Dr. Phil Saves TV's

In my last post I mentioned that it was the weekend and I was working.  When we work the weekend we have Monday and Tuesday off.  We also have a part time person who works on our caseload when we were off.  This dates back to the days when we were super busy.    And now we aren’t, a number of things we did previously we no longer have to do and we haven’t got them replaced yet – though they keep saying something is coming.  I’m the kind of person who needs to be busy.  And so is the person who did my jobs the past two days.  I have nothing, nothing.  At least I don’t until my Care Coordinators start sending me things to do.

So my boredom is your gain  anybody who visits that is.

 

First off, the sound came back on my TV.  It was all very strange.  I hadn’t even turned the TV on for a number of days and I was ploughing through books.  Then one day last week, I just needed a quick Dr. Phil fix; I don’t know why, that man sure loves himself, and when I turned on the telly, the sound was back!  Astonished, I began to check all the channels and sure enough the sound was fine on all of them.  I’m not entirely sure if that is a good thing or not.  Since my TV no longer sounds like there’s an imminent invasion by body snatchers and it’s not headache inducing any longer, the scales have changed and TV viewing has gone up and reading gone down. 

The issue now though is I can’t seem to get any channels on the higher end of the dial.  For the most part that’s not an issue – they are all Canadian channels from Western Canada with shows I watch earlier anyway.  But if I wanted to watch, oh say, the Y&R at 7:00, I can’t now.

  Not that I watch it of course, not at all.  I can’t stand Victor Newman.  Every time he says OK? After he gives a demand I want to reach in and smash his face.  Not that I watch Y&R of course.  Who wants to watch a show where an adopted son carries on an affair with his BLIND father’s wife?  Not me – that’s for sure.

Well, I have things to do now so that's it for now.





'til later

We are not alone

I’m a weekend worker today, working the 12 to 8 shift and I’m on my seventh day in a row.  And there is NOTHING to do.  I am dying of boredom and feeling guilty as hell that I’m being paid for not working.  All my work is caught up and the main point of being here really is to answer a phone that isn’t really working.  At the same time I’m drained.

So I’m taking some time to update things on the blog.  One of the things I’m doing is going up and down my Blog Hopping list and something is hitting home to me.  I’m deleting those who haven’t blogged in over a year and that make me so sad.  Though I’ve been fortunate enough to meet a number of your in real life, some are almost like voices in the dark.  Voices that mean something to me and were not only voices, but also lights.  And now that I’m back again, they will be voices/lights that I miss.

So it occurred to me, if I miss their voice/light, then my unplanned absences make others sad when my own voice is silent.  So I can’t always promise to be here, but I will try much harder.  Some posts may only be a few paragraphs long – I think that’s why sometimes I didn’t post – if I didn’t have a lot to say, why say anything.  But that’s the wrong approach.  Even if the star is dim sometimes, or the voice is not loud, doesn’t mean others don’t need to see and hear it.  I say that to all the bloggers out there.

So many were there for me when I’ve needed you, now I need to keep that in mind myself.

So while this is a short post today – after 7 days working, my brain is more fried (and older) something is better than nothing.

‘til later

Recent Reads

I am easily pleased when it comes to books and sometimes I wonder if I come across as a Harriet Klausner type author *shuddering at the thought*  I have a tendency not to do reviews on the books that don’t work for me so it may seem as if none do.

Besides being easily pleased, when I find an author I really like, I tend to like all their books.  But these two reviews are exceptions to the rules of Kristie.  The first one in the series I loved, the second I loathed – as you will see if you keep reading.

 

Here is the first Book in the series....

 

 

Alex by Sawyer Bennett
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

First thing I have to get off my chest on this book – I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED. LOVED IT. DO YOU HEAR ME WORLD, I LOVED IT.

Ok – got that off my chest. I enjoyed this book so much I inhaled it almost in one sitting and now it’s my obligation and delight to explain why. I have read a few other Sawyer Bennett books; some I loved, some, well, one – not so much. She has another hockey series, the “Off” series and I read and really enjoyed the first 3 I read and ordered the whole set. I’m not quite sure why I didn’t finish reading them, I certainly enjoyed them. But I didn’t. So when I saw this book, the start of a new series, the Cold Fury Series, I snapped it right up.

