It’s also the ironies

Remember my last post, the one I did less than 24 hours ago, somewhere around 3:30 am?  Yep that one.  Why is it for every step forward, you seem to take one back?

I was looking forward to work today.  I was wearing new shoes and a new jumper I was waiting for the right shoes to wear.  I was rockin’ the look, good hair day and was feelin’ fine.  I was walking into the back door, stepping up a small slip when it seems I didn’t lift my right leg high enough, tripped, couldn’t recover and landed face first on the cement.

Of course the first words out of my mouth was FUCK! Fuck, fuck, fuck.  Then the pain started and the blood started to rush out and I started to cry.  Since it was the start of the second shift there were a number of people around, nurses included.  It was déjà voux all over again and for the second time in a couple of months an ambulance was called for me at work.  That is so freaking embarrassing, it really, really is.  The ambulance came and checked me out and recommended they take me to the hospital but this time I declined.  Rather than getting priority head of the line treatment I got when I had the heart attack, I’d have to wait my turn just like everyone else and the EMT’s would have to wait with me.

By this time I was feeling much better other than that rattled feeling one has after a nasty fall.  They were really only concerned because I’d hit my head and I’m on blood thinners.  The compromise that work really wanted was a visit to urgent care which I agreed t, no ambulance this time.  My manager took me and stayed with me the three hours it took for a doctor to check me out.  He let me leave after getting a tetanus shot.  For some reason that amuses me.

So I’m home and good except for a sore face, a slightly swollen nose and a booboo on my nose and a fair sized lump on my forehead. And I called my sister to see if she can call me a couple of times tonight and in the morning.

But dang it all I hesitated again going up the stairs to the house again.  Not too bad but still.  I’m not liking these backward steps.  And I’m thinking I might wake up with black eyes tomorrow.

See, irony.

‘Til later.

It begins with baby steps

My health had deteriorated the past number of years.  It began I think about 8 or so years ago when I fell on my basement stairs and broke my left leg, the tibia and fibula both.  I still have the X-ray around somewhere around and it is pretty cool.  I recovered though Left Leg as I call her was weakened.  Then about 5or 6 years ago, time being more of a relative thing, I slipped and did major damage to tendons and ligaments on Right Leg.  Recovering from the broken leg was nothing compared to trying to recover from the damage to Right.

 I used a walker (White Walker) and a cane, (Kandi and yep, I named them just like I have to Legs). Off and on for a number of years.  In fact they even went on vacation with me, to RWA conferences and my yearly cottage trips.  In fact they are both still in my car,mostly because I’m too lazy to bring them in but also as ‘just in case’.  I had a lot of falls mostly because Right and Left refused to work together, each thinking the other leg should take the lead, what with their injuries and all.

I’m just clueing lately that that’s been a contributing factor in the depression I’ve had.  As a result I didn’t walk nearly enough.  Both legs hurt, Right in particular would ache at night.

But then came the heart attack and as a result I’ve taken up walking.  I stager quite a bit still and anyone walking behind me I’m sure thinks that woman ahead of me’s been hitting the bottle.

But today!! Ahh, celebrating baby steps, for the first time in 5 or 6 years(!) I walked around the mall I live near.  And not only that but I climbed a few stairs alternately instead of stepping up one step on
Left, then bringing Right up to meet before moving on. Right is stubborn and refuses to go first.  It didn’t click in until I was driving home what I just done for the first time in ever so long.

See, baby steps.  They can be amazing.

‘TIL later.

Ponderings

Our computers are down at work and as most know, when the computer is down, you can’t work.  It’s most frustrating.  It’s been down two and a half hours now.

In an effort to keep looking busy I did a bad, bad thing.  I went on Twitter.  There was a bit of a brouhaha when some self-righteous woman tweeted that romance is ‘porn for women’.  Them there is fighting words for me.  The single most core function of romance is love.  In most porn, love isn’t even a factor.  But in romance the main characters love the other person more than themselves.  Porn is much more self-satisfaction.  Sex – in romance – is for the most part, a physical expression of that love.  And for those self-righteous who think sex between those who love each other, check out some of the verses in Song of Solomon.  In my opinion, God approves of physical love.

I also see some books on Amazon labeled “clean”.  This also raises my temperature as it sure does imply that sex is somehow dirty.  It’s NOT.  It’s a gift.

There are a number of things that get me steamed and self-righteousness is one of the biggies.

.......

And now of course our system is back up and running which means I have to start working again.  *heavy sigh*

'til later

OK, I’m Here again.

I’ve been going through a whole lot the past while.  I’ve been wanting to keep blogging but one of the “things” was my wifi didn’t work for a long time.  I had someone over to do a bunch of handyman type stuff and getting my wifi up and running was the greatest of all the things he fixed.  I didn’t realize how much emptier my life had become until I got it back.  I was cut off from the romance community and the “community, from readers to authors have been such a rich and vital part of my life for years.  I was starving but didn’t know it.

But now it’s almost like I’m experiencing a rebirth of sorts. I’ve long known I have deep seated issues but again I didn’t know how deeply broken I’ve been until I’ve started healing.  I’ve been going for counseling regularly and shit is coming out that I didn’t even know was there.  But I found myself laughing at work a week or so again and it was a meaningful laugh like I haven’t had for a few years now and it felt WONDERFUL.  That’s when it truly dawned on me I’ve been almost just existing for a long while; going through the motions but skimming through a lot of things.

Oddly enough it was a heart attack I had a couple of months ago that was the awakening I needed.  Before that I wasn’t actively suicidle (crap, can’t figure out how to spell that) but a part of me didn’t care if I died.  I know, it was a horrible existence.  I didn’t WANT to, but didn’t care if I did.

But now, having lived in that black tunnel for a while, I discovered I wasn’t ready to “go” yet.  I’m walking and eating ever so much better and realizing I can do something.  I’ve started buying much better quality clothes and using a very good moisturizer- sounds silly and shallow but it’s a sign that things are starting to matter again.

I don’t have a relationship with either of my sons and haven’t for a couple of years now and it’s one of the things that has kept me broken but now that I’m healing I’ll soon be well enough I think, to handle the pain that’s going to come and handle the rejection there’s a good chance I’ll face.

But this is a thank you to the romance community.  Although I didn’t reach out for help, I was too broken, I know it’s always been there just waiting for me to reach out.

Obviously it isn’t perfect, there are as many opinions as there are members, and some very strong women, which we need.  But still we have something very precious and when things look grim, we do have something stronger which can hold us together if we allow it.  Love.