OK, I’m Here again.

I’ve been going through a whole lot the past while.  I’ve been wanting to keep blogging but one of the “things” was my wifi didn’t work for a long time.  I had someone over to do a bunch of handyman type stuff and getting my wifi up and running was the greatest of all the things he fixed.  I didn’t realize how much emptier my life had become until I got it back.  I was cut off from the romance community and the “community, from readers to authors have been such a rich and vital part of my life for years.  I was starving but didn’t know it.

But now it’s almost like I’m experiencing a rebirth of sorts. I’ve long known I have deep seated issues but again I didn’t know how deeply broken I’ve been until I’ve started healing.  I’ve been going for counseling regularly and shit is coming out that I didn’t even know was there.  But I found myself laughing at work a week or so again and it was a meaningful laugh like I haven’t had for a few years now and it felt WONDERFUL.  That’s when it truly dawned on me I’ve been almost just existing for a long while; going through the motions but skimming through a lot of things.

Oddly enough it was a heart attack I had a couple of months ago that was the awakening I needed.  Before that I wasn’t actively suicidle (crap, can’t figure out how to spell that) but a part of me didn’t care if I died.  I know, it was a horrible existence.  I didn’t WANT to, but didn’t care if I did.

But now, having lived in that black tunnel for a while, I discovered I wasn’t ready to “go” yet.  I’m walking and eating ever so much better and realizing I can do something.  I’ve started buying much better quality clothes and using a very good moisturizer- sounds silly and shallow but it’s a sign that things are starting to matter again.

I don’t have a relationship with either of my sons and haven’t for a couple of years now and it’s one of the things that has kept me broken but now that I’m healing I’ll soon be well enough I think, to handle the pain that’s going to come and handle the rejection there’s a good chance I’ll face.

But this is a thank you to the romance community.  Although I didn’t reach out for help, I was too broken, I know it’s always been there just waiting for me to reach out.

Obviously it isn’t perfect, there are as many opinions as there are members, and some very strong women, which we need.  But still we have something very precious and when things look grim, we do have something stronger which can hold us together if we allow it.  Love.