Now this is a sports themed, hockey in particular romance. I’m Canadian and for many of us, it’s almost like it’s in our DNA even if we don’t watch it much. I know it’s in mine and while I don’t watch a whole lot any more, I do keep track of the woeful Toronto Maple Leafs *a moment’s silence here…………….* and I watched it religiously when I was young. And I went to MANY a game when I was in my teen years and the local Junior B had a team with most of their players my age – so you can only guess what one of the big draws was there. All of this is to say that I “KNOW” hockey. So I’m always holding my breath when I start a hockey romance, hoping the author ‘gets’ the sport. And thankfully Ms. Bennett does

Alex Crossman, the hero, of our story is a jerk. In fact he is called the MVP – Most Valuable Prick - by many of the fans. He is amazingly talented but his attitude sucks donkey balls (a phrase coined by another but one I love)
In desperation, the team brass forces him to join forces with a local social worker, Sutton Price and our heroine, in a drug awareness campaign.
The love for this book started right from page 1. Though he comes across a jerk - and in fact he really is one, it’s a form of protection for a very abusive childhood. His father was cruel and sadistic to him and Alex has had to develop a tough shell. Though he doesn’t mind helping Sutton, in fact it’s something he could really get on board doing, he hates being forced into anything – that chip on the shoulder attitude. He shows up late, doesn’t want to cooperate at first, that kind of thing. But Sutton doesn’t give up on him. She also has come from a very abusive background and though she doesn’t know the details of Alex’s past, like recognizes like. But instead of being bitter and angry and lashing out, she has used her experiences to help others. And through her patience and caring, Alex slowly drops his attitude and become a much kinder Alex. And of course, since this is a romance, they develop a relationship.

Both Alex and Sutton are AMAZING characters. They are like two different side of the same coin in so many ways. Their growing love for each other and as a result, the love scenes are smokin’. And I mean bring a fan and some ice. It’s getting to the point where I yawn and skim many a sex scene but these were so well written and fit in so well with the story they really worked for me.

And before I go I simply have to say that in one particular scene, after Alex screws things up, it is THE. BEST. GROVEL. SCENE. EVER!!! I LOVED every single word, every sentence, every comma and every period. I loved the nuance and I loved the picture it put in my head. This book needs to be read if only for that scene alone.

Wrapping up, this book is wonderful. I already have the next in the series on pre-order and I know I’ll be reading this book again and again – and soon. The first read went by too quickly. A hearty thumbs up for Alex by Sawyer Bennett.

 

******************

And now we have my review of the second one in the series...
 
 with a very different reaction



Garrett by Sawyer Bennett
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

I’ve had such a good run with Sawyer Bennett books so far this year. I think I’ve read more of her books than any other author. Alex in particular, was a most excellent read. So it’s with a great deal of sadness that I say the next book in the series, Garrett, isn’t working for me at all. Garrett played a role in the first book and now he stars in this one. To put it simply, Garrett is a pig, a man-whore, a player of more than just hockey. In almost the first scene in this book, he’s in bed with two women and he doesn’t even really remember their names. He never dates the same woman more than once. The one time he did go on three dates with a woman it was only that it took him that long to get into her pants – his words. Pig. Not. Hero. Material. Now the women who allow themselves to be treated like aren’t any better, but he is supposed to be a hero *snort*.

And then he sees Olivia at a pre-season team party, the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen and he is IN LUST yet again. He hits on her, but she’s not playing. It turns out they have mutual acquaintances and when they run into each other again, she has changed her mind and wants to be another notch in his very long, very notched belt. She is facing life altering events in her life and she wants to live it to the fullest and that includes having hot and heavy sex with a man she is very attracted to. And lo and behold, Alex is smitten. The man, who slept with over 50 different women a year, but never the same one twice, never wants to fuck another woman. Yep – that’s how he explains things. As does she. They are both very crude in their language with each other. Sawyer Bennett does write in graphic words but it’s never really stood out the way it does in this book. While not a prude, I did find the language offensive. I found Garrett offensive. I found Olivia offensive. There seemed to be no tenderness between them other than her illness, no tender murmurings, just plain gutter language – all the time. Dirty talk can be very sexy, but I found theirs ugly. I found their entire relationship sex based, not love based

I found her best friend offensive. Not so much that he was gay – but that he was FLAMING gay. I felt he was way too much of a stereotype. I found Alex and Sutton bland. They were such vivid characters in their own story. But I think the author gave them a boring pill for this book.

Another thing that really irritated me; Olivia’s mother came to stay with her for a while to help her through some rough times. Garrett and Olivia waited until she went to bed and then boffed like bunnies. No, just, no. I was young and horny and newly married once and slept under the same roof as family but I didn’t do any boffing.

And not finished yet, another thing I found unrealistic is Olivia’s reaction to her health condition. It barely seemed to really register with her. I get that a new relationship with a hot young hockey player would be number one on her mind, but I just found her reaction to her illness unbelievable. Towards the end, just when I thought it would be hard to dislike the characters any more, I did.

