Spilling my guts

When I was going through my long period of ever increasing depression last year and even into the earlier part of this year, I suffered a lot of issues that weren’t good for me.  But one of the most devastating and common when suffering from depression is weight gain.  I read that on the internet.   I have ALWAYS felt overweight even though I wasn’t when I was younger, I just felt I was.  I find it tragic they way women are made to feel about themselves and we can see the affects in society, bulimia, anorexia, bullying and a general self-loathing towards our body.  This works on us and shapes who we are and who we become.  I find this so sad as one of those who felt that way.  It took me years to realize that I wasn't fat all those years I thought I was and I think it's only gotten worse for young women in particular through the years.

But when my husband was so sick and then after he died, I really started going downhill.  He had esophageal cancer and with that particular kind, he couldn’t eat solids really, only soups and the like.  He could only drink Ensure and Boost for the protein and caloric intake, but he hated them.  Because of that, I was very uncomfortable eating around him – doing something he couldn’t do.  As a result I developed horrible eating habits.  I’d eat bad and quick food late at night after he went to bed.  Junk food was easy and didn't make the house smell wonderful.

Things didn’t improve after he died, if anything they got worse.  That’s also when depression first really hit me.  Things didn’t improve food-wise, if anything they only got worse over the years until a couple of years ago when enough was enough.  I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes – no surprise there – if ever a disease could be self induced,  I self-induced with my poor eating and sedentary life style.  I joined a gym, got a personal trainer and for the next year and half worked like a daughter of a gun.  I was in better shape than I had been in years, though I was still heavier than I wanted to be.  I managed to lose 50 lbs.  Then the time with my trainer came to an end and the depression made a reappearance, worse and nastier than ever as I didn’t really comprehend what was going on for a long time.  I just knew that while on the outside I seemed the same as ever, happy, fun to be with, a good co-worker, inside it was so very, very bad.  The only time I felt NOTHING (and that’s what I wanted to feel as I didn’t have any highs really) was when I was eating.  Of course after a binge I felt worse than ever, but I needed those feel nothing times as relief.  So of course you can imagine what happened. I put back all the weight on and I didn’t even really give a damn that I did.

Then I got a doctor, got on new medication for depression that has been almost a wonder drug.  I still struggle, but not even close to what it was like before.  I still tend to isolate more than I should, but not like I used to and I’m working on coming all the way back.  But the damage is done weight wise and can’t be fixed overnight.  I’ve debated on whether to get in touch with the personal trainer I had.  I think he is amazing.  He’s older than many of them and he’s not at all a Jillian Michaels, Bob Harper, Dolvett Quince type – if her were I wouldn’t have been able to handle it.  He was exactly the kind of trainer that I needed.  But as I said, I haven’t had him as a trainer for a year and a half now

He called me out of the blue last night to see how I’m doing.  He is taking a course on isometrics and needs a trainee/guinea pig.  Because it’s a course he’s taking he can’t charge and he was wondering if I would be interested.  I jumped right on it as I so Very Desperately need to get back into shape.  I’m going to RWA this year and I don’t want to be in the shape I’m in now.  I wasn’t for a while.  We can discuss whether I want to have him as a personal trainer again for the other things I need help with – cardio, machines etc.  Our first session is on Monday.

But a large part of me is very afraid to see him.  I told friends and coworkers I had a non-sexual crush on him and I’m so worried he’s going to be disappointed – though he didn’t seem to be at all when I was talking to him and letting him know what had happened.    The two of us worked SO hard to get me to where I was and it’s like I wasted his time and mine.  I hate that I let that happen, but I couldn’t stop it.  I fell down the mountain and I didn’t get held up along the way, I fell all the way down.  Rationally I know I need to get over it – forgive myself and move forward, but part of me wants to wallow in self-pity and guilt and part of me is afraid of all the hard work there will be again – even though when I was deep into working out I loved it.

 

I googled some of the symptoms.  I didn't have all of these, but I sure did have many

 

Signs and symptoms of depression include:

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.                                                            
• Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
• Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
• Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
• Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
• Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
• Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
• Reckless behavior. You engage in escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.
• Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
• Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.

My big ones were
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness - yep, that was a BIG one
Appetite or body changes - oh boy yes to that one
Sleep changes - if I wasn't eating, I wanted to sleep
Loss of energy - oh yes indeedy
Self-loathing - without doubt this was the biggest symptom for me
Concentration problems - another one

I still struggle with them - but nothing like before.

 

Ach, but we humans are a complicated species aren’t we?  We are our own worst enemies.

