I had a good day yesterday and thought that would be the start of coming back.  I’d gotten a new doctor, got new medication for depression, and had a session with the councilor the day before.  Yesterday I stopped and got new stickers for the car – I should have had them a month ago and was driving on borrowed time, getting quite concerned whenever I saw a cop car thinking I’d get pulled over – deservedly so.  But how would I explain that no, I didn’t get my sticker yet because it was too overwhelming and I was driving on out of date insurance slips because no, I hadn’t opened the mail when they came and now I don’t know where I put them.  Unless I was young and very attractive I don’t think that excuse would have worked – and even if I were – chances are I’d still get a ticket.  But I did find the slips and everything is OK on that front.  Now, as I said to my coworkers this morning, if I get pulled over it will be probably for speeding – deservedly so – not for outdated license stickers.

But I got up this morning and it was if the better day yesterday never happened.  It was SUCH  struggle to even get out of bed.  If I hadn’t called in sick earlier this week (though I did go after all – a couple hours late) then had a breakdown at work the next day; and if we weren’t very short staffed this week, I would have skipped the work thing today.

I mired in despair for a bit, still there mostly, but I did make it to work – then told myself this is going to happen.  There WILL still be bad days, probably many more than good days for a while.  But the time WILL come when it turns around and the good days start to outnumber the bad.

My house is a mess and it’s slowly been getting worse over the past six months, to the point I don’t feel comfortable having anyone over.  But the reno guy is coming on Monday.  One of my coworkers is coming over tomorrow to help me clean up and that is stressing me out – maybe why today is a bad day.  She knows what I’m going through as she does to and is telling me not to worry – but then that’s almost like telling me not to breath – impossible.  So I’m breaking it down into tiny bits.  I wrote out a list of things I think I am capable of doing to kind of be ready to have someone over.  I will never be really ready the state I’m in but I have to deal with what I can do.  I’m thinking for the time being I might have to carry around a notebook and pen and do that – write down small things that are accomplishable and realistic all things considered.

And I certainly am glad I had the foresight years ago when I started this blog to call it RAMBLINGS on Romance ETC. ETC. ETC.  I sure am rambling about etc. aren’t I?

And another good thing about the day - I am ROCKIN' a good hair do.