I love Sawyer Bennett books and considering the number I’ve loved, I’m not going to stop reading her, but I hope the next one I read is softer, gentler and more believable than this one. There are a lot of very positive reviews for this book so I feel like one of a very small group of salmon swimming upstream *grin* but I did not like this one, no I did not. I give it two stars because I finished it and it was quite readable.

Random Ramblings

Is that not a catchy title or what!!  I’m quite impressed I came with that jaunty heading.  I used to call these "Ponderings"  but I think I like this better.

Anyway – it’s Friday, my CC’s are all off which means I won’t have any new work coming to me.  I don’t have anyone sitting in my little quad pod – they are normally staffed by my missing Care Coordinators, so I’m lonely and as I’m also working the weekend, I want to have some things left to do.  Plus I’m bored.  So you get the meanderings of my mind.

I think many readers, somewhere in their psyche may have a writer in them.  I do, but I realized long ago that while I have the desire I do NOT have the talent to wright a romance book.  It would be so cliché ridden as to become a joke.  I tried to do one many years ago, got a page and a half written and it was such crap.  That’s why I admire the heck out of authors.  Even if I don’t love their books, I appreciate they can get it from their imaginations down to paper.  I have a number of stories floating around in my head that I’m constantly editing and changing, adding scenes and characters etc.  Now the two main characters of all the different stories have definite names and personalities.  And I found myself in an odd situation when my son and daughter in law decided to give the same name to their son, my grandson, to the hero of one of my oldest imagination books.  I don’t let out to people that I have imaginary stories with imaginary characters weaving through out my head so it was pure coincidence they chose the name Jace.

When they told me what they planned to name him, I was a tad flummoxed.  While I love the name, it’s in actual fact the name of an outlaw in the old west, who wants to escape his past and decides to head west when he comes across a wagon traveling west.  It was a lone wagon as they had been abandoned by the rest of the wagon train due to the illness and subsequent death of the mother and father of a young woman, Sarah.  Jace had planned on robbing the wagon and was spying on them from a distance when he saw the daughter break down, her father having just dies in her arms and her mother passed away the day before.  Jace rides to see her, still contemplating just robbing her but as inside he’s a good guy, agrees to accompany her to the next wagon train station they come across.  Of course once they get there, he can’t really leave her for one reason or another and agrees to take her on to another wagon train a few days ahead of them.

Right from the beginning he has strong feelings for Sarah, but denies them.  And Sarah sees him as her hero.

Anyway, anyway – how could I possibly tell my son that he couldn’t use that name as it was already taken…. by me????? And he was almost like Ryan’s younger imaginary brother – well – not really as this is a romance and I admit that Sarah and I may share some characteristics (Mary Sue).  I couldn’t.  So now what do I do?  Jace and Sarah have been percolating for years.  By now they are quite real.  But my little grandbaby is really real – not just imaginary real.  It’s too late to give “my” Jace a different name.

My son does not understand my passion for romances so it would have been way too odd to tell him you can’t name your son that because he’s also a character in my head.

 

I wonder if anyone else ever has this kind of thing happen to them?? 

And in acknowledgement – while there are some differences, there are many similarities in the story in my head to my MOST FAVOURITE WESTERN ROMANCE OF ALL TIME, Outlaw Heats by Roseanne Bittner – another reason I couldn’t write my own romance.  I would probably unwittingly steal from other authors whose stories I’ve loved.

Oh Happy Dance! Happy Day, Happy Dance! 

 

 

 This is one of the few books I would pay any price to buy as an ebook, but it’s not available as an ebook.  But just now, just for the hell of it I checked Amazon and I wish you could all see how excited I am at this moment, but it IS coming out as an ebook!! It is!  It is!  June 2/15 – I just pre-ordered it.

 

 

SWEET, SWEET, SWEET, SWEET.  The direction of this post certainly took

Recent Read

Since I went to see a real live Rock Star Tuesday night, I thought I'm make this my first review now that I'm back in the saddle.





Rise by Karina Bliss
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

4.5 Stars

I discovered Karina Bliss with What the Librarian Did, loved it, got all her backlist and have read every new book since then so it was a given that I would read Rise, her first single title and what seems to be the first of a series.

We first get to know Zander in Librarian and he's a first class, egotistical, selfish jerk. And he didn't really improve much in the next couple of books he appeared in. So I wasn't sure how I would react to him in Bliss and for at least the first half of the book it was not in a positive way and it was kind of tough going. It was Elizabeth, his biographer and his friend and eventually his lover that kept me reading a book when I didn't like the hero. Elizabeth makes for a wonderful heroine. She's funny, intelligent, grounded and more than capable of holing her own against the over-inflated ego that is Zander.