Recent Read

Harper's Bride by Alexis Harrington

Genre: Western

Why this one:  I've been on such a role with this author

Steam Level: very warm, but not boiling

My Thoughts:

It’s kind of odd rereading a book years after reading it the first time.  Back in the 90’s when I originally read these books, this was my favourite book.  But now, so far anyway, this one has been replaced by Desperate Hearts, the Homeward Hearts.  That’s not to say that I’m not thoroughly enjoying this one – I am – it’s just not at the top now.

This book takes place somewhere towards the end of the Yukon Gold Rush.  Dylan Harper and Melissa Logan meet when Melissa’s good for nothing husband tries to trade her to store owner Dylan to pay off a debt owed to him by her husband.  Dylan is naturally horrified as such a suggestion, but it’s pointed out to him by his friend, a witness to the whole thing, that this useless excuse for a human being will only try the same thing again sometime, putting Melissa and her daughter Jenny, at possible greater risk than him.

So Dylan agrees to this ludicrous plan and takes on this drab and colourless young woman.  He agrees she can stay and cook and clean for him.  As he lives in a tiny apartment above his trading store, this doesn’t take up much time for her, and determined never to be helpless again, Melissa comes up with the idea of taking in washing to make some money so she can leave this sad and desolate locale.

Melissa slowly starts coming back to life as she is being treated with respect for the first time in her young life.  And Dylan does respect her.  He’s nursing deep pain himself.  He’s been rejected by his family all his life and the final cut was when his fiancé marries his brother.  He didn’t know where he was headed, he just knew he had to get away and ended up somehow in Dawson City, Yukon.  He had realized early that panning for gold was a no-win situation.  Most of the claims had been panned out already.  So instead he’d become a successful trader.

The author does an excellent job of showing the hopeless and desperateness of the effects of the gold rush.  Broken families, lonely people, squalor and loneliness are all well described.

Where it’s not so much the favourite as is was previously is a misunderstanding/big stupid error by Logan causing hurt to Melissa.  I wanted to smack him and tell him to grow up!  He was too hung up on past hurts which seemed to me anyway, leading to disrespectful treatment to Melissa who I loved to pieces.  He came across as kind of selfish and self-centered towards the end and wasn’t redeemed quite enough for me.  Melissa gave in a tad to easily.

But, despite these issues, I’m still loving Ms. Harringtons books and just ordered two more today.

Grade: 4 out of 5



'til later

Random Ramblings

Being in the zone

I’m bored at work again.  I can make some phone calls, I should make some, but I’ve already made quite a few and most of the people I’m calling aren’t home.  So instead (and the PTB better not find out) I’m letting my mind wander.

I’m curious as to how many readers are like me.  When I get reading a good book, you might as well forget about trying to get my attention.  I have the ability/curse to focus in so much I miss everything that goes on around me.  A bomb could go off beside me and if I’m ‘in the zone’, I wouldn’t even notice.  I often start reading and look up at the clock what seems like half an hour later only to discover that three hours have passed.  What led to this particular mind wander, I was reading some comments on GoodReads where readers commented about different things, mostly technical things, and a number said this kind of thing can pull them out of a book, which says to me I’m not the only one who gets so into a book.  I like that it seems I’m not alone in this

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

I have nothing to read!

I have a huge collection of ebooks now and we won’t even go there on the number of print books I have, but I still go through my books and think I have nothing to read, nothing appeals to me.  I have no idea why this is as we are talking romance books of every genre there is, from shape shifter to romantic suspense, medieval to sci-fi romance, historical to contemporary.  I have three platforms, Kindle, Kobo and Ibooks and all of them are full of books.  How and why does this happen?  I have a plethora to choose from, it’s not like I’m in a slump.  I find it happens when I’ve had a run of good books.  And since I have, this is the result.  Thank goodness there were a couple more Alexis Harrington books I could get and read.  Hopefully it will be over soon and a book will call my name.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Hoarding – Buried Alive

Yes, I am!  I’m a book and jewelry hoarder and I can’t seem to stop.  But I am making an effort in the book area.  Sort of.  I did have a ‘library’ at one time, but that was a child moving back home and into said library, breaking a leg and son moving out and not putting it back ago.  And now I read almost ebooks exclusively.  This means I have 36 BOXES of books filling one of the bedrooms.  And I mean FILLING it.  I can barely move in there.  So I’ve been bringing a few of them at a time into work.  We have a small library in the lunch room and I’ve been putting them in there.  I sent an email to the team I work on saying they can have first dibs if they want.  A couple of people have said that I can take them to goodwill or some other such place, in fact with the amount of books I have, they might even come and pick them up.  But for hoarders it’s not that easy.  I watch the show, Hoarders, Buried Alive and while part of me thinks they are nuts, here they have people who will come and declutter their house for free and offer metal health at the same time so why are they so resistant.   But then I think if the same thing happened with my books, I would be the same way.  Even as I’m pulling books out to bring into work, I hesitate over each one, while in the deeper hole of insanity, that I might want to read that book again.  The more sane part of me says no, no you won’t and the saner part wins.  But each book is a struggle.  If I were to just give away a random box of books, I would freak.  I would wonder for the rest of my life – what if THE book was one of the books in there.  I don’t really know what I mean by that, but doesn’t matter.  Such is the insanity.

