the first day just because you can't tell them your happy or sad .

Taja said...

This is written so beautifully and I'm near to tears ... I don't know what to say.

My thoughts are with you.

sula said...

kristie, I don't really have words to express myself. I can't tell you how much I admire your courage and fortitude. You are a strong woman and a role model to me. *hugs*

Sarah said...

Kristie: everything you accomplish, from actually climbing onto the beds in the Hyatt in Dallas (what was with that?!) to climbing over your quiet shyness to run around RWA embracing us is a tribute to your husband and to yourself. I'm a better person for having met you.

My sympathies.

Tracy said...

Oh Kristie! Thank you for sharing this with us. I've got tears in my eyes from the love that I felt coming from you.

{{big hug}}

Tarot By Arwen said...

SOB! I met you (or the other half of your blog team?) on the shuttle TO the airport on Sunday morning. This is the first entry I've read. Your heartfelt sharing and honest open voice have just found you one more reader. Subscribe!

Carolyn Jean said...

I'm so sorry, Kristie. This was so beautiful, and you two obviously shared a deep love.

I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose your soul mate. I'm so glad he's with you in the way he is.

Gwen said...

Big hug from me to you, Kristie.

I sincerely believe people important to us remain with us long after they've passed.

I've never had the privilege of finding a mate that I loved as much as you do Ron, but I still hope one day I will.

Thanks for sharing.

lisabea said...

Love at first sight is real, soul mates are real, and I heart you big time Kristie(J).


You should write. YOU SHOULD WRITE. I love your voice, the flow of your thoughts, the depth of your feelings, and the life experience that comes shining through. And the way you pull me right into your heart.

lb

Kristie (J) said...

Thank you all so much for your warm thoughts - to those I knew before and to those I hope to get to know in the future. It was all my blogging friends that got me through when Ron was sick and kept me going after I lost him. When I was alone, it was knowing there were so many out there that I wasn't really alone, that I wasn't really alone.
There aren't the words to tell you how grateful for each and every one of you - even those who are lurkers.

Kristie (J) said...

And to Sarah - thank GOODNESS the beds in SF weren't like the ones in Dallas!!!!!

Ciara said...

That post made me cry. thank you so much for sharing with us!

Brie said...

Kristie, my heart goes out to you. I can not imagine your pain, but I can feel your perseverance.

My thoughts are with you.

Hugs.

Ann Aguirre said...

You've left me with tears damp on my cheeks and an ache in my throat. You're a wonderful writer, Kristie.

I admire your strength and sweetness more than I can say.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, has it been 2 years? You're always in my thoughts KristieJ. Hope to meet you someday. [heck, that rhymes]. Moving on. As usual, there are no words and like I've mentioned to you before - the love you two have for each other is inspiring. I believe in soul mates and hope to one day find one of my own. Take care, girl.

Keishon

Alyssa said...

What a beautiful post, Kristie. I'm so glad you still feel Ron with you.

Hugs!
Alyssa

Karen Scott said...

I can't believe it's been two years.

((((Hugs)))