A bit about the book. Zander Freedman is the lead singer of a very popular Rock band named Rage. There decline is outlined in the book What the Librarian Did and is about Devin, Zander's younger brother and the lead bass. The band imploded when Devin collapsed onstage from over excess of the lifestyle that goes on with that kind of life. In Bliss, Zander has reformed the band with different musicians and is preparing to take Rage on a worldwide tour. In order to get even more publicity, he hires Elizabeth, a respected biographer of historical figures. She, of course, is reluctant as all get out since this kind of biography but Zander is a force to be reckoned with and is next to impossible to say no to with his charismatic ways.

So this is the story of Elizabeth trying to get the story from him. He dodges, cancels, only tells half truths and in general very difficult, but hard to stay angry at.

The book started out in my head as a 2, then as the book went along and Zander slowly became less of a prick, I upgraded to a 3, then a 3 1/2, then a 4 and ended as a 4 1/2. There was never any doubt though that Ms. Bliss lost no points as an author even if i wasnt feeling this one at the beginning and even as I was reading about this fairly dislikeable 'hero' I knew I'd be counting down until her next book in the series I enjoy her writing and stories that much.

So you did it Karina Bliss. You fully redeemed Zander Freedman for me so much to the point my throat was closing up as his was. You gave him the perfect partner in Elizabeth who could help with his oh so enjoyable transformation.

'Til later

******ETA*****

Because I was bored and fellow worker bees are still offering their help, I was checking out GoodReads for other reviews of this book and I stumbled upon a bit of news I hadn't really realized.  If you sign up for Karina Bliss' newsletter, there is a little bonus section where Zander meets Elizabeth's parents.  I did not know that.  Now I do, I signed up and I'm about to go on lunch and while on lunch, read said bonus!

Yep - believe it or not - I'm back again!

“Wowzers!” anyone still visiting here will be thinking.  “Wait a minute, didn’t you just do a post yesterday?”

Yes, yes I did and I’m doing another one today.  Work has slowed down considerably and I’m one of the few ones with stuff to do and I’m bombarded with other Assistants wanting to know if I need help.  I don’t really – but they want to do something and if I have them help me with my work, it gives me time to do this – win/win

I was brief yesterday but I’ll get more wordy today – something I’m always on board with.  What’s going on my life?  Let’s see.  Just got through a very tough time.  I’ve never named where I work here and don’t plan on doing it today.  But I will say I work in health care.  I work as an assistant to what we call Care Coordinators, most of them nurses.  They help arrange for home care for clients getting out of the hospitals, going to nursing homes (though I’ve nothing to do with that special focus) and kinds of other interesting things.  I have two Care Coordinators myself that I do administrative work for but I work on a team within a team with 16 in total and I love them.  I know people complain about the health care system in Ontario – and a lot of it with good reason.  But daily I see these people are dedicated to helping others and often go that extra mile.

Now they went on strike a few weeks ago.  Again, I’m not going into the issues, but what they were asking for was completely reasonable and all of their assistants all across the province were behind them 100%, encouraging them and offering all the support we could. 

  
But we are in a different union so we still had to go into work.  And because they were out and upper management were spread very thin, we assistants had to step up and take on a lot of the responsibilities that we are normally expected or trained to do.  We aren’t nurses and we don’t have the expertise we needed to handle a lot of the calls.  Some of the ones I took were SO difficult because they needed to speak to their coordinator and their Coordinator wasn’t there.  They are back at work now thank goodness, but it really did upset my depression apple cart.  I felt the same way as I did back in September when it was so bad.  But thankfully the meds I’m taking are good and our very dear Care Coordinators are back and my work world isn’t so topsy turvy again.

 In other news, I’m headed to RWA again year.  And me and Wendy are going to be roomies again – yea!!  We weren’t for a couple of years – she was Librarian of the Year – and most deservedly so – and last year I skipped it as the money was allocated to a total redo of my bathroom.  I’m so excited for that.  It’s tradition now *grin*

I’m also a grandma – not sure if I’ve blogged about that.  Yes, my youngest son and his wife whom I love to bits and bits had a little boy last October.  And Jace is his name.  He’s cute as a bug – as I imagine all grannies say about their granbabies.  It’s amazing how much I’d forgotten over the years about taking care of a newborn.  The holding the head thing freaked me out.  I’m glad he can hold his own head now.  Right now he’s in Mexico with his mama and papa.  Two weeks after that he’s headed to Florida with his mom and his other grandparents and in May he’s headed to Italy.  It’s very strange when six month old baby has done way more traveling than his granny.

