Saturday, May 18, 2019

OK, I’m Here again.

I’ve been going through a whole lot the past while.  I’ve been wanting to keep blogging but one of the “things” was my wifi didn’t work for a long time.  I had someone over to do a bunch of handyman type stuff and getting my wifi up and running was the greatest of all the things he fixed.  I didn’t realize how much emptier my life had become until I got it back.  I was cut off from the romance community and the “community, from readers to authors have been such a rich and vital part of my life for years.  I was starving but didn’t know it.

But now it’s almost like I’m experiencing a rebirth of sorts. I’ve long known I have deep seated issues but again I didn’t know how deeply broken I’ve been until I’ve started healing.  I’ve been going for counseling regularly and shit is coming out that I didn’t even know was there.  But I found myself laughing at work a week or so again and it was a meaningful laugh like I haven’t had for a few years now and it felt WONDERFUL.  That’s when it truly dawned on me I’ve been almost just existing for a long while; going through the motions but skimming through a lot of things.

Oddly enough it was a heart attack I had a couple of months ago that was the awakening I needed.  Before that I wasn’t actively suicidle (crap, can’t figure out how to spell that) but a part of me didn’t care if I died.  I know, it was a horrible existence.  I didn’t WANT to, but didn’t care if I did.

But now, having lived in that black tunnel for a while, I discovered I wasn’t ready to “go” yet.  I’m walking and eating ever so much better and realizing I can do something.  I’ve started buying much better quality clothes and using a very good moisturizer- sounds silly and shallow but it’s a sign that things are starting to matter again.

I don’t have a relationship with either of my sons and haven’t for a couple of years now and it’s one of the things that has kept me broken but now that I’m healing I’ll soon be well enough I think, to handle the pain that’s going to come and handle the rejection there’s a good chance I’ll face.

But this is a thank you to the romance community.  Although I didn’t reach out for help, I was too broken, I know it’s always been there just waiting for me to reach out.

Obviously it isn’t perfect, there are as many opinions as there are members, and some very strong women, which we need.  But still we have something very precious and when things look grim, we do have something stronger which can hold us together if we allow it.  Love.

4 comments:

azteclady said...

I cannot tell you how much all of this resonates with me, Miss Kristie (among other reasons, because I'm myself going through too many similar things right now.

I am so glad things are better, despite all the stuff that is out of your hands to "fix" and I'm am so glad you felt supported by the romance community online (boy, I feel this in my bones!)

We are here, a little more fragmented that we've been for a while, but we *are* here for you.

So many hugs, Kristie, so many!

Wendy said...

What AL said. The community is still here - a little more fragmented, but still here and still supportive. So keep throwing stuff up on your Internet wall. Trust me, someone is reading it, feeling it, and it's resonating with them - even if blogging isn't the hot new thing du jour anymore.

I'm sorry about a lot of this. The learning to accept things you can't necessarily change is a constant work in progress for so many of us!

We're only a couple months away from NYC! We'll have a nice long catch-up, I'll fret over you post-heart attack (just submit to it - it's going to happen. Wendy's a fretter...), and I'll do my best to not derail your new healthy lifestyle choices. I'm fully expecting to fall off my diet wagon while at RWA but hopefully it will be a minor trip as opposed to a full blown face plant.

SonomaLass said...

Welcome back! We have missed you. You are important to us. I'm really happy to hear that things are looking better.

Kristie (J) said...

AL, I determined long ago near the beginning of my blogging to be as real as I could be. I use my real name, though not the full name and I’ve always tried to be honest. But I had no idea at the time I’d be so open about my personal life. But I’ve realized we are kind of like icebergs, so much of who we are is unseen. But that keeps us isolated and feeling we are alone and no one would understand. But ‘letting it all out hopefully affirms to others they AREN’T alone and there is someone else who knows and has been to that dar place too. In fact there are so many more than we realize. And it helps so much knowing we aren’t alone. It’s like we aren’t the only star in the night. There I rambled didn’t I? I followed my motto of why in 10 words what I can say in 100. I hope what I have to say and what I go through myself help. And knowing I have such a full net in the romance community is an amazing thing.

Wendy *grin* you aren’t the only one ‘fretting’. I’m in contact with my sister more now so they know how I’m doing and I have my cell phone charged and close to me now. Im still not great on figuring out how to answer it but I’m ever so much better at texting. And I’m so excited that it’s not long before we’re roomies again. I’m in training for it.

SonomaLass, I’ve never really completely left. I’ve just been more scarce and lurking underground - from work - with my screen set quite small so I wouldn’t get busted. But not very often in case anyone from work happens to read this - heh, heh, heh. But I couldn’t be nearly as immersed in the community as I’ve been in years past. But now that my wifi is back and I know how to fix it if blinks out again *fingers crossed*, the plan is to back in.