Saturday, November 28, 2015


This is my world right now - only it's darker

I wish I could report in and say I’m in a better place now, but I can’t.  Things haven’t gotten better for me, they’ve gotten worse.  As of Monday I’m going to be off work on a stress leave.  I never thought it would get this bad; that I would do this, but it has.

Four weeks ago I slipped and fell in the bathroom and tore some ligaments in my right leg.  If anyone else has done this, you will know it’s very painful.  It’s turned out to be much more painful even then the broken leg.  In health care they measure a person’s pain level on a scale from one to ten.  Mine has been between three and often up to eight continually.  The only time I’ve really been pain-free is when I’m asleep.  If I spend any length of time on my feet, it goes up to eight.  I’m going for physio 3 times a week and it’s helping a bit – but it’s going to take a long time to heal.

I’ve opened up in the past about not opening mail.  I’ve opened up about suffering from depression and now I’m going to confess something else that affects my life.  I’m a hoarder, only a recently acknowledged hoarder.  I’ve always found it difficult to get rid of things but in the past little while it’s escalated into something that’s becoming dangerous.  The reason I slipped and fell was clothes on my bathroom floor.  I have 2 bedrooms I can’t even really get into as they are so filled with ‘stuff’.  The bedroom I sleep in is getting worse daily.  I don’t have anyone over to my house any longer as I’m too ashamed as to how it looks.

The horrible part is I can’t seem to stop and make things better.  I had taken a few days’ vacation time a couple of weeks ago to try and make a dent but I’d fallen just before that and I couldn’t do it at all.  And since I have been in pain and not able to move about because of the leg it’s only escalated the mess and the hoarding situation.  I watch Hoarding, Buried Alive sometimes and I really feel for and sympathize with the hoarders.  I GET their anguish as I feel it myself.  I don’t know if I can let go of my ‘stuff’, I like to think I can but I don’t know.

I don’t have people over to the house any more as I’m so ashamed of what I’ve let happen.

So in this stress leave I’m taking the time to ‘fix’me.  I want to get on meds that work for depression.  There is an organization here in the city that helps with hoarders that I’ve been trying to get hold of and most important of all is I want to find a therapist who deals with people who suffer from depression.

I just want to stress again that this is an illness.  For those who have never suffered from it but may have friends or family that do, it’s not as simple as telling them to ‘pull up there bootstraps’ and ‘get over it’.  It’s a crippling condition in that self-loathing and hating who we are takes over our whole lives.  We tell ourselves and we believe that we are terrible mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, wives, husbands, sisters and brothers.  We tell ourselves that no one can possibly really love us as they don’t know us inside.  Depression is an enemy we can’t see, a foe that is difficult to battle as the enemy, the foe is our very selves.

So if I can offer advice to family and friends to loved ones with depression, don’t give up on them.  You will probably get very frustrated with them, but as frustrated as you are with them, know they are even more so.  I know you may get impatient at times, but try not to let them know as that makes things work.  Chances are whatever they may tell you about their depression, it may only be the tip of the iceberg.

Just be kind, be there, love them and know they are in pain and that it isn’t their choice to be this way.

I will get there and hopefully they will too.


SandyH said...

Kristie, I am so sorry to hear this but I think you are very strong to be taking the steps that you are doing. Have you read any of Jenny Larson's books? You might check out her blog as well. She constantly deals with depression and writes openly about it. Thinking about and sending positive thoughts.

Lori said...

I'm so sorry to hear what a tough time you've been having. But at the same time, I think you're awesome and strong and wonderful for seeking help and looking for solutions. Giving you that hug from across the cyberverse.

azteclady said...


We are here. We'll listen, however much or little you want to share. We send you our good thoughts, our hopes and wishes that the pain will subside, that you'll find a good, experience therapist who will help you find your way up from that dark, hopeless place.

And remember, depression lies--always, constantly, insidiously, it lies.

You are a good mother, a good, generous, kind, loving person.

Statch said...

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through but I respect you so much for sharing. I don't follow many bloggers any more but I keep coming back to yours because your voice is so appealing. Your spirit just shines through your posts. I hope to read soon that you've found a great therapist and the right medication. I also hope to read that your leg has healed. Constant pain is a game-changer.

Wendy said...

Oh Kristie honey. Yes, you need to take this time. I know you probably don't want to resort to going on leave - but in the long run it's something that you really need to do for you. I know how easy it is to feel overwhelmed but know that it will get better, it's just going to take time. Once you get your meds squared away, and find yourself a good regular therapist, I think you'll see benefits right away and the other stuff will begin to slip into place.

Know that your Romancelandia friends love you and worry about you and think about you often. I know it can seem like you're all alone, but truly - you're not.

farmwifetwo said...

I'm close enough and real handy with the infamous black garbage bags. The only "hoard" in this house is Dh's office... his Mother's house... gives me claustrophobia. Not joking unfortunately. I'm also not "nice" when it's needed. Not mean, just... firm. I grew up with a woman that doesn't like clutter and I am the same. I will also take the bags with me.

There's some good "getting rid of clutter" books out there.

Hope you are feeling better and they find something that helps. We got lucky with the 16yr old's Strattera and what little remains will get pulled in the summer. I dislike SSRI's, but I do appreciate, when they work, they work well. There are many out there, so you need to find the one for you.

Best wishes and if you don't post again, Merry Christmas.

Statch said...

Kristie, just wanted to say I'm still thinking about you and hoping things are going better.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you. I love your blog and your down to earth look on life. I'm so sorry that you are going through this turmoil. I hope you can find some solutions. Sincerely, Nancy

sybil said...

Oh hon, I am so sorry. I am glad you are taking the time. How are you feeling? Any luck on getting a therapist you like?

For me the rough thing is not shutting down completely and hiding from life. Hope your day is going well and your pain is low.

Brandy said...

I am sorry you're going through all this. Please know that though I don't 'know' you. I do care. Hugs and prayers for you.

azteclady said...

Thinking of you, hoping things are getting better, even if just a little bit.

Anonymous said...

KristieJ, I hope that you are feeling better and making good progress on getting help with your depression and the hoarding issues. I have been following you for a long time and I know that you are a wonderful person and you deserve to be happy and to feel safe and comfortable in your home and in your mind and body. You are so brave and strong and you will get youR HEA TOO!! Jocelyn

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Nicole McLaughlin said...

Oh Kristie, this is a very brave post. I have faith in you. One step at a time, but I believe saying it out loud and owning it is a HUGE first step. I hope by now you are in a better place than when you wrote this. Keep talking about it. Seek support from those around you. All of my thoughts are with you! *Hugs*

azteclady said...

I am glad you are doing better (from what I see on your twitter feed). I hope every days is a little bit better, with less pain, and more genuine joy.