While I haven’t been blogging lately – a long lately – I have been doing reviews on GoodReads.  I signed up there for a Challenge and gave myself 60 books to read this year.  Astonishingly I’m up to 30 all ready.  That’s what happens when you need a new cable box because the sound has gone on the one you have now.  And the only station where the sound is normal is CNN.  And as anyone who has tried to do it, watching CNN can be depressing!!!!! And – why is everything “
Breaking News” there??

I’d watch a story at say 5:00 pm and then again at 11:00 and it’s the same story and it’s still breaking.  Breaks don’t take that long.  I know.  I had a break in my leg and it only takes seconds.

Now, one might ask “But why doesn’t she just take the box back and get a new one instead of watching Wolf Blitzer every day.”  And that would be a real good question, I don’t like Wolf Blitzer.  I do like Anderson Cooper though.  I think everyone likes Anderson Cooper – how can you not?   The answer as to why I haven’t got a new box is I don’t really have an answer for that – except it’s electronicky and I don’t like electronicky.  I don’t watch much TV except for Face Off every Tuesday.  And I’ve gotten pretty fast at reading the captions.   I will have to before April though when the next season of Outlander comes on.  We have to have good sound for that – it’s imperative. 

But, I’ve read a lot more books than usual.  And I’ve done reviews for all of them at Goodreads and it seems easy as anything to copy and paste them on the blog.  So that’s what I plan to do – that along with my ramblings about all kinds of stuff.

And my final rambling of today……  This was who I saw last night and he was WONDERFUL!!!

I saw him 30 years ago on his Reckless tour the first time around and now I saw him again last night.  He's looking much older.  Of course when I saw him the first time it was The Palace of Auborn Hills and he was at the front and we were at the very back so he was about 1/2 inch tall.  And while our tickets last night were very good, I have, I think, 5 pairs of glasses for me near sightedness - I think that's when you can't see things far away - which makes no sense - and I couldn't find a one of them.  So while he was much bigger last night, he was also quite fuzzy.





OK, OK, OK - since his Mama pastes his pics on Facebook all the time - is he not just cute as a button?  Was I right or was I right!

and what does it say about me that I make the picture of Bryan Adams bigger than the one of my grandson????  I think it's maybe because I'm still not 100% on board posting pics of him - granbaby that is - not Bryan.

Yes indeedy, it is me making a rare appearnce

Hi!  Yes!!  It is indeed me again after yet another lengthy unplanned absence.  But I had to come back – hopefully more often – but also to give some great news.  I very rarely send fan letters to authors.  I should do it more often – we all want to hear when we do a good job and that job has made others feel good, but I alas, I am remiss.  I did however send one letter of appreciation and inquiry lately.  I was so excited when I saw that Lord of the Storm and Skypirate were released as ebooks.  I’ve already bought, read and loved them all over again.  But another series she wrote I equally loved – the Hawk Trilogy.  Buoyed by the excitement of finding the Coalition books out as ebooks, I wrote to her to see if there were any plans for the Hawk series.  I head back from her on Monday and yes indeed the Hawk ones were coming out – in fact the first one, Wild Hawk, was coming out Feb 24/15 with the next two planned for March and April. 

Well, lickety split, before one could say uncle, I raced over to Amazon and pre-ordered it.  And since TODAY is Feb 24/15, well, it was like my birthday when I first checked out my Kindle app.  I’m just about finished a book, but you can bet your bottom dollar you can all guess what my next one will be.   It’s been years since I read it, but I looooved it.  It’s one I’ve never forgotten over the years.  Here is the synopsis:

"Jason Hawk only came to his father's funeral to spit on his grave. That was the best the old man deserved from the bastard son he'd never given a damn about. The son whose plan for revenge had now been derailed by Aaron Hawk's death. Or had it?

Kendall Chase was Aaron Hawk's smart and efficient executive assistant, and had come to know a side of the old man that few saw. But convincing Jason there had been more to his father, more to his whole life's story than Jason knew, wasn't easy. He was as tough as the father he hated. And more compelling than any man she'd ever met.

Convincing him the mysterious Hawk family book, a history now chronicling treachery and murder, had answers even for things yet to occur, was a much bigger job. Despite his attraction to her, the only part of Kendall's stories Jason believes is that his father's vicious widow is determined to see that Jason gets none of the inheritance left him.