I mentioned I hoard jewelry too but it’s not nearly what my book addiction is.  I know this because I have no trouble getting rid of it, well, most of it anyway.  I just like the bling of it.  But books on the other hand, I have a strong emotional attachment too.  But I am getting rid of them, one book at a time.
 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Working – 9 to 5

The nature of my job has changed drastically over the years.  As technology has taken over more and more of the things I used to do, it has been replaced with us having to make more and more phone calls.  None of us really like doing them, but in my case I’m finding it particularly stressful for some reason even though for the most part they are very positive.  Since we aren’t selling anything, but checking in to see how people are doing, a great many of them appreciate it.  But a lingering effect of the depression I realize now I’ll have for the rest of my life, is reaching out to others.  I have no problems whatsoever when people call in, but me calling them is very, very stressful for me.  Each call I make is like a stab.  Depression is an isolating condition.  Though to others it seems like I’m doing very well, on the inside, not so much.  With the new medication, I’m doing so much better, but in this area things haven’t improved at all, if anything it’s getting worse.  I very rarely call my family and it’s not because I don’t love them, I do so very much, but at times it’s almost like a physical barrier keeping from making that call.  I know none of them except my oldest son understands what it’s like – it’s the same for him.  I know my family is angry with me and then that, of course, keeps me from calling even more.  I can’t handle the censure or anger.  I hate that part of me.  It’s like the mail thing.  People just don’t understand why it’s so hard for me – they don’t get it.  I don’t get it myself, it just is.  Same with making phone calls – I don’t really explain why I find it so painful, I just do.  I’m not sure how to handle it.  I’ve said in more than one team meeting I find them very difficult, but then everyone just nods and agrees.  I don’t want to point out that, ‘yeah, I bet their harder for me than the rest of you guys’.  That wouldn’t go over well – it wouldn’t if someone else did that.  I guess just grit my teeth and try to push through.  I think that’s one of the reasons I’m more tired at the end of the day.  Stress is tiring don’t you know.  It’s ironic – there are some positions here I wouldn’t have taken as it meant having to spend a great deal of the day on the phone.  Now I’m in that position myself.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

I’ve Found Something to Read

I mentioned up further that I can’t find anything to read.  That still holds true – mostly.  What is keeping me going – since it’s not a slump I’m in, just extreme pickiness, - is old comfort reads.  I’m a rereader, always have been, always will be.  But in this new world of ebooks and releases of older books, I’m finding myself reveling in them; Alexis Harrington right at the moment.  I’m not sure what to call this.  It’s kind of in between a read and a reread.  I did read them, but in some cases over 20 years ago.  I don’t remember a lot of the story so it’s kind of like reading a new book, but not really – if that makes any sense.  And this makes for a win/win for me!  I don’t remember the story so it’s kind of new, but I do remember the ‘feeling’ it brought.  Once I get past Ms.Harrington, I have some very old Patricia Potter Westerns, some Jill Marie Landis Westerns.

So a happy “hip, hip hooray” for ebook releases for loved books from the 90’s and earlier.

'til later

Recent Read

Desperate Hearts by Alexis Harrington

Genre: Western

Why this one:  I can't seem to get enough of her at the moment

Steam Level: Very warm bordering on hot

My thoughts:  I really had forgotten how much I enjoy Alexis Harrington’s books.  I think I last read them back in the 90’s so reading them again is like visiting beloved friends I haven’t seen in years but have very fond memories of.  Because it was so long ago that I read them and I’ve read so many since then, the only thing I really remember is the feeling of comfort they give, not so much the story itself. 

Desperate Hearts is the story of Jace Rankin.  He was the bounty hunter from Homeward Hearts who relentlessly pursued the hero from that book.  Now Jace has a new target to seek revenge on.  He finds and achieves it at the beginning of this story and is at a bit of loose ends a bit as the mission that has consumed him for a number of years is accomplished.  He contemplates heading for warmer climates when he rescues a young lad from being bullied.  Jace had been harassed all his life himself because of his small stature until he made a name for himself a real badass bounty hunter.  It seems the boy, Kyle Springer, had been searching for Jace for his badassness in helping Kyle get revenge and get his home back, the home that had been stolen from him.

