Monday, April 02, 2018


Finally.  Do you know how hard it is to get back into one’s blog when it’s been a while and you can’t remember the password and keep using the incorrect email address?

Answer:  Very Hard!  I’ve been trying to get back in for a while but kept running into road block after road block after road block.  I’ve had some excellent ideas for posts but couldn’t get in to post them.  And now of course, I can get in and the mind has been drawing a blank.

What I can post about is what’s been going on in my personal life.  Any one following me on a regular basis knows that I suffer from depression.  I’m in the depths of one and then slowly the sun starts to come through and I think I’m all better now.

But depression doesn’t work that way and without me really realizing it I was starting to go under again.  It was different this time so it took me longer to clue in.  I wasn’t as filled with self loathing this time like I have been in past depressions.  I didn’t like myself but the little voice that kept telling me what a useless person I was, nobody really cared, nobody really liked me and they spoke about me behind my back was absent.  Nope, that monster depression attacked me in a different way this time.  I had no energy for anything and I didn’t care about my surroundings.  On my days off, I’d rarely get dressed, instead I watched CNN all day.  I tell you it’s a scary thing when one recognizes the voice of Ted Cruz on the television when one is another room.  THAT’S when you KNOW that you’re in trouble.  But even that didn’t get me moving.

The worst part though was I was letting the house go.  I’ve been doing that for a long time now but the snowball was huge and near the bottom of the hill.  I could barely move around in the house and I’m still in danger of falls.  I had no clean counter space so I wasn’t cooking, the bathroom was so bad it was almost creepy showering and I only had one space to sit in the living room.  I never opened the blinds to let light in and I stopped taking my medication for depression because the depression was telling me why bother??  Nothing matters.  And yet still on the outside no one would guess what was going on inside.  Of course I avoided having anyone come to the house as I was so ashamed of the state it was in but I couldn’t gather the energy to do anything about it.

But I hit the very, very bottom when my toilet clogged up and I’m not going to give TMI but it was disgusting.  After work I want to a 24 hour mental health clinic and spoke to a sponsor for hours.  We came up with a plan.  Number 1 was to get the house back in order.  I contacted a company that helps people with hoarding issues.  Yes, I had  crossed over into genuine hoarding and while not as bad as what one sees on Extreme Hoarding, still it was pretty bad.

The shame I felt when someone came for an assessment was horrendous.  It’s an even harder thing to admit to than depression.  Because of course the voice kept telling me what a lazy disgusting place my house was.  But the person they sent, a young woman, has truly been wonderful.  She contacted a plumber as the first item and since then she’s been coming over twice a week to help me purge.  We are finished the bathroom and the kitchen and I’ve been slowly working on the living room and next visit we are going to tackle it together.

I could go on and on about some of the stuff that we’ve been tossing, such as cereal dating back to 2012, but it would take way too long and be way too boring.

My house is starting to come back, I’m back on my meds again, the depression is lifting and I’m opening the blinds to let in the light again, both literally and figuratively.  And it feels good

And blogging – I’m back to blogging again and I think that’s best of all.  It’s my voice.
'til later


Lori said...

I'm so happy to see you! Depression is an awful awful disease, and I'm so sorry you've had such a bad time of it lately. But also really really happy that you're turning it around and getting help.

Also, if it helps, we are redoing our kitchen and in the back of the pantry, I found a can of baby formula. Not even kidding. Youngest is 21.

Sending hugs and support across the miles.

S. said...

Kristie, it might seem difficult to think about it like this, but when one considers what you've been trough, I think you have every reason to feel worthy because you just proved you are brave and courageous!
To feel like that and still have the ability to think about what you would need to do in order to change/get better...

CONGRATULATIONS, dear and courage to keep going!!!

azteclady said...

All the hugs, Kristie, ALL OF THE HUGS!!!

I admire you so much for your courage in talking about your struggles with, and your success in, coping with depression--I don't have that courage myself.

I can say, though, that I identify so much with how that insidious, odious voice whispers to one's subconscious, how it berates one, how it lies.

I'm so glad you found your way into the blog; I've missed you immensely. ::hug::

Kristie (J) said...

Rats! I did have this long reply but it got lost somehow so I have to recreate it. Only shorter this time.

Lori; I have to say that you have me beat with baby formula (grin). I'm thinking this did NOT go into the donate pile.

S: I didn't say it in the main post, but I think the pre death blow - the plugged toilet being the actual death blow was my oldest son was diagnosed with colon cancer the end of November. He was supposed to have surgery right away but they kept postponing it and postponing it. He finally had the surgery Jan 12, but it was horrible waiting for it. All I could think of was his dad who didn't survive cancer.
But the surgery went very well and though he's started just in case chemo, so far he's not finding it nearly as bas as he thought it would be. And since he shaves his head anyway, loss of hair isn't an issue for him :-)

AL: hugs back at you. I'm becoming more and more comfortable coming out about my issues. But the hoarding confession was/is a tough one to admit. But in my work environment we see more hoarding than one would imagine. And if I open up about mine, then I hope it helps other since it's even more debilitating then just depression - though of course one can't really say just depression as if it's not the soul sucking issue that it is.
I just want others to know that 'you are not alone in your struggles', that there are other around who know exactly what you are going through. The main goal of depression is to isolate us so it can work it's evil.
Alexis, the young woman who is helping me is really encouraging me to keep blogging on a regular basis - even more so since I live alone. While I also love Twitter, I just can't 'ramble' as much as I tend to do - heh, heh, heh

Wendy said...

OMG - I LOL'ed at Lori's baby formula. We relocated to a new Bat Cave in November and packing up the kitchen is THE LITERAL WORST! Between some of the condiments in my fridge and the neglected baking staples in the pantry - it was pretty sad.

I tell you it’s a scary thing when one recognizes the voice of Ted Cruz on the television when one is another room.

OMG KRISTIE!!!! TURN OFF CNN!!!! No sane person needs to hear Ted Cruz. I, literally, cannot watch it. It makes me so angry. I've been resorting to reading most of my news but even that tends to spike the blood pressure something awful.

I'm so glad you're back on your blog. Alexis is right. You should keep up with your blogging. We have missed you something fierce!