In the end, Jason has to make a decision. Is the magic real? Or more importantly, is the revenge he's wanted for nearly 30 years, worth losing Kendall"

A little bit of this and a little bit of that

I'm starting to do much better now.  I'm on a different medication and it's finally starting to kick in.  I'm back to car dancing again when a song I like comes on the radio.  That's where the upper half of me moves to the beat of the music when stuck at a traffic light.  I think people in cars around me wonder at the crazed woman next to them, but I have fun.  My coworkers are starting to notice a change.  I'm back to being the 'fun' one again.  I really missed being me.
 I did do myself no favours though when I started running real low on the new medication and rather than going back and getting my prescription renewed, I started taking less, missing a day here or there and/or taking the medication I was taking.  But they say we learn more from our mistakes and I learned a LOT from that STUPID mistake.  If I didn't know how much better I was doing before that I certainly found out then.  So a very strong word of advice from those who suffer from depression.  Medication really does work and DO NOT be afraid to take it.  I know part of our brain will tell us it's all in our head - and while technically it is, the right medication can really make a difference is us being the people we are supposed to be rather than the person that depression makes us.

I would say I'm at least 80% back and the difference between where I am now and where I was even a month ago is like night and day.

*******~~~~~~~*******

One of the things I'm working on is slowly getting all my most favourite books downloaded to either Kindle or Kobo or IBooks - I do a lot of comparison shopping and whichever deal is best.  Many of them are older books and good luck in finding some at reasonable prices or even at all.  Dreaming of You by Lisa Kleypas for example is $9.17 for the Kindle book, $8.99 for the Kobo and $8.99 on IBooks.  Hell will freeze over before I EVER pay that much more for an ebook then a print copy.  At this point I will state categorically that I HATE what Random House is doing.  They may have lowered their prices in the US, but it hasn't made it's way north of the border.

I will go looking for my favourite books only to be disappointed again and again thought I have managed to get quite a few.  But every once in a while it's like I get the best gift in the whole world when I find an ebook I've been wanting ever since I joined the world of ereading.

Such is the case with Justine Davis.  I've enjoyed many, many of her books but two stand out a bit more that the others, Lord of the Storm and Skypirate.  I've  blogged about them before and they are two of the best SciFi/Futuristic books I've read and I have read a GREAT number of them.  And in particular, the hero of Skypirate has THE best name of a hero I've every come across - Dax Silverbrake.   I mean is that a cook name or what????   I thought it was the best name ever when I first read the book in 1995 and I still haven't come across a hero's name that beats it. 

I check every few months, hoping either or have been reissued as ebooks and I did so again a week or so ago.  I was ecstatic, ecstatic I tell you to discover that yes indeed, they have been reissued as ebooks.  And not only that - I'm almost giddy with this news - Ms. Davis is planning on bringing out a whole new book in the Coalition series.  I remember reading years ago that she had plans on writing more in this series but the publishers weren't interested.  I've already bought and read Lord of the Storm and Skypirate just came out Oct 16 and you can bet the bank that it will be loaded up onto my tablet very shortly.  The only hitch at the moment is I have Lord of the Storm on my Kobo but Skypirate is only on Amazon at the moment and I kind of want to keep them on the same reading device instead of one on Kobo, the other on Kindle.  Thank the stars that the wonderful *happy dance* world of self-publishing and ebooks has changed the game.  And in many cases the author and the readers are the winners

Ponderings

As my mood is down in the dumps – so is a lot of my television viewing.  I confess to watching TMZ.  I was watching the clip yesterday they had of Ray Rice of the Baltimore Ravens knocking his then fiancé out cold then dragging her out of the elevator like a bag of garbage.  I, along with any who has seen the video was horrified watching it.  That a man could do that kind of thing to a woman is frightening and no excuses, he should go to jail and he should be banned.

But in all honesty, what I found equally horrifying is that since that incident, she MARRIED him. OMG!  What kind of fool is she?  They guy is obviously a thug who should be doing time and rather than getting far, far away from that animal, she MARRIES him.  I do not understand why she would do such a thing.  No way can I believe it’s because she looooooves him.  One would have to have zero self-respect to claim that and I’m just not buying it.  All I can think is it must be the money.  And what a sad thing is that.  If he did something like that even before they were married when life was good, what on earth will happen now that his life is deservedly falling apart, what can she expect now?  Whatever it is, I am sad to say she won’t get sympathy from me.  I am in no way shape or form excusing him – AT ALL – but what does it say about her?

