I’ve thought long and hard about whether to blog about this but ultimately decided I would as an explanation as to why I might seem to disappear at times. I know I always worry/wonder when we don't hear from a regular blogger for a while. I consider so many of you friends – just as dear and important to me as those I’ll have a drink or coffee with – in fact I often sit here with one or the other in my hand as I go “visiting”

I want to howl and break something – do some serious damage to – something. Last October my husband was diagnosed with cancer. They didn’t give us very good odds for recovery but still we decided to go through with the treatment, the chemo and the radiation. I always say we because even though it is my husband who has this disease, it affects me just as deeply. He went through the chemo and the radiation and I watched him suffer the side effects daily and suffered helplessly along with him. But it seemed to be working. Slowly he was able to eat more and more things and we began to hope. While in treatment he discovered a lump on his abdomen just under the skin. They kept a close eye on it but didn’t know what it was and didn't appear to be overly concerned. They decided to remove it just in case. That was scheduled for the first week in May. He had a CT scan done two weeks ago to see how the cancer was looking and we were to go in and get the results last Wednesday. What happened was a nightmare that I still can’t shake. After keeping us waiting 3 hours after our scheduled appointment, with Ron getting more and more nervous until he was trembling and we were just about to walk out, the doctor whom we saw once – once during this entire time - came in to tell us in as cold a manner as I can say, that there were many lumps throughout his abdomen and at this point there was nothing else to do, chemo didn’t work – they grew while he was on it, it was too close to vital organs to radiate, and there was no point in doing surgery. The surgeon then came in and in a much more compassionate way explained that there was nothing more to be done. Then they sent us on our way. They told us nothing on what to expect, nothing on what we can or should do – NOTHING. After waiting over 3 hours, we were spent and my mind frozen. They did schedule a follow-up visit in six weeks but that was it.

I will never ever forgive or forget the callous way they let us know that my husband is not going to make it.

On Friday there was an article in the local paper that our city has the longest waiting list in the province for cancer treatment but that once people start getting people in for treatment, they are fairly satisfied. The first part is true. The second is a lie.

I plan on continuing to blog and visit – it has helped keep me sane during this time and I don't know what I would have done without it and I know I need to keep doing it.