I’ve always been almost way too open here. I’ve shared things that after I posted I think to myself “I can’t believe I wrote and posted that! And here I go again with probably the same response after.
I have suffered from depression for years. I’ve blogged about it before. No biggie in a way, so many people do, and I’ve been able to hold it at bay for quite some time with medication. But the medication gradually stopped working, I think I’d say about 6 months ago, and I’ve slowly, without really realizing it, started suffering the symptoms. I reached the bottom on the weekend just past. It was a long weekend and I sat in my house with the air conditioning real low, covered in a blanket, wearing dirty clothes when I bothered to get dressed late in the day, the blind closed and watched mindless television – I mean we are talking Naked Dating and Keeping up with the Kardashian. It doesn’t get much lower than that. At the same time I was having a full blown junk food pig out, anything to keep me from ‘feeling’ anything. Over the past 6 months I’ve pretty much put on all the weight back on I worked so hard to get rid of and Monday was my rock bottom. It’s hard to put into words the horrible sense of being overwhelmed by the most simplest of things are. Things I could handle with both hands tied behind my back are beyond me. Before I went to the cottage, packing my luggage was beyond me and I left it until the morning of and then just threw stuff in – dirty or clean – it didn’t matter. Thank goodness the cottage had a washer and dryer and others were constantly doing laundry. I still haven’t unpacked yet and that was over a week ago. My luggage is still sitting in the living room. I seem to have fruit flies and rather than pulverizing the little buggers with my vacuum and then a bit of kitty litter, I’m crying over them. My bathroom renovation guy was supposed to start my bathroom on Tuesday, but I called and postponed it because I haven’t been able to do housework – even though I desperately want to – and I couldn’t have him working in my house the way it looks now. I was supposed to get my car sticker renewed by August 11th but I still haven’t done it.
I’m managing to go to work as I love my job and coworkers and weird as it sounds, work is my ‘safe place’ right now. But I did call in sick yesterday; not physically sick, but mentally and emotionally sick. No matter what I’ve tried nothing works and I did something even worse with bad results I can’t even think about without feeling sick to my stomach about.
So. After I called in sick yesterday with the thoughts of doing housework so I could have Reno guy in to do my bathroom and I STILL just sat there not even moving, I realized I’d hit rock bottom (or so I thought but that goes with the last sentence in the above paragraph). We have an Employee Assistance Program but I didn’t have the number so I got dressed – no makeup, no bling, no hair fixing – and came into work. It was obvious that I was a mess emotionally wise. But I did get through the day, in fact I even worked late. I called and have an appointment with a counselor today so I’m leaving early for it. I did literally fall apart here at work earlier today and my Manager got me the name of a doctor and I also called them to get in for more medication.
So, I will blog about my journey back, hoping that it might connect with someone reading who is going through the same thing. Although I can’t imagine it at the moment, I have to believe it can be done. The thing about depression is it’s hidden. Outwardly I seemed happy and my normal easy going self except the weight gain. But on the inside, where no one can see, I am/was falling apart.