 

I also have been watching Big Brother.  Never really watched it before but hey – I’m living in the basement of life these days so its basement TV.  I don’t get this show.  I don’t get that people are such big fans they want to be on it.  I can only think they want their “15 minutes of fame”.  Why else would you be willingly followed by a camera 24/7 that can watch you do just about anything and have complete strangers watch any time of the night or day.  Why else would you knowingly make friends with people who would stab you in the back without a second thought with the nebulous excuse ‘well, I heard you said this about me”.  Yes, years ago I was caught up in the Survivor experience too like so many others who were introduced to reality TV, but Big Brother takes it a whole other level and I don’t get the appeal.  And this is coming from someone whose two favourite shows are reality, elimination type shows, So You Think You Can Dance and Face Off.  But in both those shows it’s either the audience or judges who do the eliminating and you can see there is a real bond between contestants.  They work together and when someone is sent home, they really are sad and not rubbing their hands in glee that another one bit the dust.  I think the thing that bugs me the most is all the hugging.  Stabbing them in the back and then hugging them goodbye just doesn’t work for me.  No amount of money is worth it.  They can also get pretty nasty on Master Chef too though it’s Chef Ramsay and company that sends the contestants home.

 

Now on the plus side, I’m REALLY enjoying Outlander.  I read the first book but didn’t really continue on with the series after that one – the size of them intimidates me.  But the series is working just fine, just fine indeedy.  Ach Jamie.

I’m not reading these days, don’t seem to have the  concentration, so no real thoughts on romance reading, thus another ‘ponderings’ post.

 

'til later

I had a good day yesterday and thought that would be the start of coming back.  I’d gotten a new doctor, got new medication for depression, and had a session with the councilor the day before.  Yesterday I stopped and got new stickers for the car – I should have had them a month ago and was driving on borrowed time, getting quite concerned whenever I saw a cop car thinking I’d get pulled over – deservedly so.  But how would I explain that no, I didn’t get my sticker yet because it was too overwhelming and I was driving on out of date insurance slips because no, I hadn’t opened the mail when they came and now I don’t know where I put them.  Unless I was young and very attractive I don’t think that excuse would have worked – and even if I were – chances are I’d still get a ticket.  But I did find the slips and everything is OK on that front.  Now, as I said to my coworkers this morning, if I get pulled over it will be probably for speeding – deservedly so – not for outdated license stickers.

But I got up this morning and it was if the better day yesterday never happened.  It was SUCH  struggle to even get out of bed.  If I hadn’t called in sick earlier this week (though I did go after all – a couple hours late) then had a breakdown at work the next day; and if we weren’t very short staffed this week, I would have skipped the work thing today.

I mired in despair for a bit, still there mostly, but I did make it to work – then told myself this is going to happen.  There WILL still be bad days, probably many more than good days for a while.  But the time WILL come when it turns around and the good days start to outnumber the bad.

My house is a mess and it’s slowly been getting worse over the past six months, to the point I don’t feel comfortable having anyone over.  But the reno guy is coming on Monday.  One of my coworkers is coming over tomorrow to help me clean up and that is stressing me out – maybe why today is a bad day.  She knows what I’m going through as she does to and is telling me not to worry – but then that’s almost like telling me not to breath – impossible.  So I’m breaking it down into tiny bits.  I wrote out a list of things I think I am capable of doing to kind of be ready to have someone over.  I will never be really ready the state I’m in but I have to deal with what I can do.  I’m thinking for the time being I might have to carry around a notebook and pen and do that – write down small things that are accomplishable and realistic all things considered.

And I certainly am glad I had the foresight years ago when I started this blog to call it RAMBLINGS on Romance ETC. ETC. ETC.  I sure am rambling about etc. aren’t I?

And another good thing about the day - I am ROCKIN' a good hair do.

What seems like baby steps are actually huge steps when one is in the depths of depression.  I was thinking last night; one of my favourite books is Alice in Wonderland.  She enters Wonderland by falling down the rabbit hole.  That’s kind of what it’s like only one isn’t entering Wonderland.  At the bottom of this rabbit hole it’s dark and nobody can see you and you can’t see them and that’s the way you want it to be.  Isolating ourselves is one of the things we do best – at least isolating ourselves from the ones we care most about.  I could function very well on one level, I planned a Bilbo Baggins type party for my 60^th birthday  - inviting 22 people and had a wonderful time, I came to work just about every day; I may have taken one or two ‘mental health’ days but many less than some people.  I was fun at work and did fine on phone calls.  It’s only the ones we love the best at least in my case I have the hardest time dealing with.  And then that creates a whole new set of issues as they don’t really know or is some cases understand.  I read up on the symptoms of acute depression and that’s where I’m at and one of them is self-loathing and that I can really relate to.  The more I draw in, the more I hate what I’m doing to them and to myself, thus causing me to draw in more.  And they don’t know what I’m going through ‘cause I don’t call them, or see them or tell them, thus causing even more self-loathing.  It’s a vicious, vicious circle and I wish I knew the answer for everyone or what to tell people who love someone who suffers from it.  I think it may depend on the severity.  Suicide for example, has never been a concern in my case though I do understand the utter hopelessness people contemplating it feel.  As I said, self-loathing is a symptom but I’m still rational enough to know that would make my family really hate what I did and the aftermath would be unfair to them – the thoughts of closing the house itself for example.  I have over 40 boxes of books in one room alone and I’m sure they’d be cursing me with every box they removed.  And then they would probably burn them they’d be so angry and we can’t have that!!  But that’s me and loved ones don’t know what’s in the heart and mind of someone who’s not doing well, so doing nothing might not be so good.  I think just contact them and be gentle and patient and not expect a long answer unless the sufferer is in a ‘moment’.  And even if they are thinking “I wish they would just smarten up and get over it” try and understand it’s not that simple.  After my Keeping up with the Karsdashian’s weekend marathon it’s obviously something Kim doesn’t get but Kloe does about Rob (“self-absorbed little twit” she muttered).  Most important to family – know that it’s not lack of love that’s keeping the depressed person isolated, it’s the depression itself.  Now poor Rob is probably experiencing self-loathing for missing the twit’s wedding.