Jace reluctantly agrees, though he senses something is off about Kyle.  Of course in true romance style, Kyle is really Kyla.  Jace is angry at first at being duped, but then reluctantly agrees to help Kyla reclaim her life.

It’s a simple outline but for me it was so richly done.  I loved Jace.  I love the fact that he was shorter than your average bear.  Once he got past his anger, he was so protective of Kyla.  As she slowly begins to trust Jace, her story of abuse comes out and he is so patient with her.  He’s truly the strong and silent type that makes for such a great Western hero.  He has his own rotten childhood and its warped the way he sees himself, not worthy of love.

As well, I thought Kyla makes for an excellent Western heroine.  She’d been brutalized and rather than give up and give in, she fights back.  She knows she can’t do it herself so she looks for the person who is most capable.  She is a bit slow to trust Jace, but with very good reason.  As with Jace, her life has been very short on love.

I liked that the author included a scene with Chloe and Travis from Homeward Hearts.  It looked like we may not get one for a while, but the author didn’t disappoint.

As much as I enjoyed the first book in this series, I think I liked this one a little bit more.  When I finished it, I was going to move on to a different author and a different genre.  But I’m just not done with Alexis Harrington books yet and since I have a few more, I’m revisiting a very dear comfort place.

One thing I feel I should point out though it bothered me not at all.  The formatting isn’t that great in transferring this to an electronic book.  Because of this there are some misspelled words, missing words etc.  As this didn’t affect the strength of the story at all and I was ‘in the zone’ while reading I didn’t notice that much.  But I know that for some readers this can be quite distracting and take them out of ‘the zone’.

 

Grade: 5 out of 5

 

 

 

'til later

This is a Rant

And I'm fired up!

 I don’t mean to pick on Lorraine Heath, but she exemplifies so much of what is wrong in my reading world.  I LOVED her westerns.  I mean LOVED, LOVED, LOVED.  She was the best of the best as far as I was concerned.  She stood out in a genre that at heart is my very favourite.  Then she started writing historicals that took place in England and right away the uniqueness of this author was gone for me.  In a world of Dukes and Earls and Viscounts (oh my – and blah, blah, blah) she was just one of way too many as it was.  I didn’t care how good they may have been, they were no longer Westerns and it hurt too much to read them.  In a genre I loved that was slowly in decline and losing its shining authors, her, what I felt was desertion, was the hardest.

She also wrote a couple of contemporary books I loved to pieces, Hard Lovin’ Man and Smooth Talking Stranger.  I could console myself with the fact my heart was breaking over no more Westerns from Ms. Heath, with the fact I enjoyed the hell out of her contemporaries.  But alas, my heart was further smashed when those were all she wrote.  And with tears in my eyes and sorrow in my heart, I said so long to this author.

Fast forward a number of years now.  I’m slowly collecting all my old beloved books as ebooks.  I finally broke down and paid the ebook price for Dreaming of You by Lisa Kleypas.  But Judith James, Pamela Clare, Loretta Chase, Justine Dare, Susan Grant, Patricia Potter, now Alexis Harrington, all of these favourite authors and many more besides I’m collecting as ebooks, all nice and handy for when I feel the NEED to read them.  And Lorraine Heath, with her westerns is one I wanted to add too.  I went searching for them on the weekend and this is what I found:

Look at the price for this book.

Formats	Amazon Price		New from	Used from
Kindle Edition	--		CDN $9.99	--
Paperback	--		CDN $71.24	CDN $2.94

 I think, of oh some many great westerns she wrote, this is my favourite.  It’s sad and loving and wonderful and all that is good with the genre.  It’s one of the few books that make me cry every time I read it.  I paid $6 for the print version when it was first released.  And if they price isn’t bad enough, look at what they’ve done to the covers FGS!!!  The original covers conveyed what the story was in a way, sweet, gentle, tender.  Now with the new covers, it makes the books like cheap and tawdry with half-dressed sleazy looking people.

Formats	Amazon Price		New from	Used from
Kindle Edition	--		CDN $9.99	--
Paperback	--		CDN $65.20	CDN $0.01

And look at this one. It’s the favourite of many and if Sweet Lullaby didn’t already hold the number one spot in my heart, this book probably would.  It’s another book that makes the reader if not actually cry, at least come very close.  I paid $7 for it.

Formats	Amazon Price		New from	Used from
Kindle Edition	--		CDN $9.99	--
Paperback	--		CDN $65.20	CDN $0.01

This is another one I dearly wanted as an ebook. 

