Tomorrow is Ron's birthday. He would have been 53. As the day has been approaching, I've been wondering what to do and how I would handle it. He was never one to make much of his birthday. Make him a Cherry Cheesecake and he was happy. He didn't even really want presents, he always said to save them for Christmas - but of course I couldn't do that. But it was always so hard to figure out what to get him for both his birthday and Christmas. I always felt like I was cheating him out of something somehow, but he never thought so.
I debated on taking the day off, but I think he would be annoyed with me if I did. So I'm going to go to work in the morning and somehow tough it out. Then later in the day, Brent and Ryan and I are going to the cemetary. It will be the first time I've been there. I'm planning on taking flowers. He doesn't have a headstone - they don't allow them in there. But he does have a plaque with a place you can put flowers. I think I'll call his Mom and see if she wants to come with us, but I don't know if she will want to or not. As hard a day as it will be for me and our sons, I think it will be just as hard on her. Ryan and I stopped over there on Saturday and she gave me a picture. They were always taking pictures of us and I never liked them much but this one I do.
Ron and I were going to a wedding that day. It was one of the few times he actually wore a suit. As you can tell by the very 80's hairstyle I had, this is a very old picture. And I was certainly a lot slimmer back in those days.
Brent and Ryan sure do look different too *g*. They were both so blond when they were little, but they certainly didn't stay blond, especially Ryan, the cute little one in front of me. His hair - what he has of it - they both like to keep it very short, completely different from their dad, is very dark. And they are both quite tall. Much taller than short little me!
But except for a lot less hair, Ron hardly changed at all from this picture. He's so handsome isn't he? Unlike most guys, he never got a beer gut and stayed in shape most of his life until the last year. That's why it doesn't seem right.
What I really want to do tomorrow though, is curl in a little ball and howl out my pain. That's what I want to do a lot of the time.
Oh God - I miss him so much!
But - I don't think he'd be happy with me if I did that. He didn't want my crying when he was so sick so I tried not to in front of him. I tried to be brave and I let him know every day how much I loved him. I didn't tell him how scared I was of being left alone. Brent and Ryan have both been very good in helping me. But they both have their own lives to live. And it's different for them. I lost my dad too so I know how much it hurts knowing he's gone, but it's so different losing the person you love most in life.
I think Ron would be proud of how well I'm coping - at least some of the time. I'm managing to pay the bills - something I know he was worried about me remembering to do. And I found another job, even if it's probably temporary, but that was a big hurdle. I still see friends and I have made so many wonderful ones online.
I haven't become bitter or angry. My faith has helped considerably with that. And I'm able to laugh at life - something he always loved about me.
But there is a huge hole inside of me full of emptiness and pain and longing.
So, I'm dreading tomorrow and I just hope it passes quickly. And while I won't take the whole day, I think I will curl up for a time and remember him and mourn for him and cry for what we've lost.