I'll continue with my memories of San Francisco tomorrow, but today is also a different day of memories for me. It was two years ago today that my life changed forever. It was August 4th 2006 that I lost Ron to cancer. I still can't believe it's been two years now. I still love him and miss him as if it were just yesterday. He was the other part of me and he still is. Although time has helped cover over that missing part, it hasn't filled it nothing ever will. There still is hardly a day go by when I don't ache for missing him. I still hear a noise in the house and think it's him moving around. I'm still in that almost asleep stage and I think he is lying next to me. I still sit in my spot in the living room and glance up every so often waiting for him to come in the back door.

I still can't watch the Blue Jays on TV (not that I really want to with the season they are having). I still can't watch the Leafs on TV (not that I really want to with the season they had this year). Those are just a couple of things that have altered in my life. I'm not reading as much because while he was watching the Jays or the Leafs, I would rather have still sat in the room with him and read then watch TV in another room, even though it was often frustrating sitting watching either the Leafs or the Jays.
I still to this day miss our Sundays when he would get up early, get us each a Timmies (coffee for those who don't know what that is *g*) and the Toronto Sunday Star. He always started with the sports page and I started with the editorial page and we would switch back and forth. I would take as long reading the sports pages as he did.
But in reality, he is still very much with me. Although he's not walking in the door, he's still there. Although it's not really him moving around at night, he's still in the house. I can still feel him being frustrated with me that I'm not keeping up the housework the way he did but even that's a comfort. And I still feel him every night lying next to me, just not in the way he did before. Now instead of just his arms around me, it’s all of him. He’s there when I’m happy and he’s there when I’m sad. When I start crying over missing him so much, he allows me to, then tells me I have cried long enough and that’s when I feel him the most. He helps dry my tears and sends me a memory.

Ryan mentioned not long ago about maybe selling the house. I told him I didn't dare. Ron would first of all haunt the new owners and then come and haunt me for selling. He loved this house and while I do to, a good portion is because he did. Although I felt him with me in San Francisco and I told him on the plane going there I was taking him with me, even though I'm sure he shuddered at the thought of going to a romance writers conference, one of the big driving forces into coming home was his stronger presence. I talk to him hear and I know he hears me.
There were so many things he did around the house that were so far off my radar, for example, cleaning the eavestroph. I didn’t even clue into that chore and I had little baby trees growing in them from the maple keys. Brent and Ryan came over today and cleaned them out. Somehow it seemed fitting that they should do that. And of course not to mention that they were getting so big they would have pulled the eaves right off. Apparently the little buggers were almost a foot tall so they said.

I know Ron is still watching out for me. I mentioned a while ago that not less than a month after he died, the place I was working let go all contract employees. I was one they let go. So there I was, still reeling from losing my other half, the love of my life, my anchor to the real world, the one who knew how to work the DVD, the VHS and all the other electronic stuff and I had no job. I was alone in the house since both sons had moved out and I was headed to a very rough place. But I finally signed up at an agency and within a week, they had sent me to the very same place that arranged for the home care Ron got. I didn’t know who they were or what they did until the day I started working there and when I did, I knew that it wasn’t coincidence; that it was Ron taking care of me. At the end of my contract there, I was hired on full time and it is by far the best job I’ve had in all my various jobs through the years. I’m almost still giddy that I work there.

He is still showing me things. I did something I really shouldn’t have but couldn’t resist. I looked up his records on the computer. As I said, I didn’t know about the role this place had. They are supposed to send out case managers and somehow we got lost in the cracks. Although I adore working there, there was still a little bit of resentment and I couldn’t help thinking ‘but what about us? Where were you when we were so scared and didn’t know who to turn to when we couldn’t get hold of the nurse, when Ron’s pain was so bad neither of us could take it?’ I saw who our case manager was and while it’s a large place and I didn’t get a chance to meet her, I knew her name. Only a month ago, she started working in the very occasionally in the same department as I did. She didn’t know who I was, but I helped her a bit in learning things (no, I’m not a case manager – I’m team support, but they still need our help) and I really liked her. A couple of weekends ago she worked the weekend I did and when she did, she told me she was so glad it was me that was working with her – and I was glad to work with her too. That was Ron’s way of telling me it was time to let go of my last hold of resentment.

I know Ron is proud of me for moving on. I can feel his support every day. I know he was happy I went to Dallas last year and then again when I went to San Francisco. There has always been a writer in me wanting to get out. When I was young, I loved writing anything in school. I used to write letters to friends, long rambling letters, and I told them to hold on to them because someday I would be a famous writer and they would be worth something. The writer in me has lain dormant for a LONG time, but she started coming out when I started this blog and she’s really been knocking at the door these past couple of years. I was listening to the acceptance speeches of some of the winners at the RITA’s and was so touched about the support they received from their husbands. When I finally sit down and start at the beginnings of something, I know Ron will be supporting me. I know some part of him will be in what I write, even if it’s not romance.

I know not everyone believes in the soul mate romances but I do because that’s what Ron was – and is. From the first night I met him I loved him and I will for eternity. I’m not ruling out meeting someone else someday, but Ron will ALWAYS hold a special part of my heart. He will never be replaced even if there should be someone else and I will miss him until I see him again.

I love you Ron – just as much today as I ever have.