I LOVE the song Stuck in a Moment by U2.  The following lyrics couldn’t BE more perfect.  I’ve sung it to myself many a time over the years:

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

 

This is exactly how it feels – like we are stuck in a moment – only it’s longer than a moment, and we really can’t get out it no matter how hard we try.  But as hard as it seems to believe – to the point of impossibility, it’s just a moment and this time will pass.

 

And to end on a more positive note – and using metaphors which I love to do, I hit the floor of the rabbit hole – hard – but now I’m standing up, brushing off all the dirt and looking up for a way out.

I’ve always been almost way too open here.  I’ve shared things that after I posted I think to myself “I can’t believe I wrote and posted that!  And here I go again with probably the same response after.

 

I have suffered from depression for years.  I’ve blogged about it before.  No biggie in a way, so many people do, and I’ve been able to hold it at bay for quite some time with medication.  But the medication gradually stopped working, I think I’d say about 6 months ago, and I’ve slowly, without really realizing it, started suffering the symptoms.  I reached the bottom on the weekend just past.  It was a long weekend and I sat in my house with the air conditioning real low, covered in a blanket, wearing dirty clothes when I bothered to get dressed late in the day, the blind closed and watched mindless television – I mean we are talking Naked Dating and Keeping up with the Kardashian.  It doesn’t get much lower than that.  At the same time I was having a full blown junk food pig out, anything to keep me from ‘feeling’ anything.  Over the past 6 months I’ve pretty much put on all the weight back on I worked so hard to get rid of and Monday was my rock bottom.  It’s hard to put into words the horrible sense of being overwhelmed by the most simplest of things are.  Things I could handle with both hands tied behind my back are beyond me.  Before I went to the cottage, packing my luggage was beyond me and I left it until the morning of and then just threw stuff in – dirty or clean – it didn’t matter.  Thank goodness the cottage had a washer and dryer and others were constantly doing laundry.  I still haven’t unpacked yet and that was over a week ago.  My luggage is still sitting in the living room.  I seem to have fruit flies and rather than pulverizing the little buggers with my vacuum and then a bit of kitty litter, I’m crying over them.  My bathroom renovation guy was supposed to start my bathroom on Tuesday, but I called and postponed it because I haven’t been able to do housework – even though I desperately want to – and I couldn’t have him working in my house the way it looks now.  I was supposed to get my car sticker renewed by August 11^th but I still haven’t done it.

I’m managing to go to work as I love my job and coworkers and weird as it sounds, work is my ‘safe place’ right now.  But I did call in sick yesterday; not physically sick, but mentally and emotionally sick.  No matter what I’ve tried nothing works and I did something even worse with bad results I can’t even think about without feeling sick to my stomach about.

So.  After I called in sick yesterday with the thoughts of doing housework so I could have Reno guy in to do my bathroom and I STILL just sat there not even moving, I realized I’d hit rock bottom (or so I thought but that goes with the last sentence in the above paragraph).  We have an Employee Assistance Program but I didn’t have the number so I got dressed – no makeup, no bling, no hair fixing – and came into work.  It was obvious that I was a mess emotionally wise.  But I did get through the day, in fact I even worked late.  I called and have an appointment with a counselor today so I’m leaving early for it.  I did literally fall apart here at work earlier today and my Manager got me the name of a doctor and I also called them to get in for more medication.

 

So, I will blog about my journey back, hoping that it might connect with someone reading who is going through the same thing.  Although I can’t imagine it at the moment, I have to believe it can be done.  The thing about depression is it’s hidden.  Outwardly I seemed happy and my normal easy going self except the weight gain.  But on the inside, where no one can see, I am/was falling apart.

 

To be continued