I know I’m sounding like a broken record, but that’s how she wrote.  This one also made me cry – more than once as I reread her books.  And for it I paid $6.50.  I kept track of these kinds of things on my spread sheet.

But - you guessed it...

Formats	Amazon Price		New from	Used from
Kindle Edition	--		CDN $9.99	--
Paperback	--		CDN $65.20	CDN $0.01

There is her trilogy, Texas Destiny ($7) Texas Glory ($8) and Texas Spendor ($9)  Look at the price they are charging for ebooks.

Kindle Edition	--		CDN $9.99	--
Hardcover	--		CDN $34.01	CDN $0.01
Mass Market Paperback	--		CDN $136.86	CDN $0.01

 (rather than add more pics that make me sad - the other 2 books are the same.

Livid doesn’t really come close to what I feel when I see the prices the beyond greedy publishers are charging for the ebooks.  I’m almost seeing red – what the hell, I AM seeing red.  I want them so bad, but I WILL NOT pay MORE for the ebooks that I did print.  I’ve already read all of them a few times and I want to read them again. 

As opposed to the price the nerve Avon has to charge for their books, look at the kind of prices I’m paying for Alexis Harrington

Homeward Hearts - $3.99

Desperate Hearts - $4.04

Harper's Bride - $3.99

My all time favourite Western is coming out soon and look at the price – very reasonable. 

Expand Collapse	Kindle Edition	CDN $7.83		--	--
Expand Collapse	Mass Market Paperback	CDN $10.99		CDN $10.99

Now this is how you do it!

I’ve picked up a few of Patricia Potters older books and don’t object to the price.

Lawless - $2.99 Kindle - $6.00 Mass Market (and my favourite of her books)

Diablo - $6.15 Kindle - $7.50 Mass Market

Defiant - $6.39 Kindle - $7.00 Mass Market

See what I'm getting at?  With these other publishers, the price is LESS for an ebook than for a Mass Market

So this makes what HarperCollins is doing even more despicable and outrageous.  I’m sure this is happening with other authors, but Lorraine Heath is a former treasure.  I feel like I’ve been double screwed by her and her publisher, first by leaving the Western genre and then by the most contemptible price gouging. Throw in some truly dreadful and insulting covers and it’s almost a trifecta of ‘let’s guarantee to infuriate and insult our readers.

What it boils down to is no Lorraine Heath books for me on my Kindle.  And that's just not right.

And now I’m even grumpier – hmpfff – shouldn’t have done this rant.

'til later

(maybe - once I get over my mad-on)

Recent Read

Homeward Hearts by Alexis Harrington

Why this one: It's a reread of an oldie but goodie

Steam Level: very nice indeed

My Thoughts:

I’ve noticed that more and more older books are being rereleased as ebooks and I am loving this.  I’m rediscovering authors I’ve lost track of.  My latest ebook glom is Alexis Harrington.  This works out well as I’m also in a Western Frame of Mind at the moment.

 

The first one up is Homeward Hearts.  Ms. Harrington tends to write poignant tales about people battered by life and this one is a good example.  Chloe Maitland is a bossy young woman who has to fend for herself in a dying town named Misfortune after her blacksmith alcoholic father drinks himself to death.  He was the only family she had and with the mortgage coming due soon, she is in a difficult situation.  She places and add for a blacksmith but can only provide room and board, no real wages until after the amount needed for the mortgage is earned. She is being courted by the local teacher, a bland useless kind of man.  She’s not really keen on him, but she’s lonely.  Because of her bossy ways, though with a tender heart, she has no real friends.

 

Travis McGuire answers her add, but before he can start, he needs to be tended to as he walked a long ways to Misfortune in the boiling sun and is now suffering from a bad case of heat stroke.

Chloe and Travis clash from almost the beginning.  A lot of times I don’t really like bickering protagonists, but in Homeward Hearts, it was their way of bonding and getting to know each other.  Travis had his own issues.  He’d spent a number of years in jail for murdering his adulterous wife but he was innocent.  Because of this and the fact that he is being hunted by a bounty hunter bound to take him back to jail.  He has no family left either and I loved this story of two lonely people finding each other .

It’s been a number of years since I’d read any books by Alexis Harrington though not long ago I purchased one as an ebook.  I checked to see which one while I was reading this one and did a quick little happy dance when I realized it was a sequel to this book; the bounty hunter’s story.  I started reading it last night right after I finished this book and I’ve also purchased 3 more by this author I first read years ago. 

I really hope a whole new generation of readers who enjoy Westerns discover this author and maybe some older authors rediscover her.  She really is good

 

Grade: 4.5 out of 5

 

'til later