Friday, September 05, 2014

I had a good day yesterday and thought that would be the start of coming back.  I’d gotten a new doctor, got new medication for depression, and had a session with the councilor the day before.  Yesterday I stopped and got new stickers for the car – I should have had them a month ago and was driving on borrowed time, getting quite concerned whenever I saw a cop car thinking I’d get pulled over – deservedly so.  But how would I explain that no, I didn’t get my sticker yet because it was too overwhelming and I was driving on out of date insurance slips because no, I hadn’t opened the mail when they came and now I don’t know where I put them.  Unless I was young and very attractive I don’t think that excuse would have worked – and even if I were – chances are I’d still get a ticket.  But I did find the slips and everything is OK on that front.  Now, as I said to my coworkers this morning, if I get pulled over it will be probably for speeding – deservedly so – not for outdated license stickers.

But I got up this morning and it was if the better day yesterday never happened.  It was SUCH  struggle to even get out of bed.  If I hadn’t called in sick earlier this week (though I did go after all – a couple hours late) then had a breakdown at work the next day; and if we weren’t very short staffed this week, I would have skipped the work thing today.

I mired in despair for a bit, still there mostly, but I did make it to work – then told myself this is going to happen.  There WILL still be bad days, probably many more than good days for a while.  But the time WILL come when it turns around and the good days start to outnumber the bad.

My house is a mess and it’s slowly been getting worse over the past six months, to the point I don’t feel comfortable having anyone over.  But the reno guy is coming on Monday.  One of my coworkers is coming over tomorrow to help me clean up and that is stressing me out – maybe why today is a bad day.  She knows what I’m going through as she does to and is telling me not to worry – but then that’s almost like telling me not to breath – impossible.  So I’m breaking it down into tiny bits.  I wrote out a list of things I think I am capable of doing to kind of be ready to have someone over.  I will never be really ready the state I’m in but I have to deal with what I can do.  I’m thinking for the time being I might have to carry around a notebook and pen and do that – write down small things that are accomplishable and realistic all things considered.

And I certainly am glad I had the foresight years ago when I started this blog to call it RAMBLINGS on Romance ETC. ETC. ETC.  I sure am rambling about etc. aren’t I?

And another good thing about the day - I am ROCKIN' a good hair do.


azteclady said...

Kristie, if I may? In your list of accomplishable things to do, also note the things you DO do.

I know it helps me to realize that I do things, even small things--even if it's a fraction of the big picture I need to do, I can look at this list and see that I *have* done something, that I'm not a total waste, that the day is not a total loss.

It helps me, perhaps it can help you as well *hug*

Kristie (J) said...

AL, that's a good idea. Sometimes I get lost on what I haven't managed to do instead of what I have. Thank you.

Brandy said...

Every day you manage to somehow put one foot in front of the other is a day filled with accomplishments. I am so proud of you for all that you do. Hugs.

Wendy said...

So I've been crap for leaving comments, but I promise you I have read ALL your posts. Yes, you should never be afraid to ask for help even though you might start worrying. Oh like asking Wendy for help on getting back on your blog :) You have friends, and really that's what friends are for, right? They're there for the good and the not-so-good, without judgment. And, well, if there is judgment then eff 'em. They ain't friends.

I'm a big believer in making lists. I don't suffer from depression or anxiety but everybody feels overwhelmed at some time or another! Making lists is how I got through The Job Shake-Up a few years back. I felt so overwhelmed, like there was no way I would ever get it all done. So to keep myself sane, I made lists. It was so satisfying to cross things off! It really helped me focus on what I did get accomplished instead of the stuff I hadn't gotten done. Plus it is so easy to let The Big Tasks paralyze you to the point where everything grinds to a halt. Sometimes you just need to focus on the baby steps to get yourself started - but that's a challenge when you're feeling overwhelmed by the mountain ahead.

Jennifer Denning said...

Welcome back. I love to read and I have depression, which has reared its ugly head recently and I have been really struggling. I understand the anxiety